Children should be raised by themselves, but now many grandparents have become de facto surrogate parents. Some are part-time surrogate parents who participate in raising children, and some are full-time surrogate parents who monitor left-behind children. Grandparents acting as surrogate parents have a certain negative impact on the three generations of grandparents. Only by grasping the parenting principles of love with restraint, tacit cooperation, equal emphasis on upbringing, maintaining childlike innocence, and building bridges, can we combine loving the grandchildren with strict requirements and love them. Instead of doting, cooperate with your children in disciplining them, and do not act as a shield. You should not only care about the children's food, drink, and warmth, but also teach them more about how to behave. Only in this way can you reduce the negative impact and maximize the effectiveness of family education.
Grandparents become surrogate parents
I have received many cases of grandparents raising children, and here are a few typical examples -
Case 1: Elderly After the Li couple's only daughter got married, the young couple lived with the old Li couple. After having a granddaughter, Mr. and Mrs. Li felt sorry for their daughter and let her sleep in the same room with them at night. As a result, the child had no chance to nurse, and the mother's milk supply just came back. Now the granddaughter simply became the child of Mr. and Mrs. Li, and she stayed with her grandparents day and night. The reason that grandma talks about is: The young couple has to go to work during the day, so what can they do if they lack sleep at night? Regardless of whether this reason is valid or not, the young couple is at ease anyway, and Lao Li and his wife become "parents".
In a blink of an eye, my granddaughter is three or four years old, and her parents have become indifferent people. Lao Li and his wife often complained that the young couple had not grown up enough to be able to take care of things, so they became even more afraid to hand over their children to them.
Case 2: Xiaohai, a 12-year-old boy, was raised by his grandparents when he was a child. When he went to kindergarten, his grandparents were responsible for picking him up and dropping him off, and he slept with his grandparents at night. Xiaohai's parents rarely see their children. When they finally see them, they want to take care of them, and their grandparents act as "protectors." It was because of the doting and pampering of her grandparents that Xiaohai became more and more hopeless and got into trouble every now and then. Later, she simply couldn't study at all. In the end, she had to drop out of school and stay at home, neglecting her studies.
Case 3: Lan Lan, an 11-year-old girl, is well-behaved, introverted, and doesn’t like to talk. The grandfather who brought her for consultation said worriedly that Lanlan had a special affection for a middle-aged male teacher. She always liked to see the teacher when she had nothing to do. When she got to the teacher's office, she didn't want to leave. She was sweeping the floor and pouring water. As long as the teacher was there. , she couldn't leave.
It turns out that Lan Lan was a left-behind child. When she was five or six years old, her parents left home to do business, so they gave the child to her grandparents. Her parents were away all year round, only returning home for a few days during the Chinese New Year every year. Over time, Lan Lan felt as if she were a stranger when she saw her parents, and she blushed when talking to her parents.
The grandparents do not pamper their granddaughter. Lanlan is also very sensible. She said embarrassedly: "The teacher cares about me very much. He always praises me for my composition and reads it to everyone in the class. When winter comes, he often asks me if I am cold. I think he Just like dad, even closer than dad. I love this teacher from the bottom of my heart. Don’t you think I love the teacher?”
It seems that as a left-behind child, father loves family affection. The lack of love led to Lanlan's attachment to the middle-aged male teacher. What she sought was an alternative psychological compensation.
Psychological Dialysis: Grandparents and parents have psychological reasons.
So many grandparents become surrogate parents of their children. There are psychological reasons for both grandparents and parents.
Some grandparents have become surrogate parents, and they are indeed taking the initiative to raise their grandchildren as sons. There are five types of psychological complexes among them.
First, the psychology of dependence. There is a deep-rooted tendency of parent-child psychological integration in the parent-child relationship, that is, there is a psychological "umbilical cord" between parents and children that never seems to disappear, making parents and children become psychological "Siamese people", and each other has lost their due independence. , with greater dependence. When children grow up, this psychological integration complex between parent and child naturally extends to their grandchildren, leading many elderly people to raise their grandchildren as sons, essentially to satisfy their own dependence.
The second is degenerative psychology. Due to the rejuvenating mentality, some elderly people show the characteristics of children's words and deeds, and have a tendency to be close to children psychologically. They regard children as their spiritual friends and tend to value the emotional connection with their grandchildren while downplaying their rational responsibilities.
The third is the psychology of attachment. Children are like the rising sun in the east, and old people are like the setting sun in the west. Seeing their grandchildren springing up like mushrooms, the elderly are filled with joy. At the same time, they also feel a nostalgia for their youth, so they naturally want to be with their grandchildren.
The fourth is compensation psychology. Both children and the elderly have ample leisure time. After retirement, the elderly will inevitably feel a sense of emptiness, loss and loneliness. They place more of their hope and joy in life on their grandchildren. Some elderly people may also want to make up for it on their grandchildren. The regret of raising children in the first place.
The fifth is the psychology of expectation. The love an old man has for his grandchildren is a kind of expectation. Successful people hope that the third generation will catch up and surpass themselves; losers hope that the third generation will not repeat the same mistakes and ruin their lives.
As for parents, some have passively given up their responsibilities. Some parents of left-behind children are indeed forced by real life and have to let their grandparents become surrogate parents. However, more parents abandon their children to their grandparents due to subjective cognitive and personality psychological reasons.
In terms of cognition, many parents lack mental health knowledge and lack proper understanding of the psychological risks that the lack of family affection brings to their children. They do not understand that family affection is not directly determined by blood, but can only be established through long-term parent-child interaction. It is cultivated in children, and family affection has positive psychological significance for the growth of parents and children. So they only focus on working and making money, and ignore the children's psychological needs for family affection.
In terms of personality, young parents are mostly the first generation of only children in my country. They are used to being self-centered and being cared for by their parents in an all-round way while growing up. They have a strong dependence on their parents. , lack of proper sense of self-responsibility and lack of due responsibility for life. Many people cannot adapt to the changing roles after becoming parents and have not established the due sense of responsibility.
What cannot be ignored is that the grandparents have become surrogate parents, which has a negative impact on the three generations of grandparents.
It is not conducive to the elderly’s life in their later years. It will hinder the elderly’s independence and strengthen their psychological attachment, leaving the elderly with no chance to adapt to life in the elderly world, no chance to learn to enjoy the loneliness of old age, and greatly reducing the happiness in their later years.
It is not conducive to the psychological growth of young parents. No one becomes a parent as soon as they have a child. Only in the process of raising children will young parents gradually become mentally mature, and a good parent-child relationship will be formed during parent-child interaction.
It is not conducive to the psychological development of children. If the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is too close, it will hinder the establishment of a normal parent-child relationship. Grandparents love to pamper their children, which can easily cause children to develop willful problems and cause personality deviations. The elderly's preference for quietness can also easily destroy the children's vitality.
Psychological Countermeasures: Surrogate parents must play their roles well
In a family of three generations, grandparents must grasp the roles they play and always remind themselves that they are supporting roles. The child's parents are the protagonists of this drama. If we want the family affection of our grandchildren not to be lacking, we must have children who are not lacking in the upbringing of their children. The protagonist is not missing, the supporting roles are not offside, and everyone plays their own role well, then it is a good tutoring show.
You must also play a supporting role in your behavior. You can go to your children's home to help take care of the children. If you need to let your grandchildren come to your home, try your best to let your children take the children back at night. Even if it is difficult to pick up the child every night, the child should be returned to his or her parents frequently, or the parents of the child should come back to see the child frequently.
Grandparents who have become full-time surrogate parents for many reasons are the de facto protagonists of family education. They must also try their best to compensate their children for their lack of family affection and maximize their children's mental health.
First, you must be fully mentally prepared and fully aware of the role you play, the responsibilities you will assume, and the difficulties you will face.
The most important psychological preparation is that you must take on the responsibility of educating in love and care.
Second, we must pay attention to the strategy of intergenerational upbringing and pay attention to the combination of leniency and severity. We cannot be more leniency and less severity just because the children cannot see their parents for many years. Pay attention to the combination of care and release. You cannot do everything. You must let go and train your child's ability to live independently. In particular, we should pay attention to spending more time with our children, increasing their interactions with partners, reducing their loneliness, preventing their children from becoming adults in their mental state, and allowing them to exercise themselves through interactions with their peers.
The third is not to compete with the children’s parents for affection. The love between grandparents and grandchildren cannot replace the love between parents and children. Don’t be greedy for credit after working full-time. Don’t be emotionally greedy for the love of your children. Don’t let the children’s feelings be completely transferred to you. Don’t let the children become alienated from their parents. Especially, don’t let them. Children develop complaints against their parents. For this reason, grandparents should pay special attention not to complain about their parents in front of their children. They should pay attention to observing the children. If they find that the children have complaints about their parents, they should resolve them in time. They should encourage their children to talk to their children on the phone and send text messages frequently, and express their love for their children as much as possible. love.
Fourth, we must help children make a good psychological transition and connection when they are separated from their parents and sent back to their parents' home. Give children a transition period both physically and psychologically, and help them smoothly adapt to the transition process of living environment. For example, if parents are coming back, grandparents should communicate with their children more in advance to stimulate their longing for reunion with their parents.
(The author is a researcher in applied psychology)
"China Education News" Page 4, August 12, 2020
Author: Ma Zhiguo