Funny Three Kingdoms story

Taoyuan sworn sworn relationship:

Liu, Guan and Zhang. The three knelt down and shouted: "Today, the three brothers are sworn brothers. From now on, we will share blessings and share hardships.

Each has his own thoughts...

Liu: ( We won’t sell straw sandals anymore. We’ll charge protection fees instead...)

Guan: (Damn, uh... I drank too much again.)——{No wonder I’m blushing}

Zhang: (These two scoundrels, when are you going to pay me back my meat money? Damn...)

"Sgt. Go and see if the military advisor is back? "

A moment...

Sergeant: "Report to the Commander-in-Chief. Zhuge Liang is recovering from his injuries... ”

Zhou: “Where’s the arrow for healing?” …. "

Sergeant: "The military advisor has obtained 100,000 arrows. "

Zhou Xi said: "Sure enough, there is some skill. How did he do it? ”

Sergeant: “It’s… so… so… so… so….” ”

Zhou: “Oh! Where is the military advisor injured? "

Sergeant: "Oh. Nothing more. Cao Jun shot rockets. …”

Zhou: “…. "

Looking at plum blossoms to quench thirst

"My lord. The sergeant is thirsty at the door."

Cao Cao thought.

"Brothers at the door. The girl in Xiangyang City in front of me is very hot... ”

The saliva became a river. It is said in history that I want to quench my thirst

The cook brought a piece of chicken soup and called it "chicken ribs." "

After Yang found out, he packed his luggage immediately. Xiahou Dun asked him why.

Yang said: "My lord thinks the chicken's breasts are not good. Not to the taste. As time goes by, I will feel homesick. It's better to pack your clothes earlier. Go home. "

Xiahou sighed. "I really know the heart of King Wei. " Then he packed his luggage.

He was seen by his younger brother Xia Houyuan. He asked why. Dun said: "Yang Xiu said it. Dislike chicken is not good. Why not take care of your clothes? Go home. Yuan thought it was reasonable and did as he was told.

Li Dian saw him and asked him why. Yuan said: "My lord thinks the chickens here are not good." Might as well put your clothes on. Go home. "Li was a little confused, so he also packed his luggage.

Yu Jin looked at it and asked why. Li said, "I heard that my lord thinks the prostitutes here are not good. Not as good as at home. Might as well put on some clothes. Go back. "

"Why go back? " Yu was puzzled. He didn't ask any more questions. He also went to clean up.

Zhang Liao saw it and asked why. Yu said: "I don't know whether I should say it or not. I heard that the lord is not satisfied with the prostitutes here. It's better to go back to your hometown and have fun. I heard that the prostitute was kicked out by the lord without even wearing any clothes. Zhang Liao was surprised. "Seriously." "

"Nothing wrong. So get ready. "Zhang Sui did it.

Xu Huang saw him and asked him why. Zhang said: "My lord called a prostitute the night before yesterday. However, I don’t know what happened. The lord seemed very dissatisfied. Get that prostitute out. Not even wearing any clothes. Just rolled out. How miserable! He also said it was not as good as the one in his hometown. Might as well prepare to go home now. "

Xu said nothing, so he turned around to pack his luggage.

Xu Chu saw him and asked him why. Xu said: "A few days ago. The lord found a prostitute. The Lord seems to be at his wits end. Not feeling happy, he ran out.

I heard that she was kicked out by a prostitute. Not even wearing any clothes. It’s so funny. The Lord also said. Not as good as the women at home. Want to go home. Really, it’s hard for our lord to worry so much about us. Of course my body won’t get better. Hi... "

Xu was shocked. Lord, please take care...

If nothing happens, I will patrol the camp with my ax. See Xu packing his luggage. Ask him why.

Xu Baocao cried bitterly: "Master, we are sorry for you. You do it for us. The heart is broken and the mouth is thinned. My body is also exhausted. (wiping tears) It doesn't matter. My family has an ancestral miracle medicine.

————Brother Tiger. As long as I eat Tiger Brother, I want to be happy every night. It is a must-have medicine for traveling and killing people. Just have a taste. Be a groom every night. Just give it a lick. Better than a living god. Lord, take it. ”

Cao Nu: “Damn, I’ll take your big watermelon.” What do you think happened to me? What bastard said that I can't do it? "

Xu Gongxu. Ask. Nai Zhang said. Ask. Nai Yu said. Ask Yu. Nai Li said. Ask Li. Nai Yuan said. Ask. Nai Dun said. Ask. Naixiu said.

Cao was furious and killed him. 1. “Little boy, is Mr. Zhuge here? " Liu Bei asked.

"My master went to look at the feng shui of the burial. ”

“……. "

2. "Little boy, is Mr. Zhuge here? " Liu Bei asked.

"My master went to Lincun to collect a bad debt. "

"Hey, Zhuge is a busy man. "Liu Bei sighed.

3. "Is this brother Mr. Zhuge? ”

“Brilliant but not talented. Is this big-eared brother Uncle Liu Huang? ”

“That’s right.” "Liu Bei held Zhuge Liang's hand tightly and couldn't speak for a long time.

"Uncle Huang, speak slowly. "

(Liu Bei's eyes were full of heat. Turning back to Guan, Zhang said) "Brothers. We can finally stop having three and one missing. "

"..."

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Zhuge Liang scolded the formation:

The two armies of Cao and Shu faced each other, and the two sides scolded each other before the start. Formation. Cao Jun sent Jiang Gan forward, but before he could speak, Zhuge Liang asked him loudly: "Do it!" How is your mother? Qian had no choice but to respond: "Okay!" The Shu army laughed and Cao's army was in an uproar. Cao Cao was furious and urged his horse forward. Before he could speak, Zhuge Liang greeted him again loudly: "Cao! How is your mother?" Cao Cao had no choice but to lead the army to retreat.

Generals: "……………………"

Zhuge Liang (adjusted his glasses and looked at the name book carefully): "Where is Zhang Yimou!"

General: "……………………"

Wei Yan: "The military advisor...should be Zhang Yide, right? It's Zhang Yide..."

Zhuge Liang: "…………"

——Zhuge Liang hated Wei Yan all his life, and before his death, he secretly ordered Ma Dai to assassinate him.

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Changsaka Po -

Cao Hong: "Look back!"

Xiahou Dun: "This is already the seventh time today, isn't he tired?"

Cao Cao: "Damn it... Do you have to kill all my men before you stop!?"

Zhao Yun, who was fighting in the rebel army: "Zhang Fei, this XXXX! He asked me to be the queen and didn't give me a map~~~Where is the Changban Bridge?

It~~~ ~~”

——Zhao Yun, courtesy name Zilong and nickname Liangya, is one of the Five Tiger Generals in Sichuan.

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Zhou Yu: "Ji Shengyu~~~He Shengliang~~~~Ji Shengyu~~~He Shengliang~~~"

Reader: " Isn't it wrong~~~As the commander-in-chief of the three armies of Soochow, he would say such petty words on his deathbed?"

Luo Guanzhong: "Is it a petty thing~~~~"

——So, in some lost versions of the Three Kingdoms, Zhou Yu shouted before his death——

“Eighteen years later~~~I am still a good man~~~ "

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Wuzhangyuan——

Jiang Wei: "Teacher, I'm back! Today I bought a cart of celery for three cents and five buckets of four cents. Rice...

Why are there seven lamps burning in the room? Lamp oil is very expensive now, and the military’s grain and oil subsidies don’t include kerosene~~ What do you need? Night! Can’t you turn it off? Wow~ Look how big the one in the middle is~~ Turn it off now~~:) Oh, that’s right. What did you want to say to me just now, teacher?"

The death of the superstar...

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Cao Cao: "Weak!"

Yang Xiu: "Come on~~~~! Prime Minister, please use it slowly."

Cao Cao: "Push... push it out and kill it!"

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Cao Pi: "Cao Zhi! If I can't compose a poem in seven steps, I'll kill you! Hey, did you hear that~~stop~~don't go~~I'm talking to you, come back~~~"

——When you meet a younger brother who is spoiled by his father, the elder brother is usually very shameless.

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Diao Chan: "…………"

Dong Zhuo: "…………"

Lü Bu : "I just want to hear your true words, which one of us do you love more!?"

Diao Chan: "…………"

Dong Zhuo: " ……………”

Lu Bu: “Answer me!”

Dong Zhuo: “It’s really hard to decide~~~~I like both~~~~”

Lu Bu: "Scum~~~~!!"

——According to research, the first BL murder case in Chinese history occurred in the late Eastern Han Dynasty...

Police car: "Listen, two thieves~~~You are surrounded~~~ Put down your weapons..."

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Sun Shangxiang: "They are Ding Feng and Xu Sheng's men. My brother must have sent them to hunt us down! What should we do, husband?"

Liu Bei: "Oh, when we left Jingzhou The military advisor has given three tips and two have been used. Now it’s time to use the third one. Zilong, open the tip.”

Zhao Yun: “Yes.” ? There's a blue tights and a red cloak inside?"

Liu Bei: "Could it be..."

Zhao Yun: "There's a note...' Become a superman and be able to drive away enemy soldiers'..."

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" Liu Bei said: "You can learn it again. You farted so loudly just now that I didn't hear it."

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Tryst:

But one day, Wang Yun invited Dong Zhuo to his home for a drink. During the banquet, Wang Yun's daughter Diao Chan was responsible for pouring wine. Dong Zhuo and Diao Chan flirted with each other and became lustful for each other. Before leaving, Diao Chan knocked Dong Zhuo three times on the head and then left with his hands behind his back. At three o'clock that night, Dong Zhuo entered from the back door of Wang Yun's house and came to Diao Chan's house. The door opened automatically. Dong Zhuo walked in and saw two doors. One side said "married" and the other side said "unmarried". Dong Zhuo walked in through the "unmarried" door.

Not long after walking, there were two more doors at the end of the corridor, with "experienced" and "inexperienced" written on them. Dong Zhuo continued to move forward from the "inexperienced" door. As he walked, he came to the end of the corridor, where there were also two doors.

It said "

More than ten centimeters" and "Below ten centimeters". Dong Zhuo opened the door of "Below ten centimeters" and walked to the road outside

...

Adou:

After Mrs. Miao Fang Mi gave birth to Adou, she was troubled by Adou's pooping problem all day long. Then he went to ask Hua Tuo for advice. Mrs. Mi asked: "Doctor Hua, my Adou has to poop n times a day. Besides using diapers, is there any better way?" Hua Tuo thought for a while and replied: "Yes! You can raise a few dung beetles." ."

Liu Bei patted the chest of a soldier next to him and praised: "Look at these chest muscles, how well they have been trained!" Soldier Answer: "The head of the report, I am a female soldier!"

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Comparison:

Dong Zhuo. Everyone was eating together. During the dinner, Beihai Governor Kong Rong took out a box of pears and shared them with everyone, and threw the remaining pears out of the window. Liu Bei saw this and asked, "Isn't this a pity?" Kong Rong said, "It doesn't matter, we have plenty of pears there!" After a while, Yuan Shao took out a box of gold and gave each of them a piece, and threw away the rest. Go out the window. When Liu Bei saw this, he asked: "Isn't this a pity?" Yuan Shao said: "It doesn't matter, we have plenty of gold there!" Liu Bei lowered his head, thought for a while, stood up, and without saying a word, threw Zhang Fei beside him. outside the window.

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Ma Chao VS Cao Cao

32. It’s Your Turn It is said that Ma Chao attacked Cao Cao to avenge his father. Cao Cao suffered a disastrous defeat against Ma Chao in the Battle of Tongguan and fled in panic. Ma Chao chased after him. Cao Cao, who was chasing him, took off his robe and cut off his long beard. Two people, one is running in front and the other is chasing behind. In the end, Cao Cao was caught up by Ma Chao. Cao Cao dismounted in despair and knelt on the ground weakly, waiting for Ma Chao to leave. After hearing Ma Chao laugh several times, he said: "Hahahaha! I finally caught you! Okay, now it's your turn to catch me. No peeking."