Border consciousness refers to:
In fact, the sense of boundaries is the sense of territory. This sense of territory is very similar to animals' declaration of territory: they all have a certain territorial scope and have always maintained it, and they are not allowed to infringe, otherwise the infringers will be attacked and so on. -the so-called "my site is my master."
"My site is my master" and power generally intersect. Because power can basically control the scope of borders, borders are often tied to power. When our own power is relatively large, we are likely to ignore the boundaries of others. For most of us, to establish a clear sense of boundaries, we should not only know how big our territory is, but also know where the boundaries of others are.
At this point, Mr. Wu mentioned his first experience of going abroad to Poland and Russia. He saw that there was no fence in the countryside of Poland, and the distance between the two farmers was very large; In the north of our country, it is the opposite phenomenon: your house is taller than mine, blocking the feng shui of my home, and so on, which often leads to disputes and even breaking the law. High walls (even as high as houses) are often set up in rural areas in north-central China, and some even build houses with the top and three sides surrounded like bunkers to set the boundaries.
There are enough boundaries between farmers in Poland, but there are no walls; The rural areas in the north of China are very close to each other, but they set their own boundaries and even want to surpass others. The author mentioned that living in Guangzhou in recent years, he found that the Pearl River Delta is the ugliest town in China. This way of building houses can also reflect the characteristics of interpersonal relationships in China. We can't set boundaries clearly, so we try to set boundaries in other parts. There is also a typical case: the rural areas in Switzerland are scattered on the hillside one by one, and the boundaries are also clear.
Boundaries in the sense of boundaries have three meanings, namely the following three boundaries:
First, the geographical boundaries: that is, the territorial consciousness mentioned above. The word "geography" here is different from geography in science. The identification of geographical boundaries here means more that a person can clearly tell the outside world or others that things are my own and have nothing to do with you. In other words, others have no right to interfere in everything in your territory, including all kinds of things and articles with you as the main body.
For example, the scope of the house+yard of each household in rural areas is generally the site of this family by default. Without the unity of the owner, other people are generally not suitable to enter. Talking about this matter, Mr. Wu mentioned a case he knew: an American citizen shot and killed one of the students after failing to ask foreign students to leave his family at the carnival. In the end, the American was innocent at the trial.
In other words, it is not illegal for Americans to shoot people who refuse to leave home in some States. Of course, this involves different legal norms of American States and the federal government. There may be many other factors. Besides these, what Mr. Wu wants to emphasize is that the "territory" of a family is still so important. Shouldn't a person have a very clear sense of territory?
Physiological boundaries: As the name implies, physiological boundaries refer more to the physical boundaries between people. The scope of this boundary is already very small here-as small as the surface layer of human skin. But it is often ignored by most people because of its small scope. Neglect here doesn't mean that you don't feel anything when others touch your body. Of course, under normal circumstances, don't touch other people's bodies at will. This is basic common sense. On some special occasions, such as an acquaintance's dinner, someone may touch your body after saying a few words at the dinner. At this time, the meaning behind him is probably: this is my field, and I have the final say here. It can be seen that body language sometimes involves a subtle power field.
Neglect mentioned above means that most of us may ignore the fact that our borders have been violated, but our bodies do not lie, but express it in various ways. There is a special word in psychology, somatization.
When we can't express the discomfort of our boundaries being violated through emotions, psychology and thinking, we will choose to express it through the body-although we may not realize it. Because I didn't realize that I had to say it, I couldn't say it, and I couldn't express it with my own body.
Here's an example given by Teacher Wu: When I was very young, I always heard complaints and complaints from my family, but because I didn't know that my sense of boundaries was vague at that time, I didn't even know that my "territory" had been violated, and I didn't take the initiative to say that I didn't want to hear it. Therefore, the expression of body makes Mr. Wu's hearing not very good to resist this "territorial invasion" from the outside world.
In other words, when your boundaries are violated and you can't clearly put forward where the boundaries are, your body, vision, ears, skin and so on may have problems. If you can't set boundaries, then physical problems are basically related to connections, such as the five senses. Therefore, we must have a clear sense of boundaries, so that we can treat our bodies well from one aspect.
ⅲ psychological boundary: generally refers to the sense of privacy. When your seven aunts and eight aunts keep talking about your lifelong events, and you also say your own thoughts, you have no boundaries seriously. People with unclear psychological boundaries often have such a characteristic: when you ask, they will say that they can't wait to tell you all about their lives. Duan Yu in Jin Yong's novels is a typical representative.
The psychological boundary is vague, that is, psychologically defenseless, and sometimes the parties have a tendency to expose themselves excessively. In fact, it is because they are in fear, afraid of not being understood by the outside world and afraid of losing contact with the outside world. If you want to know more, you can study related psychological works.
If you want to have a good sense of boundaries, you only need to establish clear boundaries in geography, otherwise physical and psychological problems may occur. As China people, it is difficult for us to say no to many things. But here, Mr. Wu has three words for us to help us establish a clear geographical boundary without hurting harmony.
I don't want to, I don't want to, I just don't want to be influenced by you like this. To establish your own sense of boundaries, you should start by learning to say "no". However, it should be noted that the things we can say "no" must be within our "territory", and we must understand that this refusal must be made on our own initiative, not because of the influence of others.
The psychological relationship between life and death refers to: ① My business is your business. Your business is my business. Everything is what we have. Border awareness emphasizes that we should agree on the same thing and we should abide by this agreement. At other times, I don't need to make an agreement with you or listen to you, and you don't need to listen to me. In a * * * relationship, everything is an agreement between two people and always abides by it. But two people may play different roles in the relationship.
When introducing himself and talking about his life experience, Mr. Wu Zhihong mentioned that in fact, because he has lived in a family of * * * for a long time, his consciousness of * * * is stronger than that of boundaries. It can even be said that in most cases, we don't realize this at all. We have lived with others for a long time.
The "muddleheaded" of China's ancient muddleheaded philosophy actually reflects a * * * relationship from the side. The parties don't want to know clearly where the boundary between themselves and others is, so they can only play dumb and paralyze themselves. And what we often say is "more real", which is used to describe that someone has a clear sense of boundaries.
The essence of * * * relationship is actually exploitation. Confused philosophy may confuse your head, make you dizzy, and then use your various interests to make you feel reasonable.
According to psychologists, 1-6 months is a normal growth period; A * * * born six months later can actually be called a "morbid * * * birth". Six months ago, the baby was too weak to get food and warmth by himself and had to rely on his mother's help. Some mothers may think that the baby has swallowed herself at this stage. Because they just keep asking their mother for nutrition at this time, and they can't do without their mother at all. But this is the normal state of a lactating woman.
6-36 months belongs to the separation period, and the baby's individual consciousness begins to awaken, and he is separated from his mother psychologically and physically. In the process of the baby's growth, the mother should let the baby know that the world doesn't run according to its ideas, and it can't always use the mother mercilessly, that is, guide the baby to get rid of sexual relations gradually.
In fact, the birth of two people does not mean that two people or two lives just live together and cannot be separated, but that two people will build a new self in this process. This new self will not take half of the personality characteristics, quality and morality of two people, but will be biased towards one side. In this way, because one party occupies a strong position in the new self and the other party is directly in a weak or even zero position, "* * * strangulation" appears. * * * Strangulation means that one side has the upper hand and the other side "strangulation".
Under normal circumstances, the relationship between * * * students actually conforms to the "mother-infant" model, or one party is the virgin and the other is the giant baby. Sometimes one party is the exploiter, one party is the exploited, one party is the controlled, and the other party is forced to obey.
In order to help us better establish a sense of boundaries, Mr. Wu gave the following six methods:
When we express, we can clearly realize where our boundaries are. We can't and shouldn't express anger and hostility at the same time, but we should be firm, firm and powerful, especially when communicating with our relatives. You are resolute and decisive without any hostility, and it is easy for the other party to realize that you have accidentally violated your own border, and you know exactly where your border is. Then he will respect you and give in politely.
In this regard, Mr. Wu Zhihong gave an example. He persuaded his mother to accept his marriage, made her own decision and stopped forcing marriage. At that time, Mr. Wu Zhihong was a graduate student in the Department of Psychology of Peking University. He prepared many arguments in advance and met his mother frankly. He laid out the facts and reasons for a few days and finally moved her. Then until now, Mr. Wu, 43, who is unmarried and childless, still lives according to his inner thoughts (without his mother's "interference" in marriage). But the key is that Mr. Wu's mother can listen to reason. Luo Pang also talked about how he was always scolded by his father when he was a child, but once the same order came, he said decisively, "Me! Don't! Hey! " Then dad Luo had to say helplessly, well, when you grow up, it will be gone in our house in the future.
In the relationship between life and death, one must be a colony and one must be a suzerain. That is, the relationship between one party being in power and one party being ruled. This law is probably based on all kinds of small things in our lives, so we can start from small things. For example, we can express it by eating, drinking, sleeping and so on: I have made up my mind, and I will never obey you? The meaning of. Often, resistance in trivial matters is the beginning of defeating each other's psychological defense. Another thing to note is that we must resolutely express our determination.
Teacher Wu mentioned an example here. A woman resolutely refused to eat dinner after returning home, and clearly told her family that she would not eat any more, thus effectively defending her boundaries. Later, her family didn't have to wait until she came back for dinner, because she worked overtime. This can also be directly applied to college life. For example, if your roommate is playing games too loudly and it bothers you, you can directly and explicitly tell him to turn it down. If you mind your roommate taking your things without permission, explain your thoughts to him later.
When we communicate and express, there are usually two kinds of words: facts and emotions. Effective communication is usually based on facts and less emotion. In the face of those who violate our geographical boundaries, we should pay attention to respecting the facts mentioned in his words, and sometimes it is even necessary to tell them again (if the facts he said really exist and are correct); And the emotions he expressed can be completely ignored. Of course, this also requires skill.
An example mentioned by Teacher Wu Zhihong here is that an employee (secretary) replied to the boss's words, "Your salary in one year's work is not as much as what I earn in one day" (maybe the boss is really stupid enough to say such a thing), "You are right, I may not earn as much money as you in one month, but I don't envy your hard work every day!" This is a typical example of respecting the fact that the boss said (the salary of the boss is indeed many times higher than that of the employees) and being able to simply and resolutely reject the boss's emotions (arrogance and complacency).
Many girls in China will "cry, make trouble and hang themselves" and torture their boyfriends in various ways. Of course, including some elders, they will adopt the same method for the younger generation. They all make things very complicated. In fact, the root and core lies in that they just want to control each other and let them do whatever they want. Many women in China want a 24-year-old boyfriend and a 24-year-old husband. Their complexity is in pursuit of mutual control.
At this time, we just need to throw out a sentence: don't you just want me to do what you want by making things so serious and complicated? For the safety of the majority of male compatriots, just think about it in your heart. But you want me to listen to you completely? No way! I'm alone. Why should I listen to you? I can only listen to you, according to you? Why don't you do as I say?
When a person violates your boundaries, if you don't vent your anger and anger, and you don't go back, you may get sick. A famous person once said that we must learn to express aggression. Be sure to let others know that I am not your tool and object. By making you (can be psychological &; Pain, let me tell you that I am a unique individual with my own boundaries. When a person can control you and get some benefits from it, why not? A man does this because he can. The state establishes national boundaries through fighting; Sometimes, people have to let others know the boundaries through the pain of "bleeding". Besides, "pain" is a direct way.
Learn to express your boundaries decisively and without malice, and give a clear warning to those who have not stepped into your "boundaries" and are coming in: this road is impassable. Sometimes these complex problems can even be directly realized through some small changes. For example, if the relationship between parents and wives is difficult to coordinate, don't invite parents home easily. China people love buying a house so much that they want to have their own life. You have the final say in life, starting with establishing clear geographical boundaries.
China people are not used to formal communication to finalize various contracts, but informal communication. Sometimes formal things, using informal communication channels, are often very effective. For example, if you meet by chance and talk to your boss about a raise, you may have a better chance of winning; Another example is the relaxation zone of the golf course. Many people hold business talks and often get good results.
On the other hand, sometimes we can use formal communication scenes for informal communication, and sometimes it will get twice the result with half the effort when other methods fail. For example, Luo Pang mentioned that his cleaning aunts often neglect their work unintentionally. After Luo Pang had a formal meeting with them, this phenomenon was obviously improved. Because the scene of formal communication often makes the other party feel that this matter should be taken seriously formally, and it may actually be done later.
In fact, everyone has a boundary in their hearts. You communicate with others in a formal way and reach a formal agreement. Then, people will respect you when they understand. Occasionally, you can communicate formally with some people (referring to informal content) and make clear where the boundary is, otherwise the other party may keep trying and eventually cross the border. One thing to note is that you have to digest your emotions before you can communicate normally.
& gt& gt& gt Gege (product manager) Supplementary contents:
Each of us lacks the right to speak in life (even if it is completely our own life). The problem lies with ourselves. We should explore inward and truly master ourselves by knowing ourselves. Here are three ways to make you aware of your subconscious.
1. Think about a sentence you often say, which may contain your own fable of life.
2. Ask what others often say. If it's not what you think, then you probably have another self.
Imagine your epitaph in advance, if you don't live in this world tomorrow. ...
The purpose and goal of border awareness is to let you have a life that you have the final say, but understanding what border awareness is is only the beginning, and it is important to practice it constantly in your life.
Written in the back: Teacher Wu Zhihong's explanation of the border consciousness and the relationship between life and death reminds me of some of my past experiences-whether the border was violated or I took the initiative to violate other people's borders without knowing it. I was really too young and ignorant before. Gratitude is necessary, but I also think it only provides a unique perspective to examine the relationship between myself and the world, others and my heart, and let me observe the relationship between the past and the present from another different angle.
Psychology can provide people with a unique perspective of going deep into the heart, which is the most valuable and worthy of our in-depth discussion. Interested friends can find some books and works related to Mr. Wu Zhihong for systematic reading, which can also be extended to the whole knowledge system of psychology. I believe you will benefit a lot. To borrow an opening sentence: pay tribute to lifelong learners.