In my opinion, being a mother is another chance for life to grow. It's hard to understand how happy you are to eat without experiencing morning sickness; As a responsible mother, you will know that for the sake of children's stronger needs, when children can't eat, try to find food in various ways, learn to control their emotions, keep happy emotions, and make children feel safe and happy in their mothers' stomachs; I remember Eriksson's development theory mentioned that parents can acquire the quality of love during reproductive period, and now I really realize it.
Last night, I told Lun Lun that pregnancy was actually very hard all the way, from the confirmation of pregnancy, abdominal pain after implantation, early pregnancy reaction, the first B-ultrasound monitoring of fetal heart germ, sugar screening and abnormal screening, low back pain, constipation, insomnia, increasingly tired stomach, unforgettable pain when the child was born, and almost no time to sleep for three months before the child was born, including the education of the children behind. -"But I don't think I will be great, it's just my duty. I still need to learn a lot from you. I have learned to love you now, because you love me too. I learned to love my child, even though it is impossible for him to love me. This kind of love is selfless. I feel a little love for your parents these days, but maybe we don't have much time together, I can only love a little; I also hope that one day I can let go of my psychological sting on my father and really learn to accept my father completely; Then learn from you to really love more people, for nothing else, I just want to tell my children what love is. " . Perhaps, this is the reason why I have been very happy since I was pregnant, because I really have love in my heart for the first time.
From pregnancy to now, my mood has been very stable, including when morning sickness is particularly severe. In fact, many times, our mood changes are due to others, caring about others' opinions and quarreling with others. I read an article in Mama Gang to the effect that after having children, my mother learned skills that I couldn't afford to hide, for fear of hurting the children. Giving up is not weakness, but wisdom. No one can guarantee that everyone you know is the way you like. After quarreling with them, even if you win in the end, you are still unhappy. After pregnancy, I know that emotional instability or overreaction will affect my baby. So, I also learned the ability to avoid being ridiculed. People who meet excessive people or people who look at everything negatively are basically hacked.
I have always told you that the root of depression is psychology, not physiology. Therefore, everyone who knows me knows that I only took the medicine for one week during the whole depression process, and the rest was made by myself. Come out of depression, from going out to growing up, from growing up to having confidence in myself: I can cultivate a healthy and happy child.
I know that in this process, many people oppose my theory of psychological roots. A patient with depression once forwarded me an article by Max Zhang about the physiological root of depression, and then asked me, "You said it was psychological. Can you prove it? " I replied, "I don't charge others for treatment, and I don't think celebrities won't affect many people." I just look at it from my experience. So believe it or not. I wish you a speedy recovery. " Many psychologists think it is physiological or psychological. Finally, everyone needs to understand that no one can be responsible for your recovery except yourself.
As far as I'm concerned, tell me the specific reasons.
First: the influence of family background.
At noon today, I discussed "Born into a Family" with Maputo and Xiaomi. I said that I finally got rid of the influence of my family background and became an independent self. No longer guilty, no longer controlled by moral condemnation, emotionally and economically independent, so I achieved myself. Many people have analyzed it. Many children's shoes that have experienced depression have a controlling father or mother, or have intentionally or unintentionally compared you with your neighbors since childhood. Parents' love for us is also conditional love. Therefore, for a long time, in order to gain their love and escape the punishment of guilt and moral guilt, many times our choices were made for them. What we strive for is actually what they want. In the end, you can't be yourself, and then this division is getting bigger and bigger, and you are getting more and more painful.
Anyone who tries to get rid of the influence of his parents knows that it is difficult to get rid of it, and it takes a lot of courage to experience the guilt of not living according to his parents' wishes and the damn moral guilt. But if you can't get rid of it, you will always suffer. Only when you have the courage to get rid of it, do filial piety in the way you can, and make yourself happy without guilt or guilt. You can't change them, you can only accept them. I believe you can feel guilty. You can't be a truly unfilial child.
Second, you can't recognize yourself on the basis of your family background. What you want is not what you want.
I have seen many people with depression tell me that I don't want to do this. . . I am a very ambitious person. . . I used to be like this. Lun Lun once advised me: What kind of foundation you have, what kind of person you can only achieve. I, on the other hand, have always despised his family theory, thinking that I can change my destiny to a great extent, and I can make a brilliant career and become a great entrepreneur on the basis of my ancestral grave.
Lun Lun has analyzed for me that many people are successful, such as Bill Gates, Ma Hua Teng and Ma Yun far away, and some recent high-level colleagues have a good family economy and atmosphere. Among them, economy is less important, and mental health is more important than others. Therefore, the family-oriented theory is established. In fact, you really don't need to see too much success and chicken soup. In fact, successful people, including those famous and those around you, don't just watch. It is best to trace back to their parents' social status, economic conditions, cultural background, emotional management ability, interpersonal relationship and so on. Know more, and you will understand what I am talking about, family-oriented theory. In my opinion:
1), parents' social status and economic conditions: Let children have more social resources at least when they are born, at least much higher than a self-made person. This is why many people need to have a certain economic foundation before considering having children;
2) Parents' cultural background: Generally, parents have a high level of education and will learn automatically, which will also avoid many pits for their children during their growth. Therefore, a child with the same intellectual foundation, different parents, and a child without parents to avoid the pit for his child still needs to spend a lot of time walking through many pits in person before he begins to develop to a higher level;
3) Parents' emotional management ability: This is the most important point. I believe that people with depression who have really summed up the reasons and reflected will understand this: only physical and mental health is the foundation. A child who is physically and mentally healthy can bear more setbacks, instead of losing himself in the process of struggle to gain the approval of others like a child who lacks love. Why can some people suffer more setbacks and others can't? At least for me, I am not afraid of setbacks, but I am afraid of the punishment brought by setbacks-others don't agree, others feel incompetent. This is the root cause of fear of setbacks.
Therefore, a child whose material needs and emotional needs are met at the same time, plus his own efforts, has the earliest time to succeed; A child whose material needs are not met but whose emotional needs are met, together with his own efforts, has made a second achievement; We have seen many cases where a child's material needs have been met, but his emotional needs have not been met. What is the result? You can check the information. A child whose material needs and emotional needs are not met, you can also check the information about achievement time. Whether you can achieve something and whether what you have is worthy of your ambition can be measured by yourself. Talk about ambition, step by step, and lay a good foundation first. Happy progress is easier to achieve than breathless life goals.
Later, Lun Lun and I analyzed four kinds of efforts, of which the first three are very likely to succeed, and only the last one, which many depressed patients encounter, has a much smaller chance of success. That is to pursue for the approval of others, instead of having a firm ideal from an early age, or really knowing what you want, or trying to seize the opportunity. (There will be an article specifically analyzing this point of view later. If you are interested, you can pay attention to it. )
I don't know what kind of struggle you are, but I know that my previous ambition was only to pursue the approval of others. Now I know: I am content with what I have now; Recognize your abilities, advantages and disadvantages and what you really want; But don't lose the motivation to work hard.
Some time ago, my aunt, a civil servant living on the same floor, said to Lun Lun, "Actually, I admire you and your wife. I came to Guangzhou from scratch, and today. " Actually, it's true to think about it. With almost no financial support from our parents, we are about to own two suites, and now the first one has been paid off. Of course, I also know that there are better people than me. Some colleagues and friends have several luxury houses and luxury cars in Guangzhou. Before, I would compare, but now, I will see what we have more. Based on the analysis of the basic family theory, Lun Lun and I actually had a good life today. I recently made a plan for the next two years, and basically I can do it without embarrassing myself.
After pregnancy, the relationship with Lun Lun is much better than before. Lun Lun is a quiet and down-to-earth person who knows himself very well. He never sets his goals too high. However, I used to think that I didn't like to talk and be practical, and I always said why he didn't start a business and make more money. Lun Lun has been working in the telecom group since he came to Guangzhou, and he has hardly changed his job. According to his own words: "I am a child from the countryside, and I have tried my best to reach the height I can reach."
I remember once discussing Lun Lun's career in Group 3. I said that in fact, Lun Lun is also very good, and she can retire safely at work. Then someone said, but you can't make big money like this. In fact, at a certain stage, you will find that stability is better than anything else. In September, Lun Lun and I also analyzed many colleagues and friends around us and got along well. No one works badly, is not practical, and is not practical. One of my colleagues, who is now the general manager of a project in Wan Wei, Kunlun, has worked in the company for six or seven years. He is practical, hardworking and never arrogant, so Zhou Yahui (we call him Lao Zhou) appreciates him very much. To sum up: work can also have a good life, of course, provided that you are not so ambitious.
After knowing myself clearly, I feel that it is enough to work hard and live happily because I can't bear too much pressure and pain. Here, I hope everyone will stop associating stress with depression. There is no relationship between stress and depression. "I can't stand the pressure, and wanting more is the key to the problem." Of course, it doesn't mean that there is no pressure at all. Appropriate pressure can promote people's growth, but I think the pressure is best to refer to the nearest development zone, and you can reach it as soon as you reach out. Happy progress is easier to achieve goals than a breathless life.
So I am not what I used to be: how much I want to achieve something, how to get ahead, and how to look down on others. Some time ago, I read an article about depression and bipolar disorder, in which there was a passage to the effect that depression, because of being born in a family or lacking love in the process of growing up, thought that only people with high status could be respected by others, and of course there was a kind of hatred in the subconscious, so I lived in fantasy, hoping to achieve something one day and look down on others. This fantasy has no foundation, so once frustrated, it will completely collapse.
I don't know if you are like this, at least I admit it is. Because of this, I am easily complacent and arrogant because of some achievements; It is also easy to get depressed because of a little setback. Now, I can tolerate others' contempt, I can tolerate my own mistakes, and I can tolerate others not agreeing with me. No more arguing, no more arguing. Because these have no other function, the only function is to make you more and more unable to control your emotions, and emotional instability now affects not only yourself, but also your children.
When you know yourself, admit your problems, truly accept yourself (please note that it is true, acceptance can only be formed on the basis of understanding and recognition), and truly accept yourself, you can accept all kinds of people (not to mention making you understand or feel * * *, which is difficult), and people with various world views and values will no longer think about who they look down on, and you will no longer feel uncomfortable because others look down on you. Because, at this moment, you have a stable and solid self, an independent self, you understand and accept all your strengths and weaknesses, and you won't change your view of yourself because of others.
As I said before, I want to get ahead and look down on others. Now, especially when I am with Lun Lun, I have gradually discovered and realized the advantages of Lun Lun through observation and study. He taught me a lot, and I finally understood.
Some time ago, I said in the WeChat circle: I know that many people have experienced or are experiencing depression, but I know that there is one person who will not: Lun Lun. A responsible, loving, tolerant and intelligent man. Some people object, others agree. In the personality characteristics of Lun Lun, I only chose these four natural reasons. In the process of listening, I am slowly learning these advantages of Lun Lun. I have also analyzed these personality characteristics in detail why I won't get depression. Share an experience after a while: Why is Lun Lun not suffering from depression? Interested parties can pay attention to it.
Ok, let's talk about what I want at last. In fact, after struggling for so many years, I finally found that what I want is what Lun Lun has always told me: "My greatest wish is that the family is harmonious and happy." (In fact, the wisdom of Lun Lun can also be seen here). Every time I go to my mother-in-law's house, my father-in-law likes to drink, but there is a saying that I finally learned to agree with after many years. Every time he pointed to the cross stitch on the wall and told us that "home and everything are happy." . Just last night, I jokingly repeated my father-in-law's "home and everything" in Lun Lun's hometown dialect. ? This should be the only sentence that can be said in Lun Lun's hometown.
"Home is everything." This sentence was really verified by me. When I was with Lun Lun before, I only blamed him and never appreciated him. The whole family is also relatively strong, and Lun Lun doesn't like to argue, so he looks weak. (This is also wisdom. If Lun Lun argued with me, maybe we wouldn't be here today. Many of our world outlook, values and outlook on life are also inconsistent.
People who have studied psychology know:
No matter whether the woman is strong or the man is strong, a family is unbalanced and disharmonious. I have seen too many examples, such a family, it is difficult for children to be healthy;
In a family where parents disagree, children will be at a loss;
In a family with unstable parents, it is easy for children to feel insecure.
I have been telling Lun Lun that the baby is our lucky star and ta is happy. When we really learn to appreciate each other and agree with each other, ta came to us when I learned to control my emotions.
Therefore, a responsible parent should not let children step on the pit they have stepped on.
When I slowly learn to appreciate Lun Lun, I slowly find that I really love him more and more. A loving woman is actually very happy. Of course, everyone has been watching me "abuse dogs", and Lun Lun can naturally see it. Slowly he said: I really feel that you love me now, and I really feel very happy. Now, Lun Lun doesn't need me to rush him or blame him. His work is getting better and better. As I mentioned last time, he completed the kpi assessment of the company three times in advance in September (sometimes I find that kpi assessment is really a good thing, which makes one's efforts obvious to all. )。
I've been talking to Lun Lun about evolution recently. I think the evolution from my parents' generation to ours is a step forward, not a retrogression. As for the future development, as long as we don't set our goals too high, accept ourselves and work hard, the future results will not be too bad. As for brilliant success, I don't want to. Of course, we are also happy to realize it. It doesn't matter if we can't reach it, because our minimum goal is to continue to work hard like this. And our next generation, as long as they keep this way and then lay a good foundation for their physical and mental health, their children will not evolve too badly.
Now, we finally have our own children. When I was getting better and better, God also gave me the best gift. I also discussed the education of children with Lun Lun:
1, continue to maintain the harmony and stability of husband and wife's feelings. I will continue to maintain the current emotional stability and give my children the best financial support under appropriate pressure (enough is enough, do what you can). ), try your best to give your child the best emotional support (absolutely indispensable).
2. Strive for yourself to learn more, do more meaningful things, and influence children with your own behavior. Instead of asking children to do what they can't do, this is what you don't want. Don't show it to others.
3, we don't need children to win face for us, let them do what they like, and a happy life is enough. For the development of ta, we can only give proper guidance, and more is to give the choice to children. Happy people in the future are definitely not nerds or obedient children, but people who insist on doing what they like, so as to cultivate more children with craftsman spirit. )
Finally, I still want to thank depression, which makes me understand that physical and mental health is the most important thing in the process of children's growth and the foundation of a person's development; Depression made me understand that there are many pits in the education process of "Evil Descent", and I learned to prevent and avoid them in advance. This may be the difference between people:
Some people think of the recurrence of depression in everything they do, while others sum up the experience of failure and educate themselves to avoid recurrence.
Take this article to record my own growth.