Healthy people like productive activities and high-quality life.
George Bernard Shaw
The whole strategy begins with knowing your procrastination pattern, so that you can apply appropriate technology and replace it with an efficient work pattern.
Signs of procrastination
The following six signs can help you quickly determine whether you have obvious difficulties in procrastination, achieving goals and inefficiency.
1. Do you feel that life is like a series of impossible obligations?
And you are:
Keep a to-do list that can't be longer?
Always use "have to do" and "should do" to talk to yourself?
Feel powerless and lack judgment on how to make a choice.
Feeling excited and depressed, procrastinating is always afraid of being seen through?
Suffering from insomnia, it is difficult to relax at night, weekends and holidays (if on vacation)?
2. Is your concept of time unrealistic?
And you are:
Talk about the start of the project with some vague sentences, such as "sometime next week" or "this fall"?
Can't remember how time was wasted?
The timetable is empty, with no clear determination, plan, sub-goals and deadlines?
Often late for meetings and banquets?
During the rush hour, when driving through the city center, you didn't count the time of traffic jam?
3. Know your goals and values. Is it vacillating?
And you are:
Do you find it difficult to be loyal to one person or stick to a project?
I am vague about what I really need, but I am very clear about what I should need.
Will you be easily distracted by another plan that seems to have no problems and obstacles?
Lack of accurate discrimination, how to arrange the right time to do the most important things.
4. Not satisfied? Frustrated? Depression?
And you are:
There are some goals in life that have never been achieved or even tried?
Afraid of always being a procrastinator?
Feel that you are never satisfied with what you do?
Feeling lost-always feel guilty at work or not?
Keep thinking, "Why should I do this?" The winner is "What's wrong with me?" ?
Are you indecisive and afraid of being criticized for making mistakes?
And you are:
Extend the completion date of projects because you want to do your best to make them perfect?
Afraid of being responsible for making certain decisions, because you are afraid of being accused if something goes wrong?
Perfect in unimportant things?
Hope not to be influenced by mistakes and criticisms?
Always worried about "what to do after something happens"?
6. Lack of self-esteem and self-confidence. Does it prevent you from becoming efficient?
And you are:
Complain about external factors when you fail, because you dare not admit any shortcomings of yourself?
Believe in "I did it" or "I am my net worth"?
Do you feel inefficient when you are in control of your life?
Afraid of being judged and found unqualified by others?
If you can understand most of these symptoms, then you may already know that you do have problems, such as procrastination, improper time management or work enthusiasm.
If you only see some of these signs in yourself, you may procrastinate in other aspects of your life, but you can still effectively control the situation in most areas.
If you have ever been caught in a cycle of procrastination, you will know the personal cost you pay in life: you missed the deadline when applying for a job or studying; I lost a business because I didn't call to follow up; Relationships break down because of being late and canceling plans ... Even if you avoid these extreme situations and can fulfill your obligations responsibly and finish the task before the deadline, you will still suffer from procrastination. The fact is that most people who think they are procrastinators have finished their tasks on the deadline and have not been severely punished. However, when we have to admit that we have many terrible or unpleasant tasks, we all feel very busy, depressed and unhappy. Our real pain comes from constant anxiety caused by procrastination, from guilt caused by poor quality of projects completed at the last minute, and from deep regret caused by losing many opportunities in life.
Look at the human spirit positively.
"Why are you procrastinating?" On this question, the most frequently answered question is "Because I am lazy". But even the most serious procrastinators are motivated and energetic in some aspects of life-sports, reading, caring for others, listening to music, dancing, political debate, investment and surfing the Internet. The so-called procrastinators exist in every industry. They have made great achievements in their chosen fields, but they have made little achievements in other fields.
From the perspective of instant habit strategy, laziness, lack of organization or other personality defects are not considered as the reasons for your procrastination. This perspective does not accept the view that "ordinary people are naturally lazy and need pressure to motivate them".
The strategy of immediate habit is based on Dr. Martin seligman's positive psychology-Dr. Susanna Corbasa of the University of Chicago believes that it represents a "psychological direction that emphasizes human initiative and resilience". Her research on "tough personality" tells us that a more optimistic explanation of human function is often excluded from the theory of how people deal with difficulties. Similarly, Norman Cousins' two books, Anatomy of Disease from the Patient's Point of View and Bridge of Mind, tell us that modern medicine has actually ignored the positive side of the human recovery and healing mechanism and is more inclined to pay attention to the disease itself. He believes that a sense of humor and positive thoughts and feelings have healing potential. The immediate habit strategy takes a similar positive attitude towards procrastination in human spirit.
Since human nature can become so proactive, why do we still have procrastination? This is a question you might ask. Dennis Waverly, the author of Psychology of Success and Happiness at Work, gave an explanation. He defined procrastination as "an allergic form of self-defense behavior" to protect a person's sense of self-worth. In other words, procrastination occurs when we are worried about our sense of value and independence and feel threatened. Only when natural driving forces and production activities are threatened or oppressed will we show laziness. Whitley said, "No one is lazy to feel bad." "Laziness is only to temporarily alleviate the deep fear."
What kind of deep-rooted inner fear urges us to seek such an ineffective way to alleviate it? In his book Compassion and Self-hatred, Theodore Rubin pointed out that it is the fear of failure, imperfection (perfectionism) and unattainable expectations (being at a loss) that prevent us from continuing to take actions to achieve achievable goals. Fear of failure means that you believe that even the smallest mistake can prove that you are worthless and hopeless; Fear of defects means that it is difficult for you to accept your imperfections-so you will interpret any criticism, opposition and judgment from others as a threat to your mastery of perfection; Fear of unattainable expectations, that is, fear that even if you have worked hard and achieved the goals set for you, your only reward will only be higher and harder goals, without stopping and having time to reflect on your achievements. Dr. Rubin said that these fears prevent us from reaching a certain realm of life, in which we are full of sympathy for ourselves now-who are we and where are we? This sympathy for oneself is very important for overcoming the reasons behind procrastination. It means to understand that procrastination is not a personality defect; This is an attempt (though not satisfactory) to cope with the fear of incompetence that often occurs when self-worth is judged by others.
When a person realizes who he is at work and his value as a person, fear of being judged is a key fear. This fear is accompanied by the drive to pursue perfection and inefficiency, severe self-criticism and the fear that you have to deprive yourself of leisure time to cater to some intangible judgments.
The harshest critic-yourself
A young girl sat nervously on the sofa in the waiting room. She looks like a young and confused child. The girl sat on the edge of the seat, her hands and fingers crossed tightly, and her back hunched, as if it hurt. I called her name, and Claire's face lit up. She forced out a smile, but she looked nervous and clumsy. When she stood up, I could see that she was a tall and well-dressed woman in her thirties. She may soon lose her childlike expression, showing her real age and condition.
When they walked into my office together, she regained that childlike expression. She leaned down and said meekly, "I may be fired." I received a bad performance evaluation report, and if I don't improve, they will fire me. I feel scared. I have never failed in my life. "
This job is Claire's first time to take responsibility. Her company is a rapidly expanding pharmaceutical product marketing company with attractive development prospects. In more than 30 minutes, she listed her procrastination problems: embarrassment, humiliation, inferiority, constant tension, always feeling out of control, failing to meet the deadline, a lot of projects swarming in, and no time to check the obvious mistakes that have existed.
"I just can't face all their demands on me. They asked me to learn a lot, "Claire told me. "They bother me at any time, but there are no clear guiding principles. I have no idea what they want from me. I feel stupid and incompetent. I can't even go to work after a while, although I want to. I'm afraid of what mistakes I made. Whenever I start a project, I can always hear the voice of my boss, telling me what is right and how important this project is. The way I do things is very different from the way he does things. "
"When I started this work, the dog people were eager to wait for me to start. Janet, a former employee of this job, left a lot of work to do. But when people ask about the progress, I always say that I just started to deepen, that is, I only have some ideas. If I talk to them about my work, they will say how difficult it is to be in Janet's position. Later, I stopped asking them for advice and talking about my work to anyone. When I encounter obstacles, I become very nervous and depressed, so I just put my work aside, have a coffee break, or talk to someone about the weather-or do anything that can be used to drive away my nervousness. "
"But my problem didn't start with this job. Procrastination is not a new problem for me. I realized it in elementary school. I know that the difficulty of procrastination has always had a bad influence on me. I have had this problem since high school. Even so, I will feel anxious about submitting the project because I am afraid that the project will be completed in general-just in general. "
When Claire uttered the words "average" and "just average", an expression of disgust crawled on her face. I think this is the best time to interrupt her. She spent a long time describing herself as a victim, a frightened and helpless child, but this time she became a judge and critic. The role of judges and critics is not very positive, but it is more exciting than her role of being depressed because of a poor performance evaluation report.
"Ordinary is terrible for you, isn't it, Claire?" I asked, "This makes you feel very painful and worthless. I feel that you may be too hard on yourself. You want all your work to be better than others, even perfect, and when the situation is the opposite, you will feel disgusted with yourself. It seems that your project is no longer just the work you have to deal with; They become mirrors that reflect your value as a person. I bet that when your job is rated as' average', you will tell yourself' you can't': it's as if you were rated, not your job. Where did you learn to talk to yourself like that? "
Claire was confused by my question. She thought for a moment. "Since I can remember. The upbringing I received from childhood convinced me that I should do everything best; Anything that doesn't meet the best standards is a failure. If I fail, I will feel like a complete failure. "
Then Claire told me where she learned to think of herself as half a judge and half a lazy child. "I am the youngest of the four sisters. My two brothers and one sister are very successful. Of course, my father is also very successful and rich, and my mother is also very likable and everything is fine. I always feel that I have to race with them, but I feel that I can't do it-they are much better than me in all aspects. I thought I was going to study medicine, but the competition was so fierce that my eldest brother had chosen this field. As long as I can remember, when I asked them for advice on my homework, they always made fun of me. They always expect me to do things well without any problems. I think they are showing me how smart they are. I have never been praised for my achievements, even though I have worked very hard. However, once I fail in the exam, I will attract a lot of criticism when I get 8 points in history or other subjects. I always feel that someone is watching me behind my back and I am always worried about whether I am not doing well enough and how smart I am. "
"When I was growing up, people told me to be self-disciplined and make great achievements in piano, ballet and natural science. I feel I have to force myself to do these things for them, even if I want to go out and play with other children. I want to have a certain specialty, which is too important for my parents. I want to make them happy, so I really work hard for them. I did a decent job, but in fact I never stood out. They are never proud of what I have done. No matter how hard I try, I always feel nervous about the written test and interview, so that I can never give full play to it. I always feel that there is not so much pressure-I can do well with a little more time. But the result is always average. I hate only getting an average grade. But isn't everyone like this? "
This early family model is typical among many procrastinators. Praise is often reserved because it "may make you complacent." One feeling left for children is that hard work is never enough. There seems to be no way to please parents or teachers. Early in their lives, children gradually understand that after completing a project, all they can wait for is criticism or so-called constructive suggestions on how to improve. At the same time, it also clearly conveyed some information: "You can't stop. You always need to keep trying. Life and work are very hard; It won't be so easy for you; Only by doing a lot of work can we live in victory; It is better to get used to the cold reality, because adulthood is worse than childhood; When you are playing outside, a disaster is lurking in the corner, waiting for an opportunity to launch a sudden attack on you. "
Claire's early education told her that there is a lazy part in her body, which needs to be restrained, pressured and threatened when she wants to engage in the hard work she faces. For Claire, constant conflict with herself is the only way she knows. I want to challenge two contradictory assumptions revealed in Claire's story: one is that she forces her feelings, that is, she thinks she needs inner conflict; Second, it is considered that this persistent conflict is normal and a way of life for everyone-just as laziness is one of human nature.
"I guess a lot of people do, Claire," I said. "But you have to believe me, not everyone is like this. I bet there was a time when everything you did was almost flawless when you were a child. Every word you spit out will get warm applause and an expression of encouragement-a soothing smile that means you won't have any problems. Everyone will say to you,' We all like you' and leave you time to study in your own way and at your own pace. "
Claire burst into tears and sobbed, then apologized and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cry." I promised myself not to cry. I feel so stupid. I don't even know why I am crying. "
"Can you feel that unconditional acceptance for a long time?" I asked. "Maybe for a long time, you are one of all the people who are sure of you. Looking at it now, you will soon remember the voice of the trial,' What a stupid cry, crying for no reason. "Stop crying and apologize." In that case, you study well, maybe it's too good. Where did you learn to talk to yourself so harshly? "
I want Claire to be alert to her negative soliloquy, so that she can finally learn to control this negative soliloquy, even if she can't control other people's words. The victim's feelings have become a part of her self-identity, so that she thinks that the reason for criticism comes from outside herself. I reminded her that she was a dignified judge. I analyzed it for Claire, and she probably learned this perfect reproach in order to get her parents' approval. In order to ensure her parents' approval, she has to accept what they believe, that is, a part of her body is bad, which needs constant monitoring and pressure to become normal. In this way, Claire learned to talk to herself as a threatening parent, not a loving parent.
Claire's question is an excellent example of the consequences of "toxic pedagogy". "Poisonous Teaching" was put forward by Alice Miller in For Yourself: The Hidden Roots of Cruelty and Violence in Children's Education. This teaching method has taught children inferiority and negative working attitude. Claire learned to be negative about her work and ability before she was old enough to think independently. Now that she has grown up, I want her to consciously decide which attitudes and ideas are reasonable for her. I think it is also important for her to know the theory I used to analyze her problems. I told her that my work was based on a positive attitude towards the human spirit. Work and progress are natural to people's body and mind, and problems like procrastination usually stem from the suppression of this driving force.
I first redefined some basic premises about work and procrastination, and then I found some negative assumptions behind Claire's procrastination. I asked Claire to trace the time and reason of her procrastination in a few days, in order to make her realize when her old ideas most easily led her into negative rules and regulations. When she finds herself procrastinating, she should be alert to her procrastination habit to avoid inner conflict and anxiety.