In June 2020, 8-year-old Xinbao left.
According to the custom in my hometown, children who died young cannot be buried and relatives cannot visit them.
Otherwise, it is difficult for children to take care of their children as soon as possible.
However, no one can understand how cruel this custom is to a mother.
In the past six months, not a day has passed without me wishing that I could have a good sleep and reunite with Xinbao in my dream.
Unfortunately, I never dreamed about her.
That day, I read an article in Xiao Nian, "After I lost my independence, I thought my marriage with my husband was over, and my daughter saved us in heaven".
After Xinbao left, I cried so impudently for the first time.
After crying, I decided to tell the story of Xinbao.
Although she has only lived in this world for eight years.
But she's always here. She's really nice.
02
On the morning of 20 13, 1, 16, Xinbao was born. She is a lovely little girl with pink graffiti.
Her birth finally let me know why my daughter is my parents' little cotton-padded jacket.
I will always remember the feeling of holding her in my arms for the first time, small and soft, which can make people melt away.
However, the freshness and joy of being a parent for the first time have not faded, and the four-month-old new treasure began to vomit.
I have been to countless hospitals inside and outside the province, and the conclusions given are very consistent: methylmalonic acidemia.
This is a lifelong disease that can only be prolonged through long-term treatment, but it cannot be cured.
More unfortunately, Xinbao was diagnosed as simplex type, and it is uncertain whether B 12 is effective.
From then on, she took B 12 once every two days and took medicine three times a day. She must eat special milk and is not allowed to eat fish, eggs, milk and beans.
The enlightenment of other people's children is flowers and trees, picture books and friends.
Xinbao deals with L-carnitine, acidosis, B 12 and other medical names every day.
"Hello, Li Huanying" said: My daughter, it's good to be healthy and happy.
But we knew from the day Xinbao was diagnosed that health was really an unattainable luxury for her.
Therefore, we can only race against time to make her happy.
03
After the birth of Xinbao, I never went out to work again.
Dad Xin supported the whole family by himself. In order to give his daughter the best medicine, he took jobs everywhere and was regarded as "greedy" by others.
In the words of her mother-in-law, Xin's father trotted all the way to the inpatient department to pay the fee.
I know this feeling, because we open our eyes every day and are depriving our daughter of a life with God.
Therefore, we should not be slow or slack.
The new father always laughs and laughs in front of my daughter and me, and is optimistic about everything.
He said: "Other people's daughters have to worry about whether they study well or not. The person they will marry in the future is reliable or not. My daughter will be with us all her life. I will support her for a lifetime and never let her suffer any injustice. "
Yes, compared with our daughter, other hardships in life are insignificant in our eyes.
Because of the new treasure, we all simplified our requirements for happiness.
If she is healthy, it will be sunny.
04
Optimism is contagious.
With Xin Dad's hard work outside, I can devote myself to Xin Bao.
My parents-in-law and sister-in-law never hurt her less because she is an unhealthy baby.
Especially when others say sympathetically, "Alas, the whole family has suffered from such a child", they will gently reply, "The new treasure is the joy of our whole family."
Before Xinbao, we would quarrel over some trivial things.
However, with a special child like Xinbao, the whole family has become unprecedented unity and mutual understanding.
Except for life and death, the rest are really small things.
Because of Xinbao, we all know how to cherish our family, just as my mother-in-law said, "Xinbao is our family's 502."
Others said that Xinbao had come to collect debts. Sister-in-law immediately turned her face and shouted, "Our Xinbao has come to pay debts."
05
Because we need a special diet, every meal of Xinbao is different from ours, so we should eat less and eat more.
We should not only control the intake of protein, but also ensure the calories.
Because fish, eggs, milk and beans can't be eaten, what she can eat is really extremely limited.
Therefore, we can only pay attention to the appearance of food, put a heart shape today and make it look like a cartoon tomorrow.
I may have known from an early age that I was different from other children.
Therefore, Xinbao learned very early that when he saw other children eating snacks, he turned his head.
06
I remember once, I held her by the French window of KFC, and a child and his mother were eating hamburgers, French fries and drinking coke.
Xinbao turned to me and said, "Mom, look at a lot of cars in the street ..."
At that moment, I really wanted to cry.
As a mother, I really don't want her to be so sensible and beyond her age.
I'd rather she turned around a little.
I brought her into this world, but there is so much delicious food and so much happiness that she can't enjoy it.
There are too many taboos and shackles in her life.
So, I hope she can live a little recklessly in front of me.
However, she didn't.
07
Because of repeated acidosis, taking medicine and injections is a common practice in Xinbao.
But she never made any noise, and obediently asked the nurse aunt to stick a needle.
She has pinholes in her little hands and ass.
I put those pinholes on her with a hot towel, and she would say to me, "Mom, I really don't hurt."
Later, I learned to give her an injection by myself. Even if it hurts, she never cries.
Seeing that I was so nervous that my forehead was covered with sweat, she wiped my sweat with her little hand and hugged me again: "Mom, come on."
Watching her endure not to cry, my heart has been flooded with tears.
Yes, there is a kind of pain, called we are afraid of each other's pain.
The feeling of mother-daughter connection is so painful and warm that it always exists in the sharp position of the heart.
08
Because of the growth retardation caused by illness, Xinbao prolonged his growth process.
The happiness she brought me has also become longer.
She couldn't climb or stand until she was three years old. I call myself mother kangaroo with a smile.
Because wherever I go, the new treasure will hang on me.
We realized that even I could count how many eyelashes she had.
We realized that we could sense something was wrong with her through a little change in her body speed.
I miss those days when we really lived together!
09
At that time, the first thing I woke up every morning was to touch the new treasure sleeping on my left.
One morning when I was three, I didn't touch it.
I was awakened and sat up.
Then I saw the new treasure on my right side.
She stared at me with a smug look on her face.
I was surprised at that time and asked her, "Baby, how did you get to mom's right?"
She danced her little hands and feet and climbed back from my right to my left.
My new treasure can finally climb.
The ecstasy is beyond words.
On that day, our whole family was as happy as a holiday.
This is the happiness that Xinbao brings us with her strong optimism and cuteness.
That joy is better than countless people.
10
20 17 years, I was pregnant again.
The idea of keeping this child is actually selfish.
My father and I may not be able to accompany Xinbao for life, so we hope to have a brother or sister for her and take care of Xinbao for us after a hundred years.
I remember the day my brother was born, Xinbao was waiting outside the delivery room.
No one can persuade her to go.
It seems that Xinbao and I have been separated for so long for the first time in my life.
At 4: 55 in the morning, after I gave birth to my younger brother, the child was taken out first.
When I was pushed out, Xinbao hugged me and cried. She kept shouting "Mom, Mom ..."
It seems that if I don't call my mother, my mother will be taken away.
At that moment, I cried myself.
I asked myself: Is it wrong for me to have a brother or sister for Xinbao? Does she think her mother doesn't love her anymore?
If I can, I don't want any anxiety and fear in my heart.
1 1
Three days later, I was discharged from the hospital.
Xinbao has been following me everywhere.
She was so scared that she kept wetting her pants and kept asking me to hug her.
She broke my heart like that.
Therefore, I will not allow her to have any unhappiness and insecurity.
Even the next month, I cooked every meal for her myself.
As long as she wants me to hold her, I will hold her in my arms.
Even if I want to hold my brother, I will ask Xinbao for permission.
Occasionally, we feel unfair to our younger brother.
However, fate has given my brother a healthy body, which is God's love for him.
Therefore, the balance in our hearts can't help but tilt to Xinbao.
Xinbao is such a kind and naive child. She accepted her brother completely three months after he was born.
Give her something delicious and interesting, and she will give it to her brother first.
After her brother could climb, she followed her, fearing that he would hit her.
Sometimes when my brother is asleep, she just sits by and looks at him. Occasionally, she will look up and say to me, "Mom, I feel that I love my brother very much."
At this time, I feel that I am the happiest mother in the world.
Although my baby is sick, he is seven years old and his intellectual development is still at the stage of four or five years old.
However, she is so simple and kind that I can't help but think that my daughter is an angel on earth.
She deserves all the love and beauty in the world.
12
Speaking of which, we are really biased.
My brother hasn't had a birthday since he was born.
However, every year Xinbao's birthday is a big event for our family.
Grandparents' sense of ceremony is really strict and demanding.
Be sure to steam steamed buns, bathe Xinbao with love the water, wear new clothes, take birthday photos and eat longevity noodles, so that the baby is not unhappy at all …
Every year, when watching Xinbao close his eyes and make a wish for the special cake made by her sister-in-law, our whole family has the same wish: May our Xinbao live a long life.
In each of us, we are actually silently carrying out a long and silent farewell, and we are silently guarding a miracle.
It's just that we don't say anything
Protect our little princess in our own way.
13
In May 2020, Xinbao began to suffer from repeated acidosis, which could not be corrected.
At that time, during the epidemic, the clinic closed and the hospital closed, so I had to bite the bullet and give her an intravenous drip.
During that time, Xinbao was tortured, and the hearts of our whole family exploded.
Acidosis could not be corrected, so I began to discuss liver transplantation with my doctor.
Despite the doctor's kind reminder, liver transplantation can not completely cure Xinbao's illness, but only prolong her life.
However, we have made up our minds.
At that time, the choice was maternal liver transplantation, and part of my liver was used to extend Xinbao's life.
I think very clearly that as long as Xinbao is still there, let alone a liver, I will not hesitate to kill me.
14
However, June 20th, 2020 is the most ordinary day.
I stayed with Xinbao in the hospital during the day and my sister-in-law came to take my class at night.
When the shift was over that day, Xinbao said to me, "Mom, come and see me tomorrow morning."
I kissed her on the forehead and said, "Mom knows."
But I didn't know that the next morning, on my way to the hospital, my new treasure left me.
When I got to the hospital, she had stopped breathing.
When I held her in my arms, she was as soft as when she was born eight years ago.
It was midsummer, but I was shivering with cold.
I lost the softest and most intimate little cotton-padded jacket in my life.
15
After Xinbao leaves, I hope to dream about her.
However, not once.
I don't know if Xinbao blames me for not being with her at the last moment of her life.
I have regretted it more than once in my heart: if time can go back, my mother must go back to 2020, back to that summer, back to my daughter and hug her.
16
Xinbao left, and a part of my body followed her.
I secretly left her clothes, bike and toys.
The smell left on it makes me feel that my new treasure is still there.
I really can't help thinking about her, and I don't want to add pain to my family.
So, I just want to find the hardest and most tiring job to help myself.
So, I asked my mother-in-law to help take care of my son and ran to the express station to work, busy from morning till night every day.
I thought people would be numb when they were extremely tired.
However, when I came home from work and my son rushed to call my mother, I couldn't help crying.
How I wish a soft waxy figure came to me and called me "mom"
I finally know what traveling means. My mother will spend her whole life.
17
202 1 1 16 is Xinbao's first birthday.
However, according to Mr. Feng Shui's instructions, we can't celebrate the child's birthday or visit her burial place.
I asked him why.
He said that this is to let the children take care of another family as soon as possible.
Hearing this sentence, I completely collapsed.
Although I don't know if there really is an afterlife.
But if there is, I must still be Xinbao's mother and Xinbao must still be my daughter.
The fate of our mother and daughter is less than eight years, which is far from enough.
18
That day, I saw a poem written by an 8-year-old boy on the Internet called "Pick Mom".
You asked me what I was doing before I was born
I replied that I picked my mother in the sky.
see you again
I think you are very good.
Want to be your son
I think I may not be so lucky.
Don't consider sth
The next morning.
I'm already in your belly. ...
I also shared this poem with my new father.
We cried our eyes out.
He said that if there is an afterlife, I hope Xinbao can choose us as her parents.
Yes, Xinbao, did you hear that?
In this life, mom and dad don't love you enough.
We promise you that we will work very hard to make ourselves stronger and better.
When I am calm in the future, I will also show my brother a family photo to let him know that he was once a child taken care of by his sister.
Every year on your birthday, we will continue to pray for you and celebrate for you.
So, if you can, please choose me as your mother and come to our home, ok?
PS: Share this story with friends. I will gather praise and pray to light the way home in the afterlife for the new treasure in heaven. Thank you!
Xinbao, shall we renew our mutual affection in the next life?