Now my sister-in-law's children are married, but they interfere in other people's lives every day. This is because my niece wanted to get a divorce a few days ago, which made the chicken fly and the dog jump.
Sister-in-law is not good to my two sisters. They are all afraid of her, afraid that she will be unhappy, afraid that she will not live with her eldest brother, and afraid that she will find my mother-in-law. She will pick on her mother-in-law when she is unhappy. For various reasons, my mother-in-law has been angry with her for decades, and my eldest brother has never dared to make any noise. Two days ago, she hit her niece for her niece. When the eldest brother told her about it, he slapped her.
But my sister-in-law is very nice to outsiders and speaks well. Our neighbors all know who she is and praise her from afar. I really don't know what she thinks. The more noisy her relatives are, the more afraid outsiders are, so I say this is a routine and typical.
I think this kind of person is used to it. She has never been out of the house to suffer, but she is jealous that others are better off than her. If she doesn't work hard, has a good attitude, has no good tutor, is uneducated and lacks knowledge, and doesn't dare to provoke them when dealing with outsiders, she only dares to cross the nest.
I've also suffered from some people's bad behavior to their families and good behavior to others before.
Ex-boyfriends are such people who can stab their families twice for friends, face and ridiculous cognition.
Once, he met a boxing coach, and after more than a month, he lent him thousands of dollars with my credit card, which has not been returned yet.
At that time, our situation was also very difficult. We added a fee and the pressure doubled. I was so angry with him that I cried. Finally, I had to wait until the agreed repayment date and let him urge his friend to repay.
When the repayment deadline came, his friend pushed from pillar to post and defaulted on the repayment with various excuses. My ex-boyfriend also helped him convince me to understand his friend's difficulties, and he could hardly afford the rent himself. Money is still like dirt, which makes me angry. ......
This incident made me thoroughly understand one sentence:
A capable person takes things outside home, because he knows that home is a safe haven to run, not a place to take away indefinitely.
Men who have no ability to give things from home to others have no other ability to attract because it is not easy for family members to completely break off relations and friends do not give them any benefits.
What kind of psychology are they?
Ex-boyfriend is a typical face-saving person.
I found that he has a special psychological cognition: he can leave a perfect image for new friends or friends he doesn't meet often with deliberate behavior and affirm himself.
I guess he recognizes the psychological first cause effect very much and spares no effort to apply it to interpersonal relationships.
I admit that he does have many advantages: he loves cleanliness, is good at cooking, is artistic, and is considerate when he is careful. ......
But he is indifferent to his family, because they know him very well, and he knows that no matter how much he does, his image in the hearts of his family has been fixed and can't satisfy his vanity.
Only among friends who are not familiar with him, his image is an absolute gold-lettered signboard, shining brightly.
But in my opinion, it's good. Most of them are fair-weather friends.
Escape from what? Evade one's responsibilities to the family.
Home is a place that needs time and energy to run. Everyone has different roles and responsibilities.
Ex-boyfriend doesn't want to spend this time and energy. At home, he spends 80% of his time holding a mobile phone, addicted to fantasy novel and unwilling to contribute patience and strength to the operation of his family.
How many people can completely ignore their children when they encounter setbacks, even if they have completely fallen out?
Because of the connivance of their families and everything they need, it is only natural that they ask too much of their families. They will think that no matter how good their attitude is, their home is there and they will never leave.
Family members should take care of all their needs.
It would be better to earn enough expenses without subsidizing things at home, but then again: you will make money. Everyone knows that money is hard to come by and you will never squander it.
Only those young masters who don't know the sufferings of the world think that the money bought at home is blown by the wind and need not be cherished.
Giving your own things to others is generous; Giving things from home to others can only be called profligacy.
A person who is not good to his family and good to others squanders money and his family's kindness to him.
Husband has nothing to say about being nice to others. He either scolds me or hits my children, and his salary never sticks at home. Eat me. Someone told me that he had several women outside, and he probably spent all his money on them, and one of them followed him. He forced me to divorce every day, and when I was thirty-six, I divorced as he wished. When the court asked about the two children, he immediately suggested that he didn't want any of them, and everything was his. The divorce was in August, and the preparations for the wedding included making furniture, and the wedding was held in late February of the same year/kloc-0. Then he found that his son and daughter were strangers. The daughter brought by the woman, as her own, is extremely precious. According to neighbors, he has paid his monthly salary and more than 5 thousand retirement salary since he got married. Scared to death of my wife. Others say that others don't want to do it, but they like to be ghosts. I don't want to be dear dad, but I like to be someone else's stepfather.
In my opinion, it is an immature psychology to be bad for your family and good for others.
A few years ago, I had this personality myself. Now that I have grown up, I feel that my family is the most important. It is better to be kind to others than to my family.
I used to have a good temper in front of outsiders, and I didn't care too much about what others said, because my family always taught me to be polite and sensible in front of others, so over time I have always been a sensible and clever daughter in the eyes of outsiders.
I remember once, other people's children joked about my family. Although I was a little upset at that time, I comforted myself unintentionally.
I don't care about that child. I can only think that it is because he is too young to understand, but when I went back that night, I lost my temper with my father. The fuse was that my father drank late that night.
I was in a bad mood, and it happened that my dad was drinking again, so I couldn't help losing my temper with my dad that night and said a lot of unpleasant things.
But after I calmed down, I felt guilty about my father again. At that time, I was wondering why I was upset by what outsiders said and why I lost my temper with my family.
Maybe it's my inner inferiority. I always want to be a good boy in front of outsiders, so that others will praise me and more people will like me.
And my father is a family member, always by my side, and I always feel that he will tolerate all my bad temper. But I forgot that my father is my closest relative, and he also has emotions.
When I lost my temper with him, I hurt not only him, but also our feelings.
Therefore, when I grow up, I will adjust my mood first every time I go home, don't bring my bad mood home, and talk to my father as gently as possible. Being kind to your family is the highest level of cultivation.
We always habitually think that our family will always be behind us, no matter how excessive, they will never leave us.
As everyone knows, repeated injuries will only push the family farther and farther.
In Everything is Fine, Su Ming's success is because he always brings bad feelings home, which leads to the breakdown of his marriage.
Although Su Mingcheng loves his wife very much, when his work is not smooth and he is upset, he will lose his mind, yell at his wife and even start work.
It is said that disappointment is accumulated again and again. Under Su Mingcheng's repeated venting, Lili finally filed for divorce and left him.
In our life, there are many people who are honest in Su Like. They are always extremely warm-hearted to outsiders, but impatient with their families, so they naturally take it out on their families.
Therefore, Su Ming's future achievements have to pay the price for his own actions. You will consume the love of your loved ones unscrupulously, leaving only scars on your feelings.
After all, there is a saying that the closer people are, the more difficult it is to heal.
The recent "Little Joy" just ended, and Liu Jing sucked countless powders in it. How many people want such a gentle mother and a considerate wife?
In the play, Ji Shengli at the beginning is not close to his son, and there are many contradictions. When Ji Shengli, who is used to being a leader, sees that his son is disobedient, he will only strike the table and lose his temper.
But Liu Jing is the lubricant between their father and son. Whenever her husband loses his temper, her tone is as gentle as a feather, soothing her husband's bad mood.
She is always tolerant and has a good temper. She is gentle and kind to outsiders, even whispering to her husband and children. She can control her emotions even when she is sick and uncomfortable.
A man with a temper like Liu Jing is not only mentally mature, but also has a long-term good upbringing.
It is an unforgettable education, which is not only natural and graceful in front of outsiders, but also gives more respect and care to the people you love.
Therefore, we should not only control our bad emotions and attack our family members, but also learn to resolve their bad emotions.
Home is our safe haven, and the people who live at home are our most important people, so they deserve our gentle treatment.
I am probably such a person.
When I was about one year old, my parents left me at home and went out to work. When I was a left-behind child, I stayed at my grandmother's house. My grandfather is fierce. I have been afraid to talk to my grandfather, but my grandmother is very kind to me. She is my dearest person in the world. My grandmother died when I was eight years old and in the second grade. I lost the person closest to me. At that time, my sister was over half a year old. After she died, I went home to live with my grandmother, and sometimes I went to see my grandfather. My sister was also left at home after she was over one year old. Every time I come back from school or have a holiday, I help my sister. When my grandmother is old, all she can do is help us cook. My sister and I do our own laundry. I was only nine years old then. I didn't have a washing machine, so I took my clothes to the river to wash them. My sister was taken to school in the city when she was in kindergarten. Grandma and I are always at home, and I can see my parents once or twice a year. They took me to the city for a while when I came back from the Spring Festival or the summer vacation. I stayed in junior high school, and my grandmother died in the second day. After more than a year, I was at home alone. I don't want to go back for the weekend holiday. The bedding at home is too wet to sleep for long, and the stove is covered with dust and moldy. There is no food at home, and noodles grow worms after a long time. Besides, I didn't dare to sleep alone at home, so I liked to go after the holiday.
Graduated from junior high school, not admitted to high school. I didn't want to go out to work so early, and then I went to a middle school in the city. At that time, I finally ended my stay at home. I was 16 years old. Live on campus every day and come back for two days on weekends. I have to wash the clothes of a large family every time I come back. At first, I didn't have a washing machine I can feel that I am not close to my parents and often quarrel. I feel my parents' partiality to my sister every day, which deepens my disappointment with my family. So I lack a lot of tolerance and understanding for my parents. I often contradict them, sometimes it is impolite to talk to them, but I don't pay attention to my tone. Actually, I have no consciousness at all. I feel like I'm communicating normally. Later, after graduating and going out to work, I didn't often go home for a year or two, and I didn't want to go home. Go back occasionally or call home. I didn't start to miss home until I was 20 years old. Maybe I have grown up and understood the importance of family, but my relationship with my family is still not close. When I grow up, I become an adult. My mother is sometimes very polite to me, and occasionally she is a little cautious and insincere. I feel disgusted. I don't know if my parents will do this when my children grow up, or just my mother. We still get along as before. Sometimes I accidentally say my mother. Every time she cries, I feel helpless, because I don't feel wrong. Why is she crying? My father will say that I am not sensible and everything has changed. My mother sent me a video two days ago without saying a few words, and we quarreled again. My mother still thinks there is something wrong with my tone. I hung up and asked my boyfriend if there was anything wrong with his speech just now. He said yes, so that outsiders would think that I had no respect for my parents. My boyfriend also criticized me, and I was very wronged at that time.
Not bad for them. I usually buy things, give red envelopes and give money to my family, which is no worse than my friends around me, but I just can't be so close to my family. I feel separated by a layer of things, and some things cannot be changed.
Alas! I hate this kind of thing, and so does our family. Others say he is nice, but at home, he is either yelling at the children or arguing without saying three words to me. If there is something for him to do at home, he will say, I won't do it without me. Let him go to school to pick up the children, or ask others to go, or scold the children all the way. Someone called him when he was in trouble. He runs faster than a rabbit. His eldest brother and two sons lost their land to build a house and gave ours to his eldest brother. My parents have never used our money. 120,000 is in our house, and he is not at ease. Sometimes he takes a thousand dollars to spend and asks again and again. When did he spend more than ten years for his children?
My husband's family is such a selfish villain, and so is my mother-in-law. She is kind to her neighbors, but not polite to my daughter-in-law. She doesn't know a word, and she worships grandma everywhere. She is really speechless. He is a love rat-Canadian baby boy. He takes good care of all his parents and listens to his mother. His mother is wrong, conniving. He is irresponsible to my daughter and me. He doesn't want to be responsible for family affairs and doesn't care about his daughter at all. When he was a child, he often beat and scolded us as tyrants! If there is anything to discuss with him, he opposes returning the favor without discussing it. Moreover, he always glared at me angrily and didn't talk for months when quarreling, as if he owed him a face. It's really hideous. This is inferiority: you have no ability and a big temper! I really want to be apart from him. My daughter said to give her five years, and if she didn't find a happy person within five years, she agreed to leave me.
Hello, I'm glad to answer this question.
There used to be a popular saying that our biggest mistake was to give the worst temper and the worst side to the closest people, but to give patience and tolerance to strangers who didn't know who they were.
In our daily life, we often see this situation. A gentle man in public places treats his parents, wife and children like a ruler at home, but he is uncompromising and even unreasonable. Many people define this kind of person as "lying in a nest", which is a sign of no promise.
What I want to say today is that they are not cowards or hopeless, but have been hurt.
In Self-Psychology, kohut believes that parents' inability to love their children and children's response to this failure are the root causes of almost all psychological problems.
When a child needs to send a signal to his parents, but the parents don't respond or treat him rudely, the child becomes helpless, angry and out of control. He'll feel like he's about to collapse. I must be not good enough, so they treat me like this.
If I can get a response from my parents every time I am on the verge of collapse, it will make him feel a strong sense of insecurity, and subconsciously think that I can only get intimate relationship with rage.
As time goes on, children will receive education from all directions and their self-awareness will gradually mature. In the external environment, children keep quiet and sensible, but at home they let themselves go and get angry at will.
In the final analysis, he didn't learn how to deal with intimate relationships. Intimacy has become the key to his personality change, and he can change from an angel to a devil in one second.
How to make this "angry family" calm down and become gentle?
First of all, anger and fear are innate. When a partner starts to lose his temper, he should deal with it firmly and quickly. Let the anger cool down, so that we can deal with the problem more calmly.
Secondly, when both sides can sit down calmly and start defensive communication, instead of blaming each other blindly, try to talk to him about their inner needs, such as "Tell me what's wrong, what's wrong?" Wait a minute. With benign communication, it is the first step to change.
I hope that everyone who has never learned to get along with each other can get out of the shadows as soon as possible and repair their inner pain.
Earlier, I saw a passage in Weibo, Zhang Defen: "The more proud a person is, the more he likes to please outsiders and gain recognition, and the worse it is for close people." Because my energy is spent outside, I have to relax in the face of my loved ones and show my negativity and impatience to the fullest. "
I have met such people. He behaved like a saint outside, and when he got home, he changed his face, as if his family owed him. He is not satisfied with anything you do, and he won't listen to anything you say. So that you can't communicate with him, you can only remain silent and patient.
If you tell his friends how bad-tempered this person is, people will say in disbelief: We don't believe what you say.
From a psychological point of view, such a person should be a person with strong dominance. Because he wants to satisfy his dominant desire outside, he must have good interpersonal relationship, fully display his personality charm in front of everyone and let everyone recognize him.
For example, he is excellent to outsiders. After a long time, everyone will respect him and thank him. He will become his best friend and his right to speak in front of friends will be stable. But when I get home, I don't have to wear a mask to be a good gentleman, because I am facing my family and relatives, not his complete true colors. The result is that you are hard to talk, impatient and bad-tempered.
He suppressed his relatives in this way, not because he didn't love his family, but because he wanted to control his family and make them feel useless and obey his command. In fact, such a character is completely insecure. The root of pursuing his personality may be that he was strictly controlled by his parents from his childhood, and there was no room for self-development and relaxation. So when he grew up, he tried his best to make up for the desire for control he had never had.
For such a character, if his family indulges him blindly, he will become even crazier. You can either completely subdue him, such as exposing his real purpose; Or stay away from him. Otherwise, every day is spent in control, without your own pace of life and independent space, your emotions will suffer in depression.
I once saw a plot about the writer Lu Yao on the Internet.
Lu Yao gives the impression that he cares about the world and sympathizes with others, and his works are full of this feeling. But he is also a cold husband.
Once, his wife carried a gas tank to the fifth floor. He sat on the first floor and watched her climb coldly. He took a few steps but did not move.
There are also many people who are impressed by their words and deeds for a little harm from others, but they become tyrants at home and abuse their wives.
0 1 It's safe to vent your anger on your family.
There is a good saying: being loved often has nothing to hide.
We are used to having and take the love and tolerance of our family for granted. And "taking it for granted" and "fearless" are the most terrible. We are no longer moved, no longer cherish, even bitter and unscrupulous, because we know and firmly believe that they will never leave us, and what we have done will eventually be forgiven.
In front of family and love, we show our true side without any worries or maintaining our image.
Outsiders, who will not tolerate us unconditionally, will choose whether to maintain this relationship for our behavior. When dealing with such a relationship, we will show our good side and pay attention to whether our words and deeds are appropriate.
Family members who really care about you give you criticism you don't want to hear.
Outsiders have no grievances, no interests, and will not criticize you face to face. But the sincerity of your family will often point out your shortcomings and mistakes. People seldom really listen to the accusations and criticisms of others, especially those from their families.
Similarly, outsiders are friendly to you because they have no responsibility and need to tell you your shortcomings. They also want to safeguard their interests with you.
Have been hurt in family relations.
Many people have memories of being beaten or scolded as children.
Everyone wants to be loved and treated warmly and tenderly. When we were young, we did some unreasonable things in various ways to attract the attention of adults. But if, in the end, we can't get the love and warmth we expect from our parents, we will feel bitter and resentful in disappointment. This is also the reason why many family relationships are not good.
04. Have expectations for family members and only talk about cooperation with outsiders.
We expect and need more from our families. When they don't meet our expectations, we get angry or angry.
For example, for many problems that we can't handle, we always ask the closest people for help first. If they can't help you, you can only rely on yourself, and when you can't do anything, you will get angry, which goes back to the first question.
To outsiders, we are a cooperative relationship. No one has an obligation to help you, except parents and relatives. Therefore, in the eyes of outsiders, you should not expect too much. Even if there is, you can only say "it doesn't matter" with a smile.
All relationships need to be managed. Because we are a close family, we have more needs and expectations. When we can't satisfy them, the harm caused by the gap in our hearts will be manifested in other ways.
Home is a place to express feelings, not to reason. What we should cherish most is this kind of emotional bond, and we should also cherish and be grateful, not relying on human feelings and arrogance.