Boys who lack fatherly love can't get married. In the process of children's growth, the roles of father and mother cannot be lost, otherwise it will cause great deviation in the formation of children's character. The appearance of children is the appearance of parents. The following share that boys who lack fatherly love can't get married.
A boy who lacks fatherly love can't get married 1.
Father and mother belong to different roles, and their educational behaviors are different, which plays an important role in the formation of children's gender roles. Whether it is a boy or a girl, the serious absence of the father will lead to the gender dislocation of the child.
It is generally believed that gender cognition is a natural thing. Boys are boys and girls are girls. What's wrong with that? Indeed, the physiological differences are like this, but have you ever thought about the inner world of children? When a child confirms that he is a boy or a girl, in addition to the influence of congenital reasons, if the outside world does not give the child correct guidance, the child may be confused about gender roles, that is, gender dislocation.
In a family lacking paternal love, children can't learn the decisive self-confidence of men, especially boys, and often deviate from the correct gender role, forming a feminine, indecisive and sentimental character like women, unlike boys, and even feel that they should be "girls".
Second, the Oedipus complex occurred.
This often happens to boys, especially in families where the father is not at home for a long time or even if he goes home, he just stands there motionless like a mountain, and all the children's education falls to the mother.
But dad has a greater influence on boys than girls. The less the father's participation, the lower his status, and the easier it is for children to attach themselves to their mothers and have Oedipus complex.
I have seen a case before. After a woman gets married, she finds that her husband's Oedipus complex is particularly serious. She took her mother with her on her honeymoon trip. Three people sleep in a room and a big bed at night. Finally, the woman couldn't stand the divorce.
Third, the concept of marriage is incorrect, and married life is unhappy.
If a person comes from a family where his father is a shopkeeper and an outsider, and his mother works at home and abroad, for his son, he will naturally think that if a woman gets married, she will wait on her father like her mother, and she will become an uncle herself. For a daughter, she will feel that she should serve her husband as hard as her mother.
However, this idea is wrong! Housework is not a person's business, and raising children is not a woman's responsibility. The so-called family needs both husband and wife to pay together!
Fourth, girls lack fatherly love and are easy to fall in love with old men.
After the child is three years old, the role of the father is very important for the cultivation of the child's sense of security. A girl who lacks fatherly love is equal to the lack of this sense of security. When she grows up, it is easy for her to fall in love with middle-aged and old men. Why is this?
Because the old man can give her all the warmth, maturity, consideration and full sense of security she wants. The charm of middle-aged men will confuse such a girl, who seems to think that she can get long-lost fatherly love from old men, and the fatherly love she lacked when she was young can be made up by the love of middle-aged and old men.
However, the charm of middle-aged men can't be acquired overnight. There may be a married wife at home, or the old man may be fickle and just playing with his feelings. So such girls are always easy to be cheated. Even if you fall in love with boys of similar age, you will easily meet inappropriate people or people who throw a moth into the fire, and the consequences are often unhappy.
Boys who lack fatherly love can't get married. The famous psychologist carl jung said:
The relationship between mother and child points to the inside of the family, which means the integration and intimacy of meaning and affects the emotional relationship of a person after adulthood. The relationship between father and son points out of the family, implies rules and alienation, and affects a person's ability to establish social relations and interpersonal communication in adulthood.
As a result, I issued a lot of topics related to this. For example, if your interpersonal relationship is not good and your ability to cooperate and compete with others is weak, then there is a high probability that your relationship with your father was not very good when you were a child.
This view has been recognized by many netizens, and a series of evidences have been made through their own personal experiences.
Engaged in psychological work, the more contact with various cases, the more I think this statement is right, combined with our own actual situation, we can further explore:
For example, today's topic: a boy who lacked fatherly love when he was a child, grew up with low emotional intelligence, weak social skills and poor interpersonal relationships.
We have a proverb called "Like father, like son". This is not only a unique phenomenon in our culture. Mark Twain, a famous American writer, said that when a boy grows up, he will find a man who imitates and worships him, and this man is his father in nine cases out of ten.
From the perspective of developmental psychology, it is also an indisputable fact that boys imitate and worship their fathers.
But these are only superficial phenomena, and the father's influence on boys may be far more than worship and imitation. Let's make an interpretation from the aspects of emotional intelligence, interpersonal relationship and social ability.
emotional quotient (EQ)
Before discussing EQ, we should first talk about its original meaning or psychological significance, because it may be different from the existing definition of EQ in our minds.
EQ was first put forward by Daniel Gorman, a professor at Harvard University who is called "the father of EQ". He believes that emotional intelligence is emotional intelligence, which refers to a person's quality in emotion, willpower and frustration tolerance.
Perhaps in our culture, EQ is "generalized". Being able to be a person and get along with others is called high EQ. On the contrary, there is something wrong with EQ, which is obviously not its original meaning.
Similarly, in the relationship between father-son relationship and boy's emotional intelligence, emotional intelligence also refers to the emotional intelligence defined by Daniel Gorman. Only in this way can we have positive reference significance for raising boys or self-development.
Anyway, since high EQ means good mood, good willpower and good frustration tolerance, let's see what role father will play for boys in this respect.
There is a very famous bestseller of parenting psychology called Cultivating Boys with High EQ. The author of the book found through follow-up research that:
Boys with rich emotions and strong self-healing ability all have an emotional father. Especially in adolescence, fathers have a vital influence on boys' emotional growth, especially in emotional ability, emotional identification, management ability and so on, boys are not as good as girls.
In the process of transforming into men, boys will imitate their fathers intentionally or unintentionally in emotional expression, identification and management, so as to identify and consolidate their gender image.
Then back to the original intention of emotional intelligence, a boy who can manage his emotions well, has strong willpower and good toughness often has a father with high emotional intelligence to grow up with him.
interpersonal relationship
Each of us must live in a relationship, which can be divided into emotional intimacy and ordinary interpersonal relationship. As we mentioned at the beginning of the article, a person's emotional intimacy is often closely related to his relationship with his mother.
And a person's ordinary interpersonal relationship is inextricably linked with his father.
Because ordinary interpersonal relationships follow more rules and boundaries, they will not become extremely intimate and point to integration. Especially all kinds of relationships outside the family, such as students in groups of three or five, win-win partners and colleagues fighting side by side.
social skills
The world of 2 1 is definitely not a single-player society. Our products and services are more and more subdivided, and it is inevitable to cooperate and compete with others.
A boy's bad relationship with his father in childhood often means that he has formed an unhealthy "triangle relationship" with his father, mother and himself.
Why? Because in most cases, at first, we will naturally get close to our mother, which is a biological instinct. With the continuous growth, when we were about 3 years old, my father began to enter our world.
The mother let go a little bit, and the father took over a little bit, so that the mother loved her son, the son loved her mother, the mother loved her father, the father loved her son, and the son loved his father, and a "triangle relationship" was born.
There is a very subtle motive force of cooperation and competition among three people, which may be the embryonic form of our later cooperation and competition with others.
If the relationship between the child and the father is not good, it often means that the child and the mother are too close, and the most typical one is "Ma Baonan".
You may be familiar with "Ma Baonan". Su Ming's achievement in the TV series Everything is Fine is a good example. He is very close to his mother, and the relationship between mother and father is so bad that he hardly has a father in his eyes.
Without the protection of his mother, his interpersonal relationship and work life would be a mess.
As we have discussed above, in today's society, it is often necessary to cooperate with others and compete with others to obtain the capital for survival, but for a "baby boy", this ability is relatively weak.
In short, it is very important to raise a boy with correct fatherly love. Whether your son can become a man with high emotional intelligence depends on you!
A boy who lacks fatherly love can't get married. What is the father's function?
There is an old saying: "The son is not the fault of the godfather", which clearly states the responsibility that the father should bear in educating his children. In modern society, fathers are mostly busy with their work, and they put all the things of accompanying and educating their children on their mothers. Can a mother take full responsibility for her children? Don't! No one can take the place of father.
Li Mengchao, a psychologist in China, made a brief summary of China's contemporary fatherly love, including five aspects: support, protection, discipline, preaching and victory.
Support: it is to earn money to support the family, and most dads can do it.
Protection: it is to protect the family. When in danger, the father will step forward to protect the children. For example, the father, played by Jason Wu in The Wandering Earth, volunteered to go to a dangerous space to perform a task in order to give his children a chance to enter the underground city without drawing lots.
Discipline: it is to give children a sense of rules, let them adapt to and agree with the rules of this world, and learn the skills of living according to the rules. In Disney's cartoon The Lion King, Mufasa told his son Simba, "You will be the master of this kingdom. But that doesn't mean you can do whatever you want. As the king of a country, you should maintain the endless vitality of this grassland and respect the power of natural circulation. "
Preaching: it is to pass on the values of yourself and your family to your children. Every family that has been passed down for hundreds of years has its own rules and regulations. For example, the descendants of Zhuge Liang inherited the tradition of "either a good doctor or a good doctor".
Victory: It is to give children a strong father image and become their heroes and role models. For example, if the father of a child is a PLA or a doctor, their children will be very proud of fighting in the front line of saving lives.
The reason why the role of father can't be replaced by mother is that mother is more inclined to accept children and reduce the difficulty of children's exploration, while father encourages learning and suffers setbacks with children. So sometimes it is better for dad to accompany his children to do their homework, and dad's ability to bear children's negative emotions is much stronger than that of mom. Women are delicate, men are rough, don't cling to small details, and don't easily conflict with children.
How will the lack of fatherly love affect a child's life?
Boys:
In infancy, if the father is not around, the formation of boys' masculinity will be hindered. It is found that boys who lost their father before the age of 4 are obviously not as decisive and enterprising as men, and are more likely to show feminine characteristics in behavior.
With the growth of boys, dad takes boys to participate in games, such as playing basketball and football, which can not only promote their physical development, but also cultivate their perseverance.
In addition, dad will also affect the boy's way of thinking and intellectual development. At the same time, more importantly, the power of a father's role model will affect his son's self-awareness of male gender.
If a son lacks the role of father in the process of growing up, he will tend to be a "sissy" when he grows up, and he will easily become a "mother-in-law". The way fathers influence their children lies not in "teaching by example" but in "teaching by example".
Li Ka-shing, the richest man in Hong Kong, is extremely rich, but he is still frugal. His two sons go to school by bus every day and eat and wear the same as other children. They have to work on their own during the holidays to earn their tuition. Huo also knows this, and together with Guo Jingjing, he takes his son to plant seedlings in the fields, do public welfare and do housework.
They are all telling their sons in their own way what men should look like.
Girl:
Dad's appearance will affect his daughter's choice of life partner in the future. If a girl grows up in a family where her father is "living beyond his means" and her mother is used to being busy all day, she will subconsciously acquiesce in the rationality of this family model. When I grow up, I will also choose a man with the same "male chauvinism" tendency as my husband.
In the process of finding the other half, a girl is actually pursuing her ideal father.
A good father should give his daughter enough love and nourishment, and at the same time have a sense of boundary and appropriate limits. The daughter is older and can't have too intimate actions and behaviors. Only when a daughter experiences the feeling of being loved and obtains the psychological capital worthy of being loved can she become a confident and attractive woman when she grows up.
If the daughter is too scarce in this relationship, she is more likely to choose a man much older than herself as her husband when she grows up. I read a news before that a girl in her twenties insisted on marrying an old man in her seventies despite everyone's dissuasion, because the old man took care of her since she was a child, which made her feel the warmth of fatherly love that she had never felt before. The girl still can't live without this abnormal love when she is an adult. They finally got married and had a son.
How to integrate the missing father into the child's life?
Nonsense, there is a classic formula in contemporary China families: missing father+anxious mother = out-of-control child. In short, the current education is too chicken blood, and various study groups are constantly comparing. I saw a circle of friends sent by a fifth-grade parent that day. The child is a bully at school and won a circle of various awards, but he still brushes the topic to 12 every day. Elementary school has already learned the content of junior high school in advance. Get up at 6 o'clock in the morning, fall asleep on the bus, drooling. It really hurts to watch, and the child is too hard.
This kind of anxiety spreads throughout the education circle, and many mothers can't stand the pressure and even get angry. In fact, at this time, what mom has to do is to step back and let dad go. On the one hand, let yourself relax, on the other hand, let the father participate in the children's lives and harmonize the feelings between parents and children.
Many fathers neglect their children in life, usually for these reasons:
1, Dad is incompetent and actively marginalizes himself: Some dads are not educated enough to help their children with their homework, so they take the initiative to undertake logistics work, give up communication with their children or are too busy at work, often work overtime and have no time to manage.
2. The rejection of "super mother": the mother is too capable, and the child has formed the same fate as the mother since birth, and the father can't get in. Even if dad takes the initiative to accompany his children to do homework, he will be driven away by his mother for various reasons.
3, avoid the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law: most of the contradictions between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law make men have a headache and can hide. Especially about children's education, everyone is right, and no one refuses to accept anyone. It was hard for the men, so they ran away.
4. The man's derailment and his wife's emotional disharmony: the relationship between the man and his wife is not good. If the child is on the mother's side, then the man will hate with the child. Zhu Chaoyang is a typical example of hiding in the corner. Both father and junior's daughter are treasures, but their son is grass, which directly leads to Zhu Chaoyang's psychological darkening.
5. Divorce: After divorce, if the mother speaks ill of her father in front of her children, the children will also be affected and unwilling to communicate with her father. Dad has no chance to take care of it.
So what should a father do to integrate into his child's life?
1. After the child is born, the father needs to rebuild the relationship with his family. The child was born after the mother 10 was pregnant, and the mother and the child have a natural affinity. After having a child, the mother usually shifts all her attention to the child and assumes the responsibility of "mother". At this time, men should change their roles accordingly, no longer just husbands, but also "fathers", worrying about the food and drink of children and wives, not just being marginalized.
2. Be a real father and refuse to symbolize. Dad should show himself as truly as possible, with advantages and disadvantages, instead of being an "ATM".
3. Enter the family with a positive attitude. Put down your mobile phone and really accompany your child. You often take your children to play some adventure games unique to fathers, hug your wife and children, give them love and warmth, and actively listen to their troubles. If your children don't agree with you, you might as well do something to build your prestige. Deng Chao plays his father in Looking Up. His son looked down on him when he came out of prison, so he showed off his professional ability when looking for a job, and immediately changed his mind and was willing to accept his guidance and work together.