2. Event: I remember in the diary I wrote on Thursday that I accidentally broke a bowl when I was a child (when I was 4 or 5 years old). In order to avoid being beaten, I disposed of broken porcelain and swept the food all over the floor. I ran out of the house on an empty stomach and pretended to be full with my friends. My mother called me, pretended not to hear, and avoided my mother. I thought my mother would stop blaming me when I finished eating. I took my mother to see where I hid the broken porcelain. When my mother saw those broken porcelain pieces, she slapped me hard on the back, so I chose not to trust my mother any more. I felt cheated by my mother and felt very sad. This mode of getting along with my mother also led me to close my heart to my mother.
? After reading the diary, Sister Yue Xin asked me to dig deeper. I was going to have a good comb on Friday and prepare for breakfast on Friday morning. I was going to take out the soup from the kitchen, and my second child broke a bowl. I hurried over to have a look, fearing that broken porcelain would cut her feet. She is barefoot. I picked her up and felt that she was a little scared. I hugged her to comfort her and gently said to her, "Bowl!" " She leaned her head on my shoulder and said "hmm". I gently stroked her back and she gradually relaxed. Then I pointed to the broken porcelain on the ground and said, "honey, look, the bowl is broken." We need to clean up. These broken porcelain pieces will stick to our feet, so we need to clean them before we can have breakfast. " Then Beibei and I cleaned the dining table carefully to make sure there were no sundries. Usually chopsticks are put on the table, and she will distribute them to everyone. This time, too. She wants to pick up the bowl for others. The bowl has just been washed (I will wash it again before meals), and there are still some drops of water on it. Maybe she'll slip when she picks it up. ).
? In the process of dealing with the broken bowl with the second child, I also saw that because of the same scene, I need my mother to treat me unconditionally. She didn't do this to me, so I don't think she loves me. I didn't blame Xiaoman for breaking several bowls when he was my sister's age. I did the same, but I didn't see Xiaoman's inner needs and didn't take into account that he needed me to appease him like this. I just think it's okay. I don't blame him. In the years when I brought up Xiaoman, I knew that I was mistreated as a child, so I didn't want to treat my children like they did to me. Although I don't like my parents in form, it is also a confrontation with my parents. I don't think they are qualified parents, but I must try my best to be a good mother. I think my mother didn't raise me well, which made me feel that I was not perfect in many places. I used to hope that Xiaoman was a girl (before he was born). If it is a girl, I will raise it carefully, but it doesn't matter if it turns out to be a boy. I don't go my parents' way. In order to be a good mother, I learn all kinds of parenting knowledge. In front of my career and children, I did not hesitate to choose a child, so that the child could openly confront his parents and other elders. At that time, I was like the little prince who raised roses in The Little Prince (covering the flowers with a glass cover to avoid injury). I didn't look back at the process of raising children all the way a few years ago, but mostly confronted my parents. They asked me to stay. No matter how hard and tired I am, I will leave my children with me. They snapped at me, so I would be happy. My mother didn't dress me up beautifully, so I wanted another daughter to fulfill my dream. If I have a daughter, I will not raise her like my parents, but train her from the inside out. Now I understand that I want a girl, partly to make up for my own shortcomings. I felt bad, so I pinned my hopes on my children. I want to love her well, and I don't want her to suffer like me. The truth is that I want to make up for my shortcomings with my children (my mother didn't raise me well)
3. Immediate response:
The bowl is broken. Be careful not to cut your hands and feet.
4, the feeling of the body at the moment:
Calm down, and the scene of my mother treating me comes to mind.
5. Internal dialogue:
Broken, broken, just a bowl, as long as the child is okay.
6. Inner feelings:
I also broke a bowl. If only my mother had been so gentle with me when I was a child. There is a trace of loss and regret. Why can't you be so gentle with me?
7. What emotional pain (emotional hook) was touched?
When I was a child (about 5 years old), I went to have lunch. I don't know if I'm too excited or too flustered. Before I started eating, I got a bowl of rice on the ground and it was broken. My mother just went to the kitchen and didn't see this scene. I was worried that my mother would blame me and hit me, so after cleaning the floor, I ran out of the house hungry and asked my friends to continue playing in the hot sun, pretending that I could fool my mother after eating. I was nervous when playing with others at that time. While I was playing, I paid attention to my mother, for fear that her mother would suddenly come and hit me. When my mother stood at the door and told me to go back for dinner, I ignored her and wanted to go home, but I was afraid. So I had to wander around the door and go over to see what my mother was doing and see if she had cooled down. Standing outside looking at home, I felt terrible at home. I felt that my mother would rush out at any time and catch me at home, so I fought with my family. At that time, I was nervous and scared, and I longed for my mother to forgive me. Don't blame me. Wandering around the door for half an afternoon, my mother said it wasn't my fault. I ran home happily. My mother left me food. After eating, I took my mother to see those broken porcelain pieces. As a result, I was slapped hard on the back. I think my mother lied to me. I trusted my mother so much that I thought she wouldn't blame me for letting go. As a result, I was beaten I no longer trust my mother and don't want to open my heart to her.
8. What restrictive beliefs do you find yourself?
Mom should be kind to me, understand me, support me, not blame me.
9. What is the truth and possibility you saw when you were present?
I think my mother is not good enough. I hope to have a perfect mother. My mother is not good, and I don't want to be like her. I will be an ideal good mother to fight against my own mother.
10. What are the adjustable reactions and options?
Mom is mom. She raised us that way. This is something I can't decide. I don't want to be like her, not to fight her, not to continue suffering, but to convey my love.
-I don't have to live in the ideal of being a good mother (hollowing myself out for the children and losing myself), I can be a real mother with flesh and blood.
-Really accompany the children and take care of yourself.
Cloudy on July 26, 2020