I have been depressed for ten years and want to commit suicide every day.
In the fifth grade, when I was 11 years old, I took sleeping pills once and passed out. I was discovered by a neighbor and survived after gastric lavage;
When I was 20 years old, I was injured because of my mother’s harsh words. No, I made two cuts on my wrist and received six stitches.
What’s more, in these ten years of adolescence, the setbacks and injuries encountered were the same as family misfortune, all kinds of pain and torture, and struggling in the quagmire every day. When something happens, I can't bear it anymore and want to die. Since I was a child, I have watched my parents quarreling, scolding, and fighting. The conflicts caused a lot of depression in the whole family.
A lot of things happened to the family. When I was eight years old, my grandfather contracted stomach cancer and was tortured to the point of being skin and bones and died. When I was 17 years old, my grandmother also passed away in pain from esophageal cancer. My parents bear a lot of spiritual pressure in life, and I, a little child, grew up in such a repressive family. I was ostracized by my classmates in junior high school and had no friends. I was humiliated and slapped in the face by bad girls in public. I couldn’t feel the warmth at home. He was often beaten and scolded by his mother, and he finally started to fight with her during adolescence, which made the family even more depressed and uncomfortable. And I also began a long career of depression, a gloomy adolescence where I hated everything and believed that only anger and sharpness could protect myself.
I lived in a dank dormitory in college, and my health began to deteriorate until I was so weak that I had no strength to speak. I suffered from insomnia for a year and lost a lot of hair.
Later, although my insomnia improved, I often dreamed about dirty places, corpses in the underworld, etc.
When you don’t believe in Buddhism, you will wake up thinking of Amitabha in your nightmares. But at that time, I came into contact with Taoism and Chinese medicine, and gradually began to believe in the existence of ghosts and gods, and always had a reverence for all things.
After graduating from college, I ran away with my boyfriend to another place. I really couldn’t stand the family atmosphere and my parents, because I didn’t know when I would quarrel with them again and I wanted to jump off the building.
I haven’t had a job for more than a year, but thanks to my boyfriend, he took care of me regardless of my depression and irritability. We read, wrote, and chatted together.
He taught me to obey my parents and not to talk back to my parents. If I said unpleasant and angry words, I should call my parents again to apologize and soften things up.
Even if I got angry and slapped him until he became temporarily deaf, he would forgive me.
For me, he cooks and does laundry, tolerates and cares for me. Thank you, my benefactor!
In his warmth, my selfish, cold and gloomy heart gradually melted. I knew what giving was, I knew how to understand the hardships of my parents, and in my life abroad, I knew Life is not easy.
I began to face my inner self gradually, but when I became depressed and irritable, I was still very selfish and hurtful. I was very abusive, and I would also attack my boyfriend and hurt each other.
In early November 2009, by chance, we arrived at the White Horse Temple in Luoyang.
Although I don’t believe in Buddhism, I still have respect for the temple and worship the Buddha and Bodhisattva. In the temple and Longmen Grottoes, I experienced tranquility and peace. I, who have always been in poor health, actually walked for more than two hours without feeling tired. You know, I can only breathe until my chest, hold it to death every day, and feel weak. Weak people!
When I returned to my residence, I read on the Internet that reading "Ksitigarbha Sutra" is good for the dead, because at that time I often dreamed of returning to my childhood home and seeing my grandma, who was both kind and frightened in my dreams. I just thought: At least there is no harm in reading it, and of course it would be better if it is beneficial to the deceased.
In December, I started chanting sutras. Although I was not familiar with the reading, my mind was full of distracting thoughts, the rituals were a bit messy, and I did not believe in Buddhism. I still drank meat and wine.
But after reading it for seven or eight days, when I was about to wake up one morning, I seemed to dream that my grandma smiled at me. Since then, I have never dreamed of her again.
Later, my boyfriend collected the teachings of the old monk Xuyun. I chanted sutras and he read. Somehow, both of them gradually became Buddhists. A very natural process.
At that time, my hair had stopped falling out and my chest seemed less stuffy, but I didn’t think it was the effect of the Ksitigarbha Sutra.
Depression is still very severe. When something goes wrong, I still can’t bear it, and it’s easy to worry, worry, and fear. Venting bad emotions to the people closest to you is uncontrollable and you will regret it later.
At the beginning of 2010, I returned to my parents’ house and was frustrated in my job search. But I was surprised to find: I don’t want to die!
In the past, anything smaller than being frustrated in finding a job could make me want to commit suicide. But this year, after reading twenty or thirty volumes of the Ksitigarbha Sutra intermittently, I actually no longer want to commit suicide!
This discovery surprised me.
I started releasing animals in February 2010 and started volunteering in April, all in order to change my luck.
Later, I met a great master of traditional Chinese medicine while seeing a doctor, and through his student, I met a very pure, dignified and compassionate bhikshuni. My master told me to read the six hundred Ksitigarbha Sutra. , she could tell at a glance that I had bad luck and all kinds of hidden character flaws, which meant that even if I found a job, I wouldn't be able to find a good one.
Master noticed that I was running around with distracting thoughts and told me to recite Amitabha silently in my heart and surrender my distracting thoughts.
Master said that although the current job is physical, it has its benefits. Because I am not suitable for thinking, I need to purify my mind.
In this way, I began to read the Ksitigarbha Sutra obediently, two volumes a day, insisted on a vegetarian diet, and replaced disturbing thoughts with the Holy Name of Amitabha.
When I read more than a hundred "Ksitigarbha Sutra", I tried my best to suppress my delusions, and slowly found that my body and mind began to become healthy.
The physical work also made my body stronger and I could walk long distances without getting tired. Although I make very little money, I go to free life when I have time, and my relationship with my parents has also eased. I also went to the temple and worshiped the "Liang Huang Bao Confessions" twice, which were both turning points in my life.
For the first time, I went to Boshan Zhengjue Temple to worship "Liang Huang Bao Repentance" and met a compassionate brother who gave me free online medical consultation and medical treatment. After taking medicine for two months, my chest was obviously When the Qi becomes smoother, the liver stagnation is no longer so severe.
After my second confession, I found a job that was relatively easy, where I could learn something, and which was relevant to my major.
In less than a year of insisting on freeing animals, eating vegetarian food, and chanting sutras, I have lived a normal life. I have come out of the gloom, my relationship with my parents has improved, and my boyfriend is also very happy with me. After a change, the atmosphere at home is obviously different. I feel that the "feng shui" is much better. The home is no longer dark and gray, and it doesn't feel so cold anymore.
My parents and I are a happy family of three.
Although my mother had cancer and underwent surgery, after undergoing traditional Chinese medicine and dedicating merit, her body is in better shape than before the surgery. Her skin, which was once dull and gray, has become clearer and fairer. Although I still use harsh words and nagging, it is much better and I will laugh it off and not mind it anymore.
My mother’s personality has improved, and she and my father rarely quarrel. I would often talk to them about traditional culture and the deeds of sages. My father began to like the ways of Lao and Zhuang, and my mother became more open-minded than before.
In view of my parents’ concerns about their health, I explained to them the benefits of not eating meat from the perspective of traditional Chinese medicine and health preservation. The family rarely eats meat anymore, and only vegetarian dishes are eaten.
Although my boyfriend and I live in two places due to work, our relationship is also better. Whether we are together or not, we are supported by the same relationship.
We do not agree with young people living together without marriage, because we have to pay a price for every step we take, and we don’t know whether we can afford the next step, so it is better to protect ourselves and refuse to live together before marriage and engage in sexual immorality.
A good boyfriend is rare, but parents must be grateful for having raised them for more than 20 years. Without the hard work and hard work of parents, there would be no growth of children.
Thank you Ksitigarbha Bodhisattva for pulling me out of the quagmire!
I am grateful to Master, my parents, and my boyfriend.
I am grateful to wake up in a warm and comfortable big bed every day.
Thanks to my parents for preparing breakfast for me. Dinner,
I am grateful to my boyfriend for never leaving me and teaching me even in difficult situations.
Thankful for everything in the world.
Thankful for all forms of life!
Thank you Buddha and Bodhisattva!