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I have been paying attention to three "more and more" recently.
The first "more and more"? Breastfeeding rate is getting lower and lower.
"I refuse to breastfeed my children. There are many new mothers in our unit. Because of postpartum breastfeeding, my chest finally sagged and a swimming ring grew on my waist. Too ugly, I can't accept it. "
The second "more and more"? More and more mothers go to work immediately after giving birth.
"The child is so small, I don't know anything. Just eat and sleep well. I will go back when the children go to primary school and need education. Now, in recent years, I will make more money. "
The third "more and more"-"independent education for infants" is becoming more and more popular.
The most typical methods are crying immunity, delayed gratification and independent sleep for infants.
"Don't be too close to your child, and don't satisfy your child easily. Even if the child cries, you must never be soft-hearted. Babies who get too much comfort will grow up dependent on adults and become too clingy to be independent. "
These three "more and more" worry me. I couldn't help it, so I decided to stand up and fart.
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In 1930s and 1940s, Watson, an American psychologist and founder of behavioral psychology, put forward a very famous theory:
"A child's need for love stems from his need for food. Satisfying his demand for food will satisfy his demand for love, so the mother only needs to provide enough food for the baby.
Watson
Mothers can't be too close to their children, which will hinder their growth and make them very dependent on their mothers when they grow up, making it difficult to be independent and successful. "
Watson also wrote a book specifically for this purpose-"Psychological Care for Infants".
In his book, he advocates behavior correction parenting system:
"Train and shape children into machines;
Treat children like adults, try not to kiss and hug them, don't let them sit on their mother's lap, don't satisfy them easily, and even if they cry, they must never be soft-hearted, lest they develop the bad habit of relying on their parents ... "
This theory swept the United States in the 1930s and 1940s, and subsequently influenced many western countries.
Later, the popular crying immunization method, delayed gratification method and infant autonomous sleep method all originated from this.
Is this theory really that effective?
Another psychologist questioned this.
Who is this man? Harry Harlow.
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Harlow found many rhesus monkeys and did a series of experiments.
Why do experiments with rhesus monkeys?
Because 94% of rhesus monkeys share the same genes with humans, its response to external stimuli is very similar or similar to that of humans.
Harold's first experiment was. Substitution experiment
Harold put the newborn baby monkey in a cage, and then replaced the mother monkey with two fake monkeys.
A fake monkey is made of wire and has a bottle on its chest, which can provide milk for 24 hours.
The other fake monkey is flannel, which feels more comfortable and soft.
According to Watson's theory that "milk is mother"-a child's demand for love stems from his demand for food, and his demand for food is met, so is his demand for love.
Then the baby monkey will definitely be attached to the "tightrope mother".
However, the experimental results were unexpected. All the monkey babies who participated in the experiment chose the "velvet mother" without a bottle.
Almost all the time, the little monkey will hang on the "mother flannel", and only when he feels hungry will he go to feed the "mother flannel".
But as soon as it is full, it will quickly return to the arms of "Mother Flannel".
Some little monkeys don't even want to go when they are hungry. They hung themselves on "mother flannel" and only put their heads on "mother iron monkey" to feed.
Then Harold played a prank.
He made some wind-up toys, such as the scary Okumo and the bear playing drums, and then put them in the cage.
Scared, the little monkey immediately ran back to embrace "mother flannel" and lay in her arms, slowly calming down.
Harlow moved Mother Velvet to another room, and then continued to threaten with clockwork toys. The little monkey was even more afraid, but even if he was afraid again, he didn't run to Mama Silk, but looked at the "mother flannel" on the other side eagerly.
Without Mother Flannel, the little monkey would crouch on the ground, crouch, tremble, eat his fingers, sway and scream. ...
Much like a patient in a mental hospital
According to this experiment, Harlow put forward a famous conclusion-
Love comes from contact, not food.
Comfort brought by contact is the most important element of maternal love.
"The essence of maternal love is definitely not simply to satisfy children's hunger and thirst. Its core is contact care: hug, touch and intimacy. "
Therefore, parents should not only feed their children, but also provide them with tactile, visual and auditory care, so that their children can grow up healthily.
Let him feel the existence of his parents and his mind will develop healthily.
Harlow wrote: "Only milk, human beings will never live long."
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But these monkeys raised by "mother flannel" instead of real monkeys have a series of problems when they grow up:
When Harlow put these monkeys into a normal group of monkeys, he found that they could hardly get along with other monkeys.
"These monkeys are withdrawn, depressed and autistic, and some of them are self-destructive and aggressive. They are hostile to everything around them, can't play with other monkeys, and don't want to play with other monkeys. "
Harlow thus thought of a question-do they have the ability to raise their offspring?
So Harry did another experiment-reproduction experiment.
▲ Ignore the little monkey
▲ Abuse of young monkeys
Harlow found through experiments that all male monkeys have lost the ability to find mates and mate. And the female monkey doesn't want to mate.
When the experienced male monkey is put in, the female monkey will resist desperately. The male monkey is covered with injuries and has to admit his cowardice.
What should we do?
Harlow invented a "rape rack" to fix the female monkey's body and let the male monkey ride on it.
This tool really worked, and 20 female monkeys got pregnant and gave birth to young monkeys.
But something terrible happened:
Of these 20 females,
Seven umbilical cords were cut, and they ignored the child.
Eight of them often violently beat and abuse children.
Four of them even killed the children in cold blood.
Only 1 clumsily tried to feed the baby.
In other words, they almost lost the ability to raise their offspring.
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What's the problem?
Harlow thought for a long time and speculated that this might be related to "sports".
So he did another experiment-? Swing experiment.
He reinvented "Mother Flannel" so that it could move and swing.
So Harlow let a group of young monkeys go in and let the "velvet mother" who can swing raise them, and ensured that the young monkeys had half an hour to play with the real monkeys every day.
The experiment was very successful, so the monkeys raised in this way were basically normal in adulthood.
So Harlow came to the conclusion that exercise and play are two other important factors of maternal love.
"Only giving food and hugs, not giving children enough exercise and play, the sensory system of the brain controlling exercise and balance, and the emotional system connected with touch and exercise will be greatly affected.
In other words, brain function will be abnormal, manifested as violence, hallucinations and schizophrenia. "
Why do babies like their parents to shake gently?
Why do babies like to be teased?
Because exercise and play can promote brain development.
1958, Harold gave a famous speech at the annual meeting of the American Psychological Association. The topic of the speech is "The Essence of Motherly Love".
"Love has three variables: touch, exercise and play. If you can provide these three variables, you can meet all the needs of a primate. "
What is the essence of maternal love?
Touch, exercise and play.
This speech not only shocked the whole United States, but also subverted the way of feeding babies that American society has always advocated.
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Harlow's experiment has been verified a lot.
For example, orphanages during World War II.
During World War II, many babies were sent to orphanages. Although the orphanage gave enough food and clothes, most babies died.
Everyone thinks it strange to infer that the baby may die of bacterial or disease infection.
So the government stipulates that nuns who take care of babies should keep a distance from their children and put curtains between cribs.
But the situation has not improved, and babies are still dying.
Except for an orphanage, the infant mortality rate raised there is particularly low.
A doctor secretly went to investigate and found that a nun here violated the rules. Every night when she is on duty, she will pick up one baby and gently touch and massage it.
The truth comes from this-touch, exercise and play are the real panacea.
The German emperor Frederick II made a cruel experiment. He took many newborn babies away from their parents, gathered them together, and then the nurses specially fed them.
Only enough food was given, but there was no emotional interaction. As a result, all these babies died.
In the book "Hospital System", spitz recorded what he observed in the nursery:
"Those abandoned babies who only get food supplies will become extremely quiet, withdrawn and depressed because they can't get the touch and emotional interaction of caregivers. Many babies die before they are one year old. Although some babies have survived, they can't develop like normal children, or even sit, stand or talk. "
Worried about excessive maternal love, psychologist Watson realized his own ideas in his children:
"Don't kiss and hug the child."
"Don't satisfy your child easily."
As a result, his three children all suffered from depression, the eldest son committed suicide, and the second daughter committed suicide many times. The youngest son has been wandering and can live on his welfare.
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Harold felt that the experiment was not enough, so on the basis of experiment one, he did another experiment-? Open air experiment
He put the baby monkey in an unfamiliar small room, which was filled with many things, such as building blocks, blankets, containers with lids, origami and so on. All these little monkeys like to play.
Then Harlow designed three situations:
There is only "Mother Flannel" in the room.
There is only "bus" in the room.
There is no mother in the room.
The result is—
When there is only a "tightrope mother" or no mother in the room, the little monkeys will be very scared and nervous, either holding their heads in the corner or curled up on the blanket, ignoring the toys around them.
When there is a "mother flannel" at home, the little monkey will immediately rush over and hug the "mother flannel" tightly.
After a while, the young monkey will regard the "mother flannel" as a safe source, boldly touch those toys, gently touch them, then quickly return to the arms of the "mother flannel", and then try to touch those toys, and so on, just like human children.
When Harlow took Mother Flannel away, the little monkey would curl up in the corner with his head in his arms, showing a very scared look and never giving toys again.
Harlow drew two conclusions from this:
● Independence is not cultivated by "isolation" and "cruelty".
On the contrary, children who receive careful care, gentle hugs and timely responses are more likely to leave their mothers' arms to explore independently and become more independent and adaptable adults.
● The more a child is pampered, the more he will open his heart and become cheerful.
The more neglected children are, the more they will close their hearts, ignore the surrounding environment, and be withdrawn and unsociable.
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In order to continue to explore the possible problems caused by the lack of maternal love, Harlow did another experiment-the long-term lack of mother experiment.
After a group of little monkeys were born, Harlow kept them away from any fake mothers, left them alone in cages and just fed them regularly.
▲ The little monkey doesn't run to any mother.
After living without their mother for eight months, Harlow put them in a room with "Mother Flannel" and "Mother Wire".
How will these little monkeys react when the terrible wind-up toys appear?
As a result, they won't go to any mother, because they have never had experience with their mother.
Most of them supported, swayed, collapsed to the ground, and then screamed in despair.
What's even more frightening is that when these little monkeys grow up, they can't mix with them at all. They are very timid, afraid of other monkeys, and very self-destructive and aggressive.
When other monkeys bullied them, they began to hurt themselves, tearing their hair and biting their arms and legs.
Harold continued to do more detailed experiments, through which he found that:
Once the baby monkey is separated from its mother for more than 90 days after birth, the damage is irreparable. Even if I get along with my mother or other partners in the future, I will never grow into a normal monkey because I missed a "critical period".
Once you miss it, the door will be closed forever, and the emotional bond will never be established.
So Harlow came to the conclusion that six months after the birth of a child is the most important period to establish a good maternal love.
Why six months?
Because 90 days for monkeys is almost six months for humans.
Harlow concluded this way:
"After the child is born, parents, especially mothers, should avoid long-term separation from their children. Long-term separation will cause great harm to children. "
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Finally, Harlow made a very cruel experiment, which was called the well of despair.
Harlow made a funnel-shaped darkroom and hung the monkey upside down for two years. There was a container at the bottom for taking food.
At first, the little monkey would keep climbing the cliff, but when he found that he could not escape, he was lonely and desperate to quiet down.
Harlow called it "the well of despair".
▲ The Well of Despair
Two years later, when the monkeys were released, they were already suffering from severe depression. Like to stay away from monkeys, just sit, completely lose the vitality that monkeys should have, and have a strong tendency of autism, self-harm and attack.
Harlow tried many drugs and treated them with group life, but none of them improved much.
Harlow concluded that from these little monkeys, I saw how the worst mental illness of mankind came from.
"For primates, early severe and lasting isolation will lead to psychological injury and death of children.
This effect will last a lifetime. "
Aggressiveness is not innate, but despair that is born unresponsive. A baby who is seriously unresponsive will have two strong emotions in his heart:
First, despair-think that love does not exist.
Second, hatred-trying to destroy the whole world.
I thought of Ma Jiajue.
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Harlow's series of experiments have been criticized and reprimanded by many people because of their cruelty, but they have made great contributions and reversed the popular parenting methods in Europe and America.
Therefore, Harlow's surrogacy experiment on rhesus monkeys was later hailed as "the greatest psychological experiment in the 20th century".
What is the essence of maternal love?
● Touch? -Careful care, gentle embrace and timely response.
● Exercise? -Shake slightly and interact with children more.
● Play? -often play games with children.
Many parents always think that their children are young, ignorant and have no memory.
As we all know, when children are young, if they don't get enough touch, exercise and play, when they grow up, they tend to be introverted, unsociable, have poor stress resistance, have low self-worth and weak social skills, and even become depressed, autistic, self-destructive and aggressive.
Nowadays, parents like to say one thing-don't let their children lose at the starting line.
But most parents don't know that the real starting line is actually in infancy. The real enrichment of children is not to give the most money, not to give the best food, but to give the most companionship.
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The Lancet conducted a survey in 2009, and the results showed that there were 90 million people with depression in China.
In 20 16, China Center for Disease Control and Prevention released a data: in China, there are 13 people with mental disorders, and the suicide rate of adolescents in China ranks first in the world.
Although the causes of depression are very complicated and the causes of suicide involve many aspects, there is no doubt that one of the most deadly causes comes from "infancy" and "infancy".
Freud told a story in Three Theories of Sexology:
A three-year-old boy shouted in a dark room, "Aunt, talk to me!" " " ? " I'm afraid it's too dark here. "
Aunt said, "What's the use of doing that? You can't see me. "
The boy replied: "It doesn't matter, someone will bring light when talking."
The reaction is light.
There was no response, and the family was desperate.