Guangxiao Mansion - Ming Dynasty - Feng Menglong
Knocking on the table and toasting
Before a person treats guests, he privately says to the servant: "Don't pour the wine casually, listen to me knock it You just toast once to the table."
This was heard by a guest. During the dinner, the guest deliberately asked: "How old is your father?"
The host replied: "73 years old."
The guest knocked on the table and said, "How rare!" The servant heard the table knock and immediately toasted the guest.
After a while, the guest asked again: "How long will you live?"
The host replied: "He is 84 years old."
The guest knocked again The table said: "It's even more rare!" The servant came to toast again.
When the host realized that he had been cheated, he loudly said to the guest: "Don't care whether he is 73 or 84, you have drunk enough!"
The dispute over words and feet
The feet said to the mouth: "There is no one in the world who is more greedy than you. I have worked hard and earned everything, but you have eaten it
."
The mouth replied: "Stop fighting, I won't eat, and you don't want to run around, how about it?"
Animal Dao Hao
Dang Taiwei is very stupid. Once, someone wrote to me and said: "Occasionally, he comes and lends me a horse's feet."
The Taiwei was surprised and said: "I only have two legs. If I lend them to him, how can I walk?"
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The subordinate told him: "What the letter said was asking you to borrow a horse. Junzu is just an honorific."
The Taiwei laughed and said: "The world is different now. It turns out that this kind of beast is There is also a Taoist title."
Just talking
When a general is selected in the capital, people gather around to comment.
A Shandong man said: "These warriors are not very tall. There is a giant in my hometown who can stand with his head on the roof beams and his feet on the ground."
A Shanxi man said: "There is a giant in my hometown who can hold his head on the roof beams while sitting on the ground."
A Shaanxi man said: "These are not surprising. There is a giant in my hometown who can touch his upper lips when he speaks. The roof beam, the lower lip can rest on the ground."
Someone nearby retorted: "According to you, where does this giant stand?"
The Shaanxi people replied: "No matter what. That’s all. Let’s just talk nonsense for now!”
Changing shifts
Both father and son are stubborn and unwilling to let others go. One day, his father held a banquet to entertain guests and asked his son to go to the city to buy meat. The son came back from buying meat and was about to leave the city gate when he met a man walking towards him. Neither of them wanted to give in, so they both stood there nose to nose, face to face, for a long time.
The father was impatient and came out to look for his son. Seeing this attitude, he said to his son: "For the time being, you can take the meat home and eat with the guests. Let me confront him here."
Running on six legs
There was a police officer who walked very fast. His superiors sent an urgent message, fearing that he would cause trouble if he walked too slowly, so he was given a horse. The officer drove his horse to follow it.
Someone asked him: "Why don't you ride a horse for such an urgent official matter?"
The answer was: "Isn't running on 6 legs much faster than running on 4 legs?" !”
It’s hard to learn good things
A man said to his son: “Everything you say and do must learn from what the teacher does.” The son agreed.
One day, my son had dinner with his teacher. He eats as the teacher eats, drinks as the teacher drinks, and turns around as the teacher turns around. The teacher looked at the students' imitation and laughed secretly. He smiled and sneezed.
The student also wanted to sneeze, but couldn't. Having no choice but to bow deeply to the teacher, he said guiltily: "It's really difficult to learn the wonderful things of the teacher!"
Go straight and run amok
A criminal arrives to serve There, the supervising officer wanted to extort money from him and deliberately made him walk in front. The criminal obeyed the order and walked in front. The officer scolded: "If you go like this, I will become your follower."
He also asked the criminal to come behind him for protection. The criminal obeyed the order and walked behind. The officer He scolded again: "If you go like this, I will open the way for you.
"
The criminal was at a loss and had to kneel down and ask for advice: "How should I go?" "The officer said: "If you give me some money every month, I can go as far as I want, it's up to you! ”
It’s better to hire Qiu Chan
There was a rich man who treated his servants very meanly and never let them have enough food and clothing.
One day, he was in the garden While drinking and chanting poems, the cicadas were chirping on the trees. The servant deliberately asked: "Sir, what is that on the tree?" "
The master replied impatiently: "You don't understand? Autumn cicada! ”
Ask: “What do autumn cicadas eat?” ”
Answered: “Eat the wind and drink the dew.” "
Ask again: "Does Qiu Chan want to wear clothes? ”
Answer: “No need!”
The servant said: "Well, let Qiu Chan serve the master, it will save money than hiring us!" "
Selling corpses for money
A rich man has been ill for a long time. Just because he regards money as his life, he refuses to seek medical advice and take medicine. He is about to die. On his deathbed, He said to his wife: "I have tried every means to save money throughout my life, and it was not easy to save this little money. After I die, I can sell my skin to the cobbler, my meat to the butcher, and my ashes to the lacquer shop. You have to remember this." After saying that, he closed his eyes and passed away. Suddenly, he opened his eyes slightly and spoke with Using his last strength, he said intermittently: "Now, people nowadays can't be trusted. You must not pay on credit. You must--have to pay in cash! "
Afraid of Eunuch Wang
There was a eunuch named Wang Zhi in the Ming Dynasty who was very powerful. Everyone below the emperor was afraid of him.
One day , the emperor watched the play. After the actor finished the play, he dressed up as a drunkard and wandered around in the street, cursing some high officials in the court.
Others warned him: "Don't act recklessly. A certain prince has come, a certain pavilion master has come. "
The actor ignored him and continued to curse. Someone shouted: "Eunuch Wang is here! "
As soon as he shouted the true spirit, the actor immediately knelt on the ground in fear and murmured: "In this world, I only know Eunuch Wang, and I am not afraid of anyone else." ”
Short fish in the well
The shop owner always cooks fish every time he entertains guests, but only the head and tail are visible, and there is rarely any meat in the middle.
< p>The customer asked: "Shopkeeper, where do you get your fish?" "The owner replied: "They are all raised in the pond. "
The guest said: "I'm afraid it was raised in the well. Otherwise, why would this fish be so short? ”
Ignorant of calligraphy etiquette
There was a mediocre scholar in the seaside. Because of his family affairs, he complained to the county magistrate and pretended to be a Confucian disciple. The magistrate saw that his etiquette was very poor, so he He scolded, "Since you are a disciple of Confucianism, why don't you know the etiquette? "
The man said: "I grew up on the seaside, how could I not even recognize "carp"? Carp has the Big Dipper and is taboo for those who believe in Taoism. "
The county magistrate said: "I talked about the etiquette in the book, but who asked you about carp! "Angrily, he wanted to whip the scholar.
The scholar recognized "book" as "whisker" and hurriedly defended: "My lord, I made a mistake. The fish with whiskers is a catfish, not a carp! "
Poetry and ridicule
A certain scholar taught a certain boss's children, but his boss treated him very poorly. He immediately wrote a poem and ridiculed: "I am here this year. I am sorry. He must look for a big tree to die, the host family is as poor as a louse, and the students are all as lazy as snakes. Thin porridge is served as rice for three meals, and clear soup from four seasons is used as refreshments. If you teach your children to make progress in this way, the whole village will become officials. ”
The boss ridiculed him and said: “I am the one who asked for a teacher this year. Reciting poems is like speaking a child’s mouth. The saying is that painting a tiger turns into a dog, and a child turns into a dragon and turns into a snake.” Ignorant of astronomy and geography, and only greedy for a glass of wine and a cup of tea, such a person also behaves wrongly and misses many homes. ”
Ignorance
A certain person invited a private school teacher to a banquet. The gentleman kept drinking heavily. The host’s wife became anxious and informed the waiter that he deliberately tilted his head in front of the guests. He took the wine bottle to show that the wine was gone, and asked him to stop drinking. The private school teacher was in a state of drunkenness, and he didn't realize that the host's wife was impatient and shouted loudly in the inner room: "Hurry up and ask me to stop drinking." Sir, I don’t even know the side of the bottle (close to Ping and Oblique). "
Lazy Learning in Four Seasons
In the old days, someone wrote a poem to ridicule lazy scholars. Unexpectedly, the poem spread immediately and has been passed down to this day. The poem said: "Spring outing is not On a reading day, it’s a good time to sleep in the hot summer, but it’s desolate and uninteresting in autumn, so it’s better to spend your remaining years laughing. ”
Mr. Tofu
A certain boss was very rich but very stingy. He used tofu to feed the teacher three meals a day, and he did not change his behavior all year round.
When the husband was about to expire, he wrote "Linjiang Immortal" as a farewell gift to each other: "There are countless fat chickens, countless fat geese, and even more countless fat sheep. How can I survive this bad time when my eyes are full and my belly is hungry?" Tofu in the middle of the day, tofu in the afternoon, and tofu in the evening. If you want to invite me next year, you have to go to Pu'an. The poem: "Laughing Lord's eyes are so strange, he asked who is Zili standing next to him? The sun shines through the window lattice to pick up marbles, and the moon moves the shadow of flowers to collect firewood. I hurt my nose because of looking at the painting wall, and pinched my eyebrows to lock the book box. More ordinary Where you laugh, blowing a lamp burns the skin of your lips."
Good beard and bad beard
Some people mocked beards and said: "The Analects of Confucius is all about beards." "Hu" (the pronunciation of "Hu" is similar to "Hu"), "Not a gentleman", these three are "not loyal to others, not trustworthy when making friends", "not a gentleman". , these three are bad Hu; 'Junzi's Hu, Se Zhuang', these two Hu, one is good and the other is bad."
Someone asked: "'Shi Hu'. How to explain it?"
The scoffer laughed and said: "The beard on top is the same as the beard on the bottom."
Hell will punish you
Someone will die. When he came back to life, he said: "When I entered the underworld, I saw the King of Hell interrogating the Ji family and said: 'In a certain year, the Qi people invaded, but you only sent ten thousand people to respond, and they were outnumbered, causing harm to people; and in a certain year, there was a famine, and you did not open the granary, and the people were hungry. Countless people died, and your care was very poor. Floods and droughts occurred many times, and many people suffered. You should be sentenced to prison. King Yama immediately sent the kid to Abi Hell." After hearing this, Mr. Wuyou sighed: "What if. If such a sentence is imposed, then there will be more hells in the underworld!"
Others are ventilating
When someone is sick, the doctor feels his pulse and says: "Take my medicine. There will be a sound in the abdomen first, and then the stool will be smooth, and at least you can pass some farts." Not long after he finished speaking, he suddenly heard the sound of farts, and the doctor became proud and said, "How about that? That's good, right?"
The patient told him: "My younger brother did it."
The doctor's pride was wiped out, and he could only hesitate and say: "That's fine! That's fine!" ”
Opened a drug store
A man went out and returned home after many years. His wife had given birth to three sons.
The husband was wondering how his wife could get pregnant without him, but the wife spoke first: "You have been away for many years, which made me think about you day and night, and I thought about you so much that I gave birth to three sons. So I gave their names very meaningfully: the eldest son is called Yuanzhi, because he wants you to be far away; the second son is called Danggui, because he wants you to come back; the younger one is called Fenxiang, because he wants you to come back home. "< /p>
The husband smiled bitterly and said: "If I stay as a foreigner for a few more years, I will be able to open a new medicine shop at home."
Quack doctor buries child
A certain quack doctor The death of a certain family's child is regarded as a confession and the family agrees to help bury the deceased. So the dead child was put into the extra large sleeve tube. The master was afraid that he would deceive him, so he sent his servant to follow him.
While walking to the center of the bridge, the quack doctor suddenly raised his right hand and threw a dead child into the river. The servant asked angrily: "Why did you throw my child away?"
The quack doctor said: "No. !” Then he raised his left sleeve and told the servant: “Your family is here!” Call in the doctor. When the doctor saw the elegant interior decoration, he thought it was a women's boudoir. The monk slept weakly on the bed, while the doctor sat down in front of the bed and took his pulse across the curtain.
After a while, the doctor diagnosed: "This disease is irregular menstruation. It is a common prenatal and postpartum disease. It is not a serious matter. The medicine can cure the disease
."
The monk hurriedly sat up, opened the curtain, and smiled at the doctor. The doctor simply couldn't stand down.
Notes on good prescriptions
A certain quack doctor has a mediocre medical skill, but he has a habit of writing down a good prescription whenever he hears or sees it.
Once, I saw a group of robbers on the way, so I hid in the woods and took a peek. After a while, a person came over. The robbers rushed out, took away the property, stripped off the clothes, and killed the person. The person who was killed happened to suffer from intestinal gas. After his head was cut off, the gas also disappeared.
As if he had discovered a secret, the quack doctor took out the pen and paper from his arms and wrote: "The doctor has a prescription based on experience."
Deaf doctor
A doctor with a bad ear came to see a doctor. The patient asked: "Can lotus seeds be eaten?"
The doctor replied: "Gluten is not allowed.
"
The patient asked emphatically: "Where is the lotus meat? "
The doctor said: "Eat less cured meat. "
The patient became impatient and said, "Sir, your ears are deaf. ”
The doctor replied: “If the buttocks are red, we must prevent them from developing horizontal wounds.” "
Invite the God from the Far Away
A very stingy man wanted to seek blessings from God, so he called a Taoist priest to invite God. The Taoist priest invited the "Two Capitals Shinto" for him. "
The host asked: "Why are you invited so far away?
The Taoist priest said: "The gods know your temper, can you invite me?" "
The mountain god takes the pot
There is a Feng Shui master who chooses burial places for wealthy families. He coaxed the wealthy family and said: "Open a tomb on a certain day of a certain month. If you see a grave on that day, If you wear an iron pot on your head and go to the place where the tomb is opened, it means that the land I have chosen for you is a treasure. ”
After that, Mr. Feng Shui secretly made an agreement with a person to wear an iron pot to a certain place on a certain day in a certain month. As promised, the person came to the burial ground with an iron pot on his head and faced the person who was opening the tomb. Said: "A few days ago, Mr. Feng Shui asked me to carry an iron pot here today. I wonder where the iron pot will be placed?" "
The Tomb of Lu Shen
Two stupid gentlemen met on the road and started chatting. There happened to be the tomb of Lu Shen beside the road. One of them hurriedly bowed down and said: "This is Zeng Shen's tomb, let me pay my respects. "
Another looked carefully and said, "Isn't this obviously Cao Shen's tomb? "The two servants started to argue, and finally got into a fight. Later, they reported it to Wang Tuiguan. Wang Tuiguan sent someone to investigate and found out that this was the tomb of Lu Shen, so they beat two people with 20 pieces each and expelled them from the hall.
The two of them were very angry, so their friends came to make peace and held a banquet at Yudui Palace to invite them to attend. When they arrived on time, they hurriedly saw that the plaque above the gate read "Yudui Palace". He ran away and said: "This is Wang Tuiguan's house, how dare you mess with him again?" ”
The Admonition of Yongwu
Mr. Chongxu is usually good at preaching and always encourages good and punishes evil. There is a person in the family who likes to blame others and is fond of small profits. Mr. Chongxu gave him a mirror. With a ruler, Jing said in a poem: "I have never seen the dirt on my own face. I can only distinguish the ugliness and beauty of others; I can clearly distinguish between long and short. I have never measured myself in this life." "
A few days later, the gentleman sent another fish to the profit-seeking man. The last two sentences of the warning were: "You can't get rid of the fragrant bait once you swallow it. When you are full, it is not as good as when you are hungry." "
Ending with the word "人"
Three people were having a drink. One of them gave an order, starting with the word "相" and ending with the word "人", and first gave the order: " We know each other all over the world, how many people can we know well? "
The second person said: "If we don't drink empty wine when we meet again, the peach blossoms at the entrance of the cave will also smile. "
The third person said: "There is a Li Huzi in Xiangyang. "
The person who issued the order asked the third person: "I issued the order requiring the word "人" at the end, but you don't comply? "
The man asked back: "Isn't Li Huzi a human? "
Wine bottles with caps
Wei Yuanfu was a Taibao (an official who assisted the monarch). He was astute and discerning. He liked wine, but he was short and bald. Emperor Wen of Zhou liked to spend time with him very much. Together.
Once, Emperor Wen of Zhou placed 10 bottles of wine with caps on them, and then led Wei Yuanfu in to see Wei Yuanfu's embarrassment. He smiled and said, "How could my brothers be so rude and break into the king's residence without permission? You can't go back home early! "After saying that, he returned with a drink in his arms.
Seeing how clever he was, Emperor Wen of Zhou clapped his hands and laughed.
Judging a cow from a goose
Two farmers raised buffaloes. Once, there was a fight between bulls, and one bull was killed. The case was brought to the government. The county magistrate said: "If two bulls touch each other, one will die; the dead will eat together, and the living will farm together." "
There was another goose farmer. The goose ate the rice that his neighbor was drying and was beaten to death. The goose owner sued the neighbor. The official concluded the case: "The goose has a beak like a shuttle and does not eat much grain; the goose owner pays for the grain. , the owner of the valley compensates the goose. ”
Mistakenly giving the drinking order
During the banquet, someone gave the order first: “Spring rain is like ointment.”
Another person suspected that “paste” was "Cake", said: "Xia Yu is like steamed buns. The third one mistook "Xia Yu" for "Xia Yu" and said: "King Wen of Zhou is like a big cake." "
This dog eats chaff
There was a lazy man who was very poor. One morning, he had nothing to eat, so he had to eat chaff and went out. He met an acquaintance on the boat and shouted When he ate, he pretended to be good and said: "When I got up in the morning, I ate dog meat. I'm still not hungry yet. If I don't want to eat, I'll have a drink if I have wine." "So he got on the boat and drank to his heart's content. He got drunk and vomited.
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Sex is afraid of steamed buns
A servant was extremely hungry and followed his master to the city. When he saw a steamed bun seller in the market, he pretended to scream and fell to the ground. The master was surprised and asked why, and the master said: "I have always been afraid of steamed buns, so I fainted."
After returning home, the master wanted to watch the comedy about the master being afraid of steamed buns again, so he put it in the empty room A dozen steamed buns, and then locked the servant in. After a long time, he didn't hear the servant shouting, so he gently opened the door and went in. He saw that more than half of the buns had been eaten, and the master asked.
The servant smiled and said: "I don't know why, but today I am suddenly not afraid of steamed buns."
The master angrily shouted: "Is there anything else you are afraid of?"
The servant said: "No, I only need two bowls of strong tea now."
Chopping firewood with two axes
Someone became ill due to excessive drinking and sex. The doctor warned him: "If you keep doing this, you will be like chopping firewood with two axes, and you will die soon." After listening to the man's wife, he glanced at the doctor sideways. The doctor saw her dissatisfaction and changed his words: "Even if you can't quit sex, you still have to quit drinking. This wine is the most harmful to people."
The patient said: "Sex is more harmful than alcohol, so we should quit smoking first." The wife stopped her husband and said : "If you don't listen to the teacher, how can you get better?"
Growing leeks
A certain family had guests, and while they were having dinner, they occasionally talked about the medicinal uses of vegetables. The guest said: "Luffa is weak and is yin, so it is not as strong as leeks."
After a while, the host called his wife to propose a toast, but when no one was seen, he asked her, "Where is your mother?"
The son replied: "Mom went to the vegetable garden to pull out cucumbers and plant leeks."
Ode to the Poem of Thin Porridge
Someone interestingly chanted "Poetry to the Thin Porridge": "Half the Pot A cup of clear rice made me sad before it reached my mouth. The chopsticks were inserted in the east and turned west, and then the spoon was lifted out of the kitchen. The moon was shining in the courtyard at night, and the beauty was clearly visible. Inside."
Old sow's pork
Someone used old sow's pork as a gift. The owner sang a poem and mocked: "Yesterday, I received your favor and the whole family had a great time. Three loads of firewood were burned and two were boiled. The pot is dry. The flesh is like a new boot sole, and the leather is like an old saddle. The teeth are thirty-six, and they are all unsafe."
Poems about mocking nuns
Someone wrote: "At five o'clock, the bell rang and the temple door opened. The former son-in-law resigned and the latter son-in-law came. The Buddhist hall was used as a guest reception hall, and the bell tower was inscribed as a watchtower platform. Last year, there was a pregnancy in the prison, and this year Tanlang gave birth again. It is not this garden Ten acres wide, where can I bury an illegitimate child at four o'clock?"
Eat three bowls of water
A certain man went to participate in the selection of officials. He met a beautiful woman fetching water on the road, and he fell in love with her and didn't want to leave. He went there and deliberately came forward to ask for a drink of water. Then he asked the servant Xing'er to drink water two or three times, stalling for time, and reluctantly left for a long time.
A year later, the scholars had not forgotten the beauty, so they went with Xing'er to the place where they saw the beauty. Unexpectedly, the beauty had contracted the disease and died. The scholar was very sad and wrote a poem to express his condolences: "On this day last year, in this door, people's faces and peach blossoms reflected each other's red. I don't know where the people's faces have gone, but the peach blossoms still smile in the spring breeze."
The servant also thought about last year's events and chanted Said: "On this day last year, people and peach blossoms complement each other beautifully in this door; if there is a beautiful woman here this year, I will drink three bowls of water if I am happy."
Let me talk big first.
When someone saw the load of meat being carried, he shouted: "Bring the meat."
The meat seller asked: "Officer, how many kilograms do you need?"
The man said loudly: "For people like us, what's the weight? Just weigh this leg."
After weighing the butcher, he said: "My lord, this leg weighs 9 pounds 4 "Two."
The man said: "Okay, you can cut off 4 taels for me and keep the rest for yourself!"
Praise for yourself
The scorpion boasted to mosquitoes and flies: "I have the most courageous character. No one will be stung by me when others touch me. Which hero can be like me?"
The fly also boasted about himself. : "I never like to talk about heroes and cowardice. When people have good food and wine, I have to eat first. Who has more food than me?"
The mosquitoes avoided their words and boasted: "My behavior is unique, and no one can compare with me. Every time I see a beautiful woman with a fragrant boudoir, I lean on them. There is a poem that says: 'The gauze kitchen is as cold as water when soaked in the moon, and you can sleep on your arms covered with pearls.'
’ Who can surpass my happiness? "
After hearing this, the scorpion and the fly became jealous and said, "You don't have any clothes yet, so you are so charming." "
Be loyal and filial
When someone takes a concubine, he goes to ask the husband to name the concubine. The husband said: "It is best to name the concubine 'filial daughter'.
This man later contracted tuberculosis due to excessive indulgence. The fortune teller said to him: "You can take another concubine to be happy, and the disease will be cured." "The man listened and asked his husband to name his new concubine. The husband named him "Zhongnu".
This man had many wives and concubines, and his sexual indulgence became even more severe. Finally, he became critically ill. He called his husband over. , asked about the meaning of the name.
The teacher told him: "There is a clear explanation in the book. Haven't you heard that 'filial piety means doing one's best' and 'loyalty means one's life'?" ”
The King of Heaven and the Earth
A certain wealthy businessman visited a brothel. Within a year, he had spent all his money and was expelled from the brothel. The wealthy businessman wanted to hang himself to death, but the prostitute, fearing that her life would be implicated, let him live in the brothel. In the brothel, some food and wine were given to him every day.
Soon, a new customer came to the brothel, and the prostitute asked her: "Who do you give food and wine to every meal?" ah? "
The prostitute said: "There is a god in my home called 'King of Heaven', and I sacrifice to him every day. "
The guest sneaked into the room and looked around. He saw a man like a god sitting in the tent. The guest quickly knelt down to pray. The wealthy merchant in the tent asked the guest: "How much capital did you bring?" ”
Answer: “5,000 strings.” "
The giant merchant smiled and said: "I originally had 10,000 strings, but now that I have used them all, I will be called the King of Heaven. You only have 5,000 strings. If you use them all, you will have to become the King of Earth. "
Greetings to the bride
A certain family's son was old and his parents did not allow him to get married. The son sighed sadly and deliberately said to his parents: "My feet are very cold when I sleep alone. His parents taught him to wrap his feet with hot stones and said, "This is the same as marrying your wife and sleeping with him." "The son had no choice but to obey. After midnight, the stones gradually became cold. The son picked up the stones and threw them at the door of the room where his parents were sleeping. With a bang, the parents woke up and asked why they were making the noise. The son said: " Open the door, the bride is here to say hello! ”
Accidentally kidnapped the aunt
There were two families, a man and a woman, who were arranged by the matchmaker to get married. The man was poor and the woman was rich, and the man’s family was afraid of long nights and dreams, so they chose a day to kidnap the bride, get married and run away without her. , and ended up snatching my sister-in-law by mistake.
The girl’s family came after her and shouted, “It’s a mistake! "
My aunt was so anxious that she said on her back: "Don't listen to him, it's not bad, it's not bad!" Run! Run! "
I also want to recruit a younger brother
A pregnant woman was in labor and was in severe pain. She swore to her husband: "I would rather be childless than raise any more children." "
The husband said: "I will definitely obey my order. ”
After a while, a daughter was born. The couple discussed giving their daughter a name, but after thinking for a long time they still couldn’t come up with a satisfactory name.
The wife said: “Let’s call it recruiting brothers! ”
Just making fun
A certain daughter-in-law was afraid of her mother-in-law. Later, when her mother-in-law died, she saw her mother-in-law’s portrait hanging in front of the coffin. In order to relieve her old hatred, she clenched her fists and wanted to hit the portrait several times. Just when he was about to punch, the wind suddenly seemed to move. The wife was shocked, and she quickly shrank her hands and said, "I was just joking, I didn't mean anything!" ”
Nothing makes trouble
A Confucian scholar named Pan went to Beijing to take the exam. On the way, he went to a hotel to drink. The hostess of the hotel was named Lu. She was very beautiful. She came to see guests. He had a kind attitude and wrote a seventeen-character poem as a gift: "The scholar, whose real surname is Pan, should be selected to go to Chang'an, where he can ascend to a high position and become an official. "
The Confucian scholar replied: "My surname is Lu. She is a beautiful woman with flawless jade. I miss you and I want to spend the night with you in the cold window. ”
The shop girl treated her well but was maliciously insulted, so she went to the government to sue the Confucian scholar. She met an old man, who also wrote a seventeen-character poem and advised the woman not to sue the government again, which would save her troubles. The poem said: "Pan Lang and Lu Sao have nothing to do to cause trouble. It would be bad if they returned to the government.
”
He only knows cows and horses
A son-in-law is stupid and ignorant, and his wife always teaches him the words in advance before letting him go to his father-in-law’s house.
Once, the wife He repeatedly taught him: "There are two ancient paintings passed down from generation to generation in my family, Han Gan's horse at the ferry crossing with fragrant grass, and Dai Songniu on the green poplar embankment. "
After arriving at my father-in-law's house, my stupid son-in-law accidentally saw a painting, so he copied the words and praised the painting. My father-in-law thought to himself: This son-in-law is really good at painting.
Later, when my wife’s family wanted to buy “Eighteen Bachelor’s Paintings”, her father-in-law hurriedly called her son-in-law to identify it. When the stupid son-in-law saw the painting, he sighed:
“What an ancient painting! Fragrant! There are Han Gan horses on the grass crossing, and pine cows on the green poplar embankment."
The spectators laughed, and the father-in-law lost face and cursed: "You only know cows and horses, how can you know people!"< /p>
Go to heaven and sit down
A certain idiot son-in-law doesn’t understand worldly affairs. Every time he has a banquet at his wife’s house, he is always forced to take the seat by several other sons-in-law. His wife felt ashamed and told him to sit in a high seat at the next banquet.
One day, I went to my father-in-law’s house again. As she offered her drink, the wife squinted at her husband, signaling him to take the seat. The foolish son-in-law came to his senses, looked around and saw a ladder standing upright by the eaves of the door, so he climbed up half the ladder and sat down.
The other sons-in-law didn’t understand what he meant. His wife thought: This idiot has made a fool of himself, so she glared and told him to come down. Crazy son-in-law
No matter what, he protested loudly: "You can't ask me to go to heaven to sit down!"
Baojia Sanjing
Some people compare marriage to treasure Jia Sanjing said: "When a man wants to marry a wife but doesn't find one, it's like looking for a river or a well; when he gets married, he takes care of the busy housework, which is called carrying snow to fill a well; when the children grow up, when a man and a woman are married, there are financial gifts, dowries, and all kinds of When things are urgent, it is called jumping into a river or into a well.
Breaking a chamber pot
A man said to a friend: "My wife is always jealous. As long as I buy back a maid, she will do it." I couldn't tolerate it and continued to argue until after the sale. "
A friend said: "My bitch is even more powerful. Not to mention buying her back, she won't even let me take a look at her beautiful maid. ”
Another friend hurriedly followed up and said: “Both brothers, stop talking. Not only does my tigress not tolerate servants, but what’s even worse is that she doesn’t even allow me to buy a chamber pot. If I do, I will break it into pieces.” Fang rest. "
Not sure
A man was afraid of his wife. One day he was beaten by his wife, so he had no choice but to get under the bed. The wife shouted in front of the bed: "Come out quickly! "
The husband felt safe under the bed, so he became tough and said, "A man is a real man. If you can't tell, you can't tell." "
No one should escape
A few henpecked people got together and wanted to discuss a way to rectify their husbands without being afraid of their wives. Suddenly, someone shouted in horror: "Sisters-in-law have already I know, and we will call together! "Everyone was frightened and ran away. Only one person did not run away, but still sat in his original position.
Some people thought that he had become unafraid of his wife. When they got closer and took a closer look, it turned out that he was scared to death!
Brothers recognize the plaque
The three brothers were all suffering from myopia. One day they went to visit a guest and saw a plaque reading "Yi Qing Tang" hanging on the hall. The eldest brother asked the second brother: "Master." Are you sick? Why write "The Hall of Sperm"? "
The second brother said: "You are wrong. The master is fond of Taoism, so the inscription on the plaque is called 'Dao Qingtang'. "
The two argued endlessly, and finally asked the third brother to make a decision. The third brother stared at it for a long time and said, "Both brothers are wrong. Where did the plaque above come from!" "
It is better to seek for yourself
Someone asked the Buddha: "There are so many attendants around Guanyin, why do you have to carry the purification bottle yourself? ”
The Buddha replied teasingly: “It is better to ask for help from others than to ask for yourself!” ”
Little fish entertains guests
A master cooked two fishes, ate the big fish himself, but gave the small fish to the guests. Unfortunately, an eyeball of the big fish The fish fell on the plate for the guests, and the guests deliberately loudly said: "Whoever wants to find good fish species can take it home and put it in the pond to raise." The owner pretended to be polite and said: "This fish is too small and not worthy of being used as fingerlings." "
The guest said: "Although the fish is small, its eyes are very big! "
Need to find a job
A certain person was very vain. A fortune teller knew his hobby and came to see him. After running out of good words, he finally said: "This is all I need to do. A pair of big eyes can be used in a lifetime. "The master was so happy that he invited the fortune teller to stay for a few days, and he also gave him many things. The fortune teller said before leaving: "I have one more thing to say, you should remember: you have to find some work at the beginning, and you can't do it all. By these eyes. "
Complaining about skills
The carpenter said: "I skillfully use axes and chisels to build houses and furniture, which is a truly high skill. ”
The stonemason said: “What you carve is all wood, what’s the problem? What I carve is hard stone, can you compare?” I'm the one with the best skills.
"
The ironworker said: "To plan wood and carve stone, you have to use the tools I have hammered. Can you do it without my help? Don't fight for your leisure time. ”
Are you afraid of me?
The dialect spoken by Jiangnan people is very difficult for people in the capital to hear.
Once, a Jiangnan person went to the capital. While walking in a hurry in the city, I lost a handkerchief in my sleeve, so I searched for it along the street and asked, "Have you seen my handkerchief?" ”
Later I asked a rude soldier, who said angrily: “I have seen thousands of people, why am I afraid of you!” "
The word "鲊" is used with rice
There was a man who was very stingy. In order to save food, before every meal, he always wrote the word "鲊" on the empty plate and called "鲊" " and took another mouthful of rice.
The man's brother had a stutter and even said "鲊" when he said the word "鲊". The man was heartbroken after hearing this and said angrily: "You eat like this. Come on, don't choke, or you'll make me pay for your medicine again. "
The bride was sitting in a sedan chair
A bride was getting married, and the bottom of the sedan chair fell down halfway. The bearers were helpless and talked to each other: "The bride can't walk, so she has to take a sedan chair. If she goes back It's too long to get a new sedan. ”
The bride said: “You carry the sedan outside and I walk inside so no one can see it. Isn’t that enough?” ”
It’s time to hang me up
A man went to a hotel to drink. He was hanged up by a rude shopkeeper because he thought the wine in the hotel was sour.
There was a guest When I passed by and asked why, the shopkeeper said: "Obviously the wine in our shop is very good, but this person insists on being sour and ruining our reputation. Do you think we should be embarrassed?" "
After the customer tasted it, he frowned and said to the shopkeeper: "It's my turn to put this person down and hang me up." "
Look at the IOU
There was a rich man who was illiterate. When he was asking for a debt, he took out the IOU and pretended to read it.
The debtor smiled and said: "You Look upside down! "
The rich man was very embarrassed and covered it up: "I showed it to you! "
Three difficult years
When the new official took office, he asked his confidants: "What should the official do?" ”
The confidant said: “It needs to be clear in the first year, half-clear in the second year, and it can be cleared in the third year.” "
The new official sighed: "How can I survive until the third year! ”
Farewell Poems
A corrupt official plundered the local money. When he left office, he saw that there was nothing left to search, so he put the money there on a folding fan. All the farmland and landscapes were painted in.
The common people composed a limerick to see him off: "When he came, it was desolate, but when he left, it was prosperous, and all the official coins and people's wealth were wiped out; just because the mountains and rivers could not be moved, before he left. Write in the picture. "
The lotus root is as big as a boat
The host uses the lotus root tip to entertain guests, but leaves a large section in the kitchen. The guest smiled and said: "I often read poems: 'Taihua peak head jade well lotus, The lotus roots bloom like boats. ’ I used to doubt that there was no such big lotus root, but now I believe it. "
The master asked: "What is the reason for this? "
The guest replied: "The lotus root tips are here, but the lotus root heads are still in the kitchen. ”
No money to save
There was a man who was extremely stingy. One time when he went out, he encountered a swollen river. He was reluctant to spend money to take a ferry, so he risked his life to cross the river on foot. Who would have thought that When he reached the river, the water was deep and strong, and he was swept downstream for more than half a mile.
My son happened to see him on the bank. He was so anxious that he called for a boat to rescue him. The boatman asked for a penny. After the trip was over, the son was only willing to pay five cents. The two parties bargained for a long time and could not reach an agreement.
The father, who was dying in the river, looked at his son and shouted: "My son, my son, five cents." Save, not even a penny! ”
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