Collection of classic funny quotes of the year
1. When you are young, you think there is an answer to everything, but when you are old, you may feel that there is no so-called answer in life.
2. Every day you have the opportunity to pass by many people, and some people may become your friends or confidants, so I never give up any opportunity to rub against others.
3. Sometimes it makes you suffer a lot, so what the heck! Just be happy
4. What is power? When a person commits a crime, the judge sentences him to death according to law. This is not called power, this is called justice. And when a person committed the same crime, the emperor could sentence him to death or not, so he pardoned him. This is called power
5. Brother, let me throw a brick first. Smash it over.
6. I can’t eat without hearing your voice for one day, I’m not in the mood to go to work for two days, I can’t sleep for three days, I can’t get out of bed for four days, I’m in the hospital for five days, and I’m ready to line up to be reincarnated for six days
7. In a crowded car, a pregnant woman said to a man sitting next to her: Don’t you know I’m pregnant? The man said nervously: The child is not mine!
8. You see a lump of poop on the ground, go up and smell it, it seems to be poop, pick up a little bit with your hand and put it in your mouth, taste it, it still seems to be poop, you say happily: Fortunately, you didn’t step on it.
9. I originally wanted to give you a piece of gold, but later I discovered that there was something more valuable than it. Do you want to know what it is? "Thank you"! Keep it simple! If you want to thank me, give me gold!
10. Dear China Unicom users, due to network adjustments, your mobile phone may malfunction. If you find out in time, please slam your mobile phone on the ground twice. Thank you for your understanding and support!
11. There were many people in the car. He was inside, so it wasn’t crowded. But suddenly I found a beautiful girl coming to the door! So I tried my best to squeeze towards the door of the car. Finally he squeezed to her side, and before he could take a closer look, she finally couldn't bear it anymore, vomited all over him, then said sorry and got off the car
12. She felt that the relationship was very good, she I asked: "Why did you remember to write me a note in the first place?" "I wrote it to every girl in the class, and you were the only one who responded.
13. Mr. "My wife secretly cooked noodles for her husband. I put the Viagra on and gave it to my husband. My husband said angrily: Why are the hairs standing up here?
14. The head can be cut off, but the hairstyle cannot be messed up. Blood can flow, and leather shoes must be oiled.
15. My dear, you always say that I love to brag, so please listen to me: "For you, I would go up to the nine heavens to catch the moon, and I would go down to the five oceans to catch turtles!" Because: that "moon" "It's you, then Turtle is also you."
16. Memories are sad, expectations are confusing, and the passion of the moment is mixed with ecstasy and despair
17. If everyone underestimated his own joys and sorrows, there would be no life in the world Romeo and Oedipus
18. It is said that the earliest love poem is written like this: You are from Yuanmou, Yunnan, and I am from Zhoukou, Beijing. I hold your furry little hand and take a bite gently. , ah! It’s love that makes us walk upright
19. You, the lovely one, stole my love and my heart. I decided to take you to court. What crime should you be sentenced to? The judge looked through everything criminal records and cases, and finally the jury unanimously passed: sentence you to me for life.
20. If you blink your eyes, I will die. If you blink again, I will come to life. If you blink your eyes, I will die.
21. Regret is an emotion that consumes energy. Regret is a greater loss than a loss and a greater mistake than a mistake, so don’t regret it.
22. Before getting married, there are very few women who think it suits them, but after getting married, there are many women who think it suits them.
23. Nonsense is the first sentence in interpersonal relationships.
24. When fantasy and reality face each other, it is always painful. Either you are knocked down by the pain, or you trample the pain under your feet.
25. Destiny is like rape. If you can’t resist it, you can only enjoy it. Work is like gang-raping you and someone else will do it when you can't do it anymore. Life is like masturbation, you have to rely on your own hands for everything. The future is like sex, there are always lows and highs. Studying is like crowing a chicken, requiring both money and effort.
Why wouldn't this make me paralyzed?
26. If you are right, your world is also right.
27. Optimistic people see opportunities behind problems, while pessimistic people only see problems behind opportunities. Opportunities will never knock on your door, no matter how many years you wait. It will just blow past you like a gust of wind, requiring your reflexes and speed to follow. Move towards a goal, use your potential as much as possible, and you will find opportunities if you are talented. Although the wind has no color, it is green after blowing.
28. In a person’s life, one may not have great fame or a lot of wealth, but one must not lack the joy of work.
29. Wisdom is: making correct judgments, accepting new knowledge, being cheerful in dealing with the world, absorbing experience, and making good use of knowledge
30. The meaning of wealth: not only means having a lot of money, but also good interpersonal relationships, a comfortable lifestyle, and personally meaningful achievements
31. Remember what needs to be remembered and forget what needs to be forgotten. Change what can be changed and accept what cannot be accepted.
32. Death teaches people everything, just like the results announced after an exam - although you suddenly realize it, it is too late!
33. Except for tears, what can wash away everything is time. Time passes the feelings. The longer the time, the weaker the conflict, as if there is no tea.
34. Love is very simple, because everyone will say: "I love you and will give everything for you!" Love is difficult, because not many people have fulfilled their promises. Because I don't believe in promises, I won't say what I will do for the one I love. I can only make her willing to enter the wedding hall with me through my own actions. Our marriage is not a tomb of love
35. When the weather is sunny, you will feel that everything is full of love; on a rainy day, you will feel melancholy filling the entire time and space.
36. If there is a shadow accompanying your labor, it means that you are under bright sunshine.
37. If you can’t forget him, don’t forget him. True forgetting requires no effort.
38. The person who brings you happiness is the person who can also bring you pain.
39. Except for tears, what can wash away everything is time. Time passes the feelings. The longer the time, the weaker the conflict, as if there is no tea.
As long as it is a good song, you will never get tired of it; as long as it is the person you truly love, you will never get enough.
40. We live a rich life not because we have too much enjoyment but because we have too much.
41. The mirror reflects the truth, but the truth is the opposite
42. It is your luck to have someone helping you. It is a fair fate for me to help you. No one should do it for you. Whatever you do with your life is yours
43. Don’t do things that would disgrace your friends, let alone do things that go against morality. Morality should be greater than friendship, and friends should be more important than yourself
44. Life is Pursuing something, no one can guarantee that it will be smooth and happy. Maybe some hardships will be motivation
45. Some people have grievances and grievances, and there are jiangs and lakes. People are just jiangs and lakes. How do you quit?
46. People who are quick to talk are not the best in everything. They just make use of what they already have
47. In the journey of life, we are all passers-by in a hurry, meeting each other in a hurry. The separation left behind a string of endless stories in this hurried coming and going. In this hurried coming and going, I realized the preciousness of possession. In this hurried coming and going, I learned that we should cherish every sincerity and cherish every moment. A friendship
48. Nothing is perfect in the world. A person goes through all kinds of troubles to find something and waits until he can get it. However, the thing he originally held in his hand is thrown away
p>49. Love is so contradictory and so subtle. It looks like hate but is actually love. On the outside, we quarrel but on the inside, we care. The most vicious words are often spoken to the person we love the most
50. If a person really is in your heart, then you don’t care if he is by your side
51. If you love someone, you will love him without committing. If you don’t love someone, you will betray him if you have promised. 38. He is too charming The life of a person who is too unattractive will be too deserted, lost in tranquility, too tiring, too lonely and heart-breaking
53. There are so many cities in the world, and there are so many bars in the city, but she left Entered my room.
54. When I was a child, my mother took me to see Snow White. Everyone fell in love with Snow White, but I fell in love with the old witch.
55. Liang: I always thought that I was different from He Baorong. It turns out that when we are lonely, everyone is the same.
56. Do you know that I have been lying to you? ----Just lie, just like a moth, even if you know you are going to get hurt, you will still throw yourself on the fire.
57. "When I decide to spend the second half of my life with you, I hope that the second half of my life will start soon."
58. Many years later, I have a nickname called Western Poison. Anyone can become vicious, as long as you have tried what jealousy is. I don’t mind what other people think of me, I just don’t want others to be happier than me
59. Heart. I thought some people would never be jealous because they were too proud. This year's classic funny quotes
1. The south wind kisses the face gently, the stars are faint, the moon is misty, oh you are so heavy tonight.
2. The fool stole the beggar's wallet, and the blind man saw it. The mute roared, which frightened the deaf man. The hunchback stepped forward, the lame man kicked up, and the pockmarked man said: Look at my face. never mind. The madman said: That is, people must be rational.
3. It’s okay to bask in the sun. Maybe no one will call you an idiot after you get tanned.
4. It’s really troublesome to meet strangers and you have to tell lies again. .
5. I feel sorry for my second brother. Because of his birth order, he has been carrying the heavy burden of "two" since he was a child.
6. When Cupid shoots the arrow of Cupid at you, you have love and arrows; when you return love to Cupid, you are left with nothing but bitch
< p> 7. Love makes people warm. The word "warm" can be broken down into a day and a love. A little more love every day can make our days warm.8. The real scandals are all in the mouths of ordinary people!
9. You have to walk on the road you choose even if you kneel down
10. Eat less! Play more football! Walking to get off work! Miss you girl! The more you think, the more you lose, the more you think about, the more you lose weight! --Lose weight secrets
11. If I were not afraid of death, I would really commit suicide!
12. This girl, first of all, there is a generation gap between us, and secondly, you have no cleavage. How can we communicate?
13. A capable and responsible man should say this to his wife: Your money is yours, and my money is ours
14. Don’t Treat your daughter-in-law as your biological daughter, and don't treat your mother-in-law as your biological mother; keep a bowl of soup at a distance, and be a measured mother-in-law and a measured daughter-in-law; then you will both be happy!
15. The mother has to teach her son to put clothes on his body in 5 years. After getting married, his wife will use 5 seconds to ask him to take off all his clothes.
16. Since you are so opposed to second marriage, what do you think about him having bigamy with someone else in the game?
17. Brother and the world are very pornographic and violent. You cannot be stupid or naive.
18. Girl, you not only understand the world, but you also understand globalization! But girl, you must not dominate!
19. There are two types of people in nightclubs - pick-up guys and girls.
20. My mother taught me that all talk but no action is a pustule. No matter how good your words are, if your hands cannot work and your feet cannot walk, such a man is not reliable.
21. Ideals are like underwear. You must have them, but you can’t prove that you have them to everyone!
22. If a woman loves you, you are her husband. Several women love you and you are a man. Ten women love you, you are the love species. Hundreds of women love you, you are an idol. Thousands of women love you, you are a hero. Thousands of women love you, you are the leader. Women all over the country love you, you are RMB. Women all over the world love you, oh you are a sanitary napkin.
23. Starvation, if done well, is called losing weight; pinching people, if done well, is called massage; being in a daze, if done well, is called deepness; being lazy, if done well, is called deepness. Being good is called enjoyment; being shameless, if done well, is called persistence; pretending to be stupid, if done well, is called being wise and foolish.
24. If marriage is the tomb of love, then blind date is to look at the feng shui of the tomb, confession is to dig one's own grave, marriage is to sacrifice one's love, falling in love is to move the grave, and the third party is to rob the tomb.
25. I originally wanted to eat my sorrow one bite at a time, but unexpectedly I became fat one bite at a time.
26. Obesity is a breathing pain, it lives in every corner of my body. It hurts to eat KFC, McDonald’s, even drinking water. Obesity is a breathing pain, it flows in every corner of my body. It rolls back and forth in the blood. It hurts if I regret not losing weight. It hurts if I hate not dieting. It hurts the most when I want to lose weight but can't.
27. What is romance? Even if you know she doesn't like you, you still send her 99 roses. What is waste? You know she likes you, but you still send her 99 roses.
28. Spreading rumors is called hype when done well; sleeping is called stealing dreams when done well; flattering is called praise when doing well; father, doing well is called Li Gang; cheating is called calmness when doing well ; Inferiority, doing well is called humility; Narcissism, doing well is called personality; Running naked, doing well is called art; Working to death, doing well is called sacrifice; Working, doing well is called entrepreneurship; Commenting, doing well is called originality ; Walk-in, well done is called a friendly performance.
29. After watching "Apple", I found out that men are unreliable; after watching "Lust, Caution", I found out that women are unreliable; after watching "Report", I found out that brothers are unreliable; after watching "Assembly", I found out that organizations Unreliable; after watching "Mom Love Me Again", I found that my father is unreliable; after watching "New Police Story", I found that my son is unreliable; after watching "The Matrix", I found that all reality is unreliable, and the conclusion can only be relied on by myself, which is called "I can't be trusted". .
30. Li Ao comments on men’s love: ① If you don’t take the initiative, beautiful women will let other men crawl on them. ②If you don’t refuse, an ugly girl will crawl on you. ③ Without commitment, no woman is willing to let you climb on her.
Li Ao’s comments on men’s work: ① If you don’t take the initiative, others will take away your good position; ② If you don’t refuse, all bad things will be arranged for you; ③ If you don’t commit, no leader will believe you.
31. This year’s college entrance examination failed in liberal arts. This year marks the 100th anniversary of the Revolution of 1911, 90 years since the founding of the Communist Party of China, 90 years since the implementation of the New Economic Policy, 80 years since the outbreak of the Anti-Japanese War, 60 years since the Korean War, 40 years since China returned to the United Nations, 30 years since the establishment of the Special Economic Zone, and 20 years since the end of the Cold War. This year marks the 10th anniversary of China’s accession to the WTO.
32. Chinese-style parents: 5-year-old: My child, I enrolled you in the Children's Palace. 7 years old: My child, I enrolled you in the Mathematical Olympiad class. 15 years old: My child, I enrolled you in a key middle school. 18 years old: My child, I signed up for you the college entrance examination assault class. 23 years old: Son, I will apply for civil service for you. 32 years old: Son, I signed up "If You Are the One" for you.
33. First line: I did not bring my student ID card, admission ticket, or ID card; second line: I did not do the listening, reading, and composition questions; Horizontal line: The emphasis is on participation
34. How can you get married without experiencing scum, and no one can become a mother casually.
35. There is only one "two" difference between talent and genius. Therefore, talents are very good, but geniuses are always a bit lacking.
36. No matter how beautiful your words are, they are worthless if you don’t do the real work well; if you do practical things for the people, once you speak, they are worth a thousand dollars.
37. When someone presses you with a stone, if you can hold your head up, that is resistance.
38. Sometimes love is a kind of harm. Cruel people choose to hurt others, and kind people choose to hurt themselves.
39. Zhang Fei pierced the eye of a needle, don’t look at me as stupid, big and thick, I made it for you to see.
40. You don’t understand what my brother is doing because you are still too ignorant.
41. There is still spring even though my brother looks so abstract, what are you afraid of?
42. Can talented men like us be handsome?
43. The story of the boy who cried wolf tells us that after being deceived twice, we must believe him the third time.
44. When you fall in love with someone, Maggie Cheung, Brooke Shields, etc. should be idlers like Sister Ma and the royal sister-in-law Li Xiulian, and your girlfriend should be your ultimate aesthetic, the small universe in your heart. The very eternal goddess Athena. 2020 Classic Funny Quotations
Li Yunlong in "Bright Sword"
Li Yunlong: "Even if two ants on the ground fight, they will separate the male and the female."
Li Yunlong: "If you are unlucky, your farts will hit your heels. What kind of bullshit is it to be the director of a quilt factory? Isn't that what a man does? Isn't this forcing Zhang Fei to embroider? You, old man, just wait. One day you will get it If you see a quilt where two mandarin ducks are playing in the water, that’s what we Lao Li embroidered.”
Li Yunlong: “There are so many soldiers in the same nest, and our independent regiment has nothing to eat, it’s just the fucking political commissar. Bear."
Li Yunlong: "If the news spreads about a female gun, I want a male one."
Li Yunlong: "Don't you look like a boss? He stared at the sky with his buttocks turned, blind and blind!"
"The Deer and the Cauldron" Wei Xiaobao
Xiaobao: (pointing to several assassins from Prince Mu's Palace on the ground) "These assassins ran into my room. Come on, I'll kill you with a few knives."
Xiaobao: "It's hard to chase a horse. It turns out to be a horse that's hard to catch. I really don't understand what kind of horse it is. (I saw it running so fast.) Liu Yizhou looked at him strangely and said seriously) "It's okay, it's okay."
Xiaobao: "I'm sorry, Your Majesty, I sprayed your face, I'm sorry." < /p>
Xiaobao: "No, no, no, you must have broken my eyeballs. I see something is wrong with you now. Why is it that you have a human body and a pig's body?" "My head!"
Xiaobao: "A man can speak his mind instantly, and it's hard to chase any horse!"
"Ling Ling Tiger"
Ling Linghu: "The invincible lollipop that can beat even your mother even recognizes you."
Ling Linghu: "Warm in winter and cool in summer, special price soft hedgehog armor that is invulnerable.
"
Ling Linghu: "Wow, you run so fast, you thought you were Usain Bolt from Jamaica! "
Ling Linghu: "The duty of our Ouchi agents is to fall in love, not to pick up princesses, not to protect the emperor and investigate traitors. How can we harbor assassins here! "
"Battlefield Romance" Zhang Erniu
Zhang Erniu: "Wherever you go with a gun in your hand, you don't walk sideways? "
Zhang Erniu: "Do you think I will let anyone wipe my butt? "
Zhang Erniu: "This is strange. People who study are called students, people who beg for food are called huazi, people who work outside are called wanderers, those who cook are called cooks, and those who act are not called cooks. What's the actor's name? ”
Zhang Erniu: “There is something wrong with you all over your body, and all the beads of sweat you produce are bad water.” "
Zhang Erniu: "I only have a chair for one person in my heart, and there is no place for you. "
Zhang Erniu: "The relationship between the two of us is that we can't live without the weight, and the old man can't live without his wife. "
Zhang Erniu: "Don't scream, don't be petty, hold your breath steady and hold the knife in your crotch so we don't panic. "
Zhang Erniu: "Don't Zhang Fei wear glasses and act prudish for me. "
Zhang Erniu: "Is that statement of yours true? Is that statement of yours false? Could it be that you are also following my life as a drama? "
Zhang Erniu: "Isn't there a sentence? Opponents are throwing pots and pans, which is the best news. "
Zhang Erniu: "That's different. If the chief did this, it would be an anecdote, but if I did it, it would be a scandal. "
Zhang Erniu: "I will make a rule, whoever plays the bad guy from now on will be good. "
"If You Are the One" Qin Fen
Qin Fen: "What's wrong with me just looking for a fairy daughter? Can't I change the genes of our descendants of the old Qin family? If you have to find something ugly and think about escaping from prison every day, will you feel comfortable? "
Qin Fen: "As for marrying a wife and having children, I'd better be self-reliant and not accept foreign aid! "
Qin Fen: "Rich husbands like Andy Lau and Tom Cruise will not come to seek your hand in marriage. Of course, I don't dream of Notting Hill either. If you were really a fairy, I wouldn't be able to catch you. I didn't expect you to look like the cover of a pictorial and I'd be blown away at just one glance. ”
Qin Fen: “OpEN character, half-to-half personality, not an honest person, but naturally timid. I can’t kill people even if it’s not against the law. I’m so unreasonable that my conscience is tortured. I’m hit. You are destined to be a bad guy even if you want to be bad. Generally speaking, it basically belongs to the category that is beneficial and harmless to people and society. ” Funny Quotes of the Year
1. Life is like a play, it all depends on acting.
2. Youth is dedicated to the house, and middle age is dedicated to the children.
3. Fifty cents and fifty cents are the happiest because they are together.
4. There are two ways to pollute a place: garbage or money.
5. Doctor! Please give me some regret medicine, and give me a cup of forgetful water.
6. No matter how difficult or painful it is, just treat yourself as a 250-year-old. No matter how difficult or dangerous it is, just treat yourself as a fool.
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7. I prefer watching Naruto, because if you die, a whole village of Japanese people will die.
8. If you don’t CTM, he will never know that you are his father. /p>
9. There is no point in being handsome!
10. The oath is just a momentary gaffe!
11. The test can be used! Fire, you can use gold to test women, and you can use women to test men. 12. Being angry is punishing yourself for other people's mistakes. 13. Go to Baidu on Google.
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14. If you can't tolerate me, it means either your mind is too narrow or my personality is too great.
15. A woman is like a book on a bookshelf, even if you buy her. , but she was more or less turned over by several men before you bought it...
16. If you have to pay taxes when you look in the mirror, I'm afraid some women will go bankrupt.
17. Women conquer men with stockings, and men conquer banks with stockings.
18. There are too many liars and not enough fools.
19. My dear, you have to believe me. I feel dizzy even sitting on a boat, let alone riding two boats.
20. If you were a flower, no cow would dare to poop in the future!
21. When I was young, I was not sensible. I often dragged my sister along when I went shopping, which ended up hurting her a lot. Now I don’t pull her around, but I didn’t expect it to hurt a lot again...
22. You go. Your overpass, I'll cross my underpass.
23. Since I got mentally ill, my spirit has become much better!
24. I am the most normal among perverts, and the most perverted among normal people.
25. I have always emphasized that you should be low-key. But you insist on giving me applause and screams.
26. I am always wandering between Cow A and Cow C.
27. If you can’t hold the sand, just throw it away.
28. A cobbler killed three Zhuge Liang.
29. Grandpas are descendants of grandsons...
30. If I couldn't beat you, I would have fallen out with you long ago.
31. Tears are the gift you mailed to me, and the address is not very happy.
32. The carousel is the cruelest game. There is an eternal distance between chasing each other!
33. Today’s college students are so unqualified! I came here to copy a piece of pornographic material, but I actually used shearing!
34. My signature is very expensive, especially on checks!
35. I will still look for you in the next life, because besides me, you are the stupidest person.
36. One person’s loneliness is the fault of two people.
37. I am still young and need guidance. But I don’t need you to point fingers at me.
38. In a few decades, we will meet, be sent to the crematorium, and burn to ashes. You will be in a pile, I will be in a pile, no one knows each other, and we will all be sent to the countryside to be used as fertilizer. .
39. I treat money like dirt and my dad treats me like a septic tank.
40. True love is like UFO, we have only heard of it, but no one has seen it.
41. I am not a descendant of a rich man! But I want to be the ancestor of a rich man!
42. Although you are wearing cologne, I can still smell a faint smell of scum