Why is the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law difficult?

Why is it difficult for mother-in-law and daughter-in-law to get along? In various literary works or literature records, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is often bad. Throughout thousands of years of history in China, it is difficult to find examples of peaceful coexistence between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Why are mother-in-law and daughter-in-law difficult to get along with? Here are some ways to get along with your mother-in-law and avoid quarreling. Why is it difficult for mother-in-law and daughter-in-law to get along? 1 According to Freud's thinking, some researchers explain it from the perspectives of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law's emotional possessiveness and "Oedipus complex" to their sons and husbands. When we try to analyze it from the perspective of social psychology, what conclusion will we get? Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law often emphasize one's true feelings, while the other's due feelings are not satisfactory to both sides. Social psychology research has found that China people will adopt two-dimensional standards when classifying various interpersonal relationships. One dimension is the role distance between two people in a relationship, and the other dimension is the balance between the exchange of true feelings and the performance of obligations between two people in a relationship. In family relations, parent-child relationship is a kind of blood relationship, and parents and children are connected by blood. Parent-child relationship is particularly important in China culture with father and son as the axis. But the relationship between husband and wife, between brothers and sisters will be less important. For everyone, these relationships are innate or fixed by role identification. So we have formed our own differences in the emotional expression of these relationships. In this regard, the famous sociologist Fei Xiaotong called it "equal love", which means that there are feelings from role identity between parents, husband and wife, and brothers and sisters. This is what Mr. Liang Shuming called "due affection". Different relationships have different ethical norms and different emotional types. In addition, in addition to the role of identity, when two people communicate constantly in daily life, they will form gratitude and resentment, as well as likes and dislikes of a person. For example, when we admire our father, we will admire him because of his personality. In addition to a child's respect for his father, there is also an evaluation that transcends blood relationship. This is "true love". Generally speaking, in family life, because family members are not only closely related by blood, but also close friends, they get along with each other day and night, and at the same time have the closest due affection and the purest true feelings. Men and women who were originally not related by blood and were "not a family" entered a family because of love, which was mainly driven by "true love". Marriage brings not only husband and wife relations, but also a series of family relations. The bride is caught in a network and needs to be dealt with in all aspects. The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is one of the more important relationships. As for the daughter-in-law, she seldom contacts with her in-laws before marriage, so she has a real affection for her husband, but only for her in-laws and other members of her in-laws. Due affection is just an emotion defined according to the role, such as fatherly love and filial piety, brotherhood and fraternal respect in traditional ethics. Because this obligation is only an obligation, it is easy to be insincere or perfunctory. The daughter-in-law will think that there is no friendship between us. You didn't raise me. Because I am married, I will take care of you in every possible way. I haven't had time to honor my parents. I'm glad to be able to do this now. My mother-in-law will think that you are a family when you come in and out of my house. You should be like a daughter-in-law! One side emphasizes the true feelings, while the other side emphasizes the deserved feelings, and both sides are not satisfied. When mother-in-law and daughter-in-law confuse the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, they will gradually become dissatisfied because the other party can't meet their expectations. However, the daughter-in-law who complains about her mother-in-law or the mother-in-law who complains about her daughter-in-law often ignores the phenomenon that the relationship between their mother and daughter must be better than that between their mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. People who are regarded by their daughter-in-law as "evil mothers-in-law" are fond of their daughters. In the eyes of daughters, "mother" and "maiden" are irreplaceable emotional harbors. On the other hand, a daughter-in-law who is considered ungrateful by her mother-in-law always misses and cares for her mother. When a mother-in-law sees her daughter-in-law marry her son and walk into her home, she will instinctively form an expectation that her daughter-in-law should treat herself like her daughter and son. But daughter-in-law often can't do this, just because of the lack of "true love". Daughter-in-law changed the name of her mother-in-law to "mom" after marriage, and instinctively compared her mother-in-law's behavior with her own mother, forming the expectation that her mother-in-law should be like her mother. When the two sides confuse the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, they often have dissatisfaction because the other side can't meet their expectations. After the discontent appears, both mother-in-law and daughter-in-law will have a kind of attribution bias, that is, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law will never become a mother-daughter relationship. A mother-in-law said, "No matter how nice you are to her, she will never be your daughter." Daughter-in-law is more likely to say, "Which daughter-in-law is raised by her mother-in-law? How can she treat me as well as her daughter! " They don't know how to look at each other's emotions and personalities through their mother-daughter relationship and understand each other's true feelings. If true feelings are exchanged for true feelings, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law will certainly become a new emotional pillar of family relations, just like the relationship between mother and daughter. "Separation" is becoming more and more common, and the position of the husband-wife axis in the social structure is rising, but the father-son axis still has an important position. In the traditional society, after a woman marries her husband, it is already a basin of spilled water for her family. Change the name, or keep only the maiden name, and become "Wang Lishi" or "Zhang Liushi", or add the husband's surname in front of the name, and become a supporting role in the axis of the husband and son. Mother's family is no longer her home, and it is restricted to reveal the true feelings of her parents' retirement, and her husband's family is not her home, so it is not easy to reveal the true feelings to strangers. Therefore, the daughter-in-law is in a humble position, and it will take decades to become her mother-in-law, and her husband's family will eventually be her own. Modern urban youth generally do not live with their parents after marriage, and it is more and more common for rural youth to live alone after marriage. In this way, the married daughter-in-law has three homes with different meanings-maiden, in-law and maiden. My family is based on husband and wife, and it is true love, not blood relationship, that maintains the relationship between husband and wife. The husband's family is her husband's maiden, and her maiden is her own. Some married women always put family first, parents second and husbands third. Some married men put family first, mother's family second and wife's family third. This is the root of some marital conflicts. The reason why many couples quarrel is often "If your mother is a mother, isn't my mother a mother?" Please arrange the order in the same order as yourself. This reflects that in today's social changes, although the status of the husband-wife axis in the family has risen, the father-son axis still has a very important value position in us. In real life, we see two ways to coordinate the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. One is that if the husband and wife have deep feelings, the wife will regard her husband's maiden as her own and her husband's parents as her own; The same is true for husbands, who regard their in-laws as their parents and their in-laws as their family. The other is that if the husband and wife have deep feelings, they should respect each other's value recognition of their parents and families, experience each other's deep feelings for their father and son, and consider and handle things from each other's standpoint. Although these two ideas are somewhat different, they can better coordinate the contradiction between husband and wife caused by the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. The patriarchal tradition leads to the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. The traditional "patrilineal" system in China society strengthens the importance of having a son. Because for a daughter-in-law, to consolidate her position in her husband's family, she has to have children for her husband's family. Only in this way can she continue the incense of her husband's family and provide the main sacrificial staff when her ancestors worship. But if you can't have children, you may divorce or live together. Under this heavy pressure, on the way from young daughter-in-law to mother-in-law, his son became his truest emotional sustenance and the most important life support. However, this kind of mother-child relationship, which is strengthened by the restriction of cultural structure, not only causes the absolute bias of mother-in-law to her son, but also causes fatal injury to the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. (1) Don't compete with your mother-in-law for a husband. The chances of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law falling into the water together are not high. No matter how much your husband loves you, you can't replace her mother. Don't make such a low-level mistake. (2) Don't be too close to your husband in front of your mother-in-law. "Marrying a daughter-in-law and forgetting her mother" is the biggest heart disease of all mother-in-law. The more your husband loves you, the stronger your mother-in-law's sense of loss and jealousy may be. (3) Don't boss your husband around in front of your mother-in-law. Mother-in-law is pregnant with her son who grew up in October. Why did she become your free labor force and the boss around her? Never tell your husband what to do in front of her mother-in-law, or even beat and scold her. (4) Don't say "your mother" in front of your husband. Even if your mother-in-law doesn't treat you as her own daughter, she will be unhappy when she hears you call you "your mother" behind your back. Please change it to "our mother" quickly. (5) Don't quarrel with your mother-in-law. "Traveling around the world with reason" is absolutely difficult to move within the family. There is no need to judge right and wrong between black and white, and there is no need to compete for high and low. It's no use talking, saliva is better than raising teeth. Why are mother-in-law and daughter-in-law difficult to get along with? 2 Feng Shui 1 affecting the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Avoid pools in the southwest. In feng shui, the mother-in-law is Kun, that is, southwest orientation. When this position appears as a topic, the mother-in-law classics will be more difficult to read! For example, there is a pool in the southwest, which indicates the reversal of the status of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law Daughter-in-law is bitter, and mother-in-law is in a weak position for a long time. Such a disparity in status will make the daughter-in-law more rude and the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law more irreconcilable. As the husband of the sandwich cake, it is estimated that he is also in a dilemma. He is reluctant to blame his daughter-in-law and cannot bear the injustice of his old mother. Consider trying to put a crystal ball under the pool as an improvement. Second, avoid the southwest window. It is also located in the southwest. If the window is placed in this place, it is not conducive to the development of the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law Windows are places where air leaks and rain leaks. Opening a window in this respect means that the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is empty and it is easy to lead to irreconcilable contradictions. If the whole window is facing this direction, it is also helpless. If you want to resolve it, you can consider placing a small stone scene near the window sill to ease the contradiction between the two sides. Third, avoid being pressed by the corner of the bed. It's still aiming southwest. If this place is suppressed by the corner of the bed, it shows that the status of the mother-in-law has been severely suppressed. On the contrary, it will lead to a sharp increase in the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, especially in the southwest, which happens to be the bedroom, which is more prone to this problem. If you want to ease the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, you might as well consider putting a soft carpet under the bed or moving the bed directly. Fourth, avoid building a sundry room. It is not suitable to set up a sundry room in the southwest, otherwise it will trigger a "world war" between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. As we all know, the utility room is a place to store sundries, and the things in it are easy to be confused, suggesting that the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law cannot be reconciled. Similarly, the bathroom that accumulates bad luck should not be located in the southwest of the living room. If this pattern is sloppy, it must be kept clean and tidy. In the bathroom, you can also put a crystal ball under the pool to improve it. Kitchen feng shui regulates the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. 1. The sharp corners and sharp corners of beams and columns are called "poison arrows" in geomantic science, which will radiate Shaqi. Use furniture and bonsai to dissolve the corners, and avoid sitting under the beams. If it is really unavoidable, you can hang two bamboo rafts on the beams with red ropes. The bamboo rafts are facing each other at a 45-degree angle, with their mouths facing downwards, which can relieve the sense of suffocation. Another method is to install elevation lighting to directly illuminate the roof beam. Second, the yin and yang harmony of the kitchen feng shui will arrange the restaurant into a space with a balance of yin and yang, but slightly sunny. In order to increase the sun's spirit, it is best not to put yin-qi items such as ancestor portraits or furniture in restaurants. Too much yin is harmful to family fortune. On the other hand, the sun be the spirit over the event caused family disharmony. Third, the kitchen decoration family's energy comes from food, and food comes from the kitchen, so the kitchen has a great relationship with the family's fortune. Fourth, the kitchen pattern From the perspective of Feng Shui, the requirements of the living room need to be correct. Whether it is living room, bedroom or kitchen, the pattern should be positive first, and there should be no protrusions or missing corners. It is best to have a regular shape (such as rectangle and square). The location of the kitchen The dining room should be located between the living room and the kitchen, in the center of the house. This layout can enhance the harmony between parents and children. The restaurant should not be located directly below the toilet on the next floor, because the good luck of the restaurant will be suppressed.