A long list of funny jokes.
Cao Dalong is the boss of a company. One day, a young man came to his office with a bag of things and said that he had something strange to sell to Cao Dalong. He said that the young man opened the package and there was a dummy inside, the size of a real person.
The young man said: This dummy is designed for people to vent their anger. You can hit him when you are in a bad mood, which can greatly relieve the pressure. ?
Cao Dalong's mouth curled:? What's so strange about this? Isn't this the same as the sandbag used for boxing practice?
The young man said: no, this is a high-tech product. Think of the dummy as someone you hate. You are fake. No matter where you are, the person you hate will feel pain, as if you were really beaten. For example, if I imagine the dummy as you, you will feel pain when I hit it. ?
Cao Dalong didn't believe it, the young man said, we can try. I'll take you as one now. ? Say, young people according to the dummy is a punch, Cao Dalong? Ouch? With a cry, the fist really seemed to hit him. He walked around the dummy twice and said to the young man, can I try?
? Of course. ?
Cao Dalong punched the dummy in the stomach and slapped him in the mouth. Then he ran to the next door and saw Liu Yishou, the assistant next door, clutching his stomach and covering his mouth with one hand. Cao Dalong asked: What's the matter with you?
Assistant Liu said:? I don't know, I suddenly felt a stomachache, as if I had hit someone, and my mouth hurt, as if I had been slapped. ? Cao Dalong laughed. Very good, very accurate. ? It turned out that he regarded the dummy as Liu's assistant. He went back to the office and said to the young man, this thing is good. I'll take it. ?
After the transaction, the young man told Cao Dalong: When you hit this dummy, you imagine that the person who was hit will only feel pain, but will not really get hurt, so you can rest assured to hit it. ?
Cao Dalong was overjoyed when the young man left. This time, he can export his evil spirits. He raised his fist and hit him: Boss Ma blackmailed himself for 100,000 yuan, and he has never been seen. Lao Zhang, the tax bureau, fined himself 50 thousand and beat him; Your wife is nagging and annoying all day, and she still needs to fight?
Cao Dalong played all afternoon, hitting people who had a holiday with him. The next day, Cao Dalong felt that his fist was not enough, so he found a wooden root to fight for a day. On the third day, Cao Dalong came up with a more unique trick?
On the afternoon of the fourth day, Cao Dalong suddenly felt pain all over his body, as if someone was beating himself, and the strength was getting heavier and heavier. He thought someone must have bought a dummy, so he called the young man quickly. The young man told Cao Dalong that only one dummy had been sold so far.
Cao Dalong does not believe:? No, it must have been sold. Now I think someone is hitting me. ?
The young man asked: I ask you, how did you hit that dummy?
Cao Dalong told the story briefly, and the young man listened and said: In the future, the dummy's ability to bear pain is limited. If it exceeds the limit, all the pain will bounce back to the attacker intact after three days. The harder you hit it at first, the more painful it is now. The longer you hit it, the longer it hurts. ?
Cao Dalong was very angry. Why didn't you tell me beforehand?
The young man said: Dummies are very resistant to pain and generally do not rebound. You must have done something to them. ?
Cao Dalong burst into tears: I heard that giving birth is the most painful thing in the world, so I gave the dummy a caesarean section with a scalpel.
Funny humorous jokes are long and classic.
Xiao er accidentally won the bonus. He felt the thick money in his pocket, and he was very unhappy at the thought of turning it in when he got home.
Suddenly, Xiao Er had a brainwave. Why not find a hiding place outside and secretly hide the money as private money? But it is not easy to find a good place to hide money in this street. Looking around, Xiao er aimed at the big banyan tree on the roadside.
Just as Xiao Er leaned against the banyan tree and reached into his pocket, a voice came from behind him. Young man, what are you doing?
Xiao er was shocked. When he turned around and saw an old man staring at himself, he couldn't help fighting. What am I doing? I was just about to ask you why! Why are you looking at me?
The old man cocked his head and stared at Xiao Er. He smiled and said, Hum, young man, how dare you pee here in public?
Xiao er took out his hand that had reached into his pocket and said angrily, go, go, go, who peed?
? People have three emergencies, so there is nothing to hide. Cross this block and turn a corner, and there is a toilet. ? Say that finish, the old man pointed to the front, and they were afraid that Xiao Er wouldn't understand. He took Xiao er and said,? Do you see it? It's on that street, very close. ?
Although Xiao Er hates the old man's meddling, when it comes to the toilet, he has an idea: Yes, I can hide the money in the toilet and go home! So Xiao Er became interested in the location of the toilet and asked? Thank you. Is that the right corner?
The old man looked particularly enthusiastic and said, at that intersection, you have to turn. Look at your memory. You know what? I'll take you there! ? Say that finish, you must pull Xiao Er away.
Xiao er ignored the old man and went directly to the toilet.
At the corner of the street, Xiao Er really saw a toilet. Xiao er just wanted to go in, but the aunt who kept the toilet stopped him and asked? Big solution or small solution?
Xiao er was puzzled: I go to the toilet as soon as I go to the bathroom. Do you still mind if I pee?
? A big solution is fifty cents, and a small solution is twenty cents. ? Aunt is obviously extremely impatient with Xiao Er's dawdling.
Xiao er paid twenty cents and went into the men's room.
Aunt Xiao Er went into the toilet and found no one inside, so she was happy. He was about to take money from his pocket when he found someone coming in from behind him. He turned his head and saw only a small figure of the man. Oh, my God, someone is peeking! Xiao er felt glad: fortunately, I haven't taken out the money yet! Otherwise, I will be robbed and still in the dark! Xiao er chased out, saw no one, and turned back. This time, Xiao Er carefully decided to take out the money in the big solution, because there was a two-meter-high wall around the big solution, and he hid the money in it before coming out.
Just as Xiao Er was about to enter the land of great solution, suddenly a man rushed over, hugged Xiao Er tightly and shouted loudly: Boy, didn't you say pee? What do you understand now? From the first time I saw you, I thought you were sneaking around. If I hadn't followed you secretly, I would have been cheated by you! ?
Xiao er looked intently and saw that it was the old man again. He was furious: Why did you come again? I said, why do you always follow me?
? Why? Do you know how hard I work in this job? How dare you lie to me! ? The old man clung to Xiao Er's hand, fearing that Xiao Er would go in to relieve himself as soon as he let him go.
Xiao er was in a hurry. He broke free and shouted, Let go! What does my understanding have to do with my pee and your work?
The old man said angrily. It doesn't matter why. I'm the toilet guide. It costs ten cents to introduce a person to urinate, and twenty cents to introduce a person to urinate. How dare you lie to me now? I'll save some money on this. Do you think it is easy for me?
Funny and humorous Duan Zilong boutique
Mom said my IQ was only 76. I don't know how high my IQ is I only know that I am a very lethal person. Many people have been hurt because of me. Some of them lost hope in life, and some even committed suicide. So I have always suspected that I have a potential superpower, and this superpower has had a particularly strong effect on my teacher for some reason.
I remember the first teacher who died because of me. At that time, I was in the first grade of primary school, and my teacher took us to the wild for a natural practice class. Seeing the spring breeze blowing green and the willows sprouting branches, the teacher couldn't help thinking of a question, so he asked, Students, do you know how to tell the wind direction? I know! ? A little girl in my class answered and threw a leaf into the air from the ground. Pick up a thing and throw it in the air. Watch it float there and you will know. ? That's good. ? The teacher praised it. Then who else would like to show you again and see what is playing now? ? I volunteered, picked up half a brick from the ground and threw it into the air to report to the teacher. Now it's blowing up and down! ? .
I can't remember clearly what the teacher looked like at that time. I only remember that he struggled a few times and then died. Later, according to the hospital doctor, he died because of sudden strong stimulation, which led to retrograde qi and blood. In this way, I killed a people's teacher
The first grade teacher taught us poultry and animals. Teacher:? There is an animal with two feet. Every morning when the sun comes out, it will wake you up and wake you up. What animal is it?
I replied:? Mom! ? Laughing so hard that the teacher almost died!
After I came home from the mid-term exam, my mother asked me how I did in the exam. My baby son said I didn't fill in any questions. My mother asked what it was. My precious son said, there is a question asking me how much I get when I multiply 3 by 7. I don't care. I filled in 1 5. My mother sprayed the water she just drank on my father's face. Hey ... I'm great!
One day in math class, the teacher asked 1+ 1=? , I said I don't know. The teacher asked me to ask. I asked my mother who was cooking to let me out. I asked dad, and dad watched the ball and shouted? Is it cool? . I asked my sister, and she sang until the baby. I asked my brother and he said on the phone; I'll wait for you outside.
The next day, the teacher asked 1+ 1=? I said; Fuck off, the teacher slapped me, I yelled, the teacher called me a loser, and I called me mean. Old saying; Get out. I said; I'll wait for you outside. Our math teacher suffered from hypertension again on the spot and fainted. ....
When primary school has Chinese class, all Chinese teachers in the school go to listen to Teacher Ni's class. Teacher Ni wrote one on the blackboard? Is it? Word, ask me:? Do you know this word? I answered? Don't know him? Teacher Ni began to inspire me: Do you have a bed at home? I answered? what's up ,? What cushions are there on the bed? ,? Where's the mat?
I replied:? My mom? Teacher Ni thought, yes, my mother is a quilt, so I went on to inspire: What about your mother? Where's my father? . Teacher Ni never imagined that I would say this, making a fool of myself in front of so many teachers, and asking in a hurry? Where's the quilt? I replied:? The quilt is on the ground? Teacher Ni? By me? I was so angry that I got lamb disease in the general hospital!
Later, the school changed a teacher and asked us to make sentences. I finished my homework calmly, and the teacher was impressed by me. The sentence I wrote is:
Sad-the ditch in front of our house is very sad.
If canned food is not as nutritious as fruit juice.
Naive-it's really hot today, and it's a good day for swimming.
Ten points-it's a pity that my sister only got ten points in the math exam.
Relax, I always start with simple things.
Ginseng-the teacher said that we should take part in the relay of the brigade tomorrow, so we must do our best.
Quilt-Xiaoyu's sanitary quilt was stolen.
Lunch-Xiaoming takes defecation as the first thing when he gets up every morning.
The teacher touched my head and said sternly, "Go home from school and strive for 10. When I got home, I was ready to finish the homework assigned by the substitute teacher when there was no one there. I went to the toilet and began to paint the walls with feces. I painted the bathroom with ten strips, and I was satisfied with my homework before I stopped. " My family came back to scold me. The next day, my mother told the principal that the substitute teacher misunderstood the child. Later, the substitute teacher was fired. Hey ... I said to myself: I am very creative. Ugliness is not my intention. Don't lose your temper I will live bravely and set off the beauty of the world. ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ?
One morning in class, I chewed gum and put my feet on the aisle. At this time, the teacher said to me: Please spit out your mouth and put your feet in? I am furious! In the days that followed, several teachers suffered misfortune one after another. Fortunately, no one died and there was no big leak. But my fame spread like wildfire and I became a celebrity in the city for a time.
However, celebrities also have the pain of celebrities, and I deeply realized this. When I was in junior high school, the physics teacher asked me in physics class: You say, how to change tracks? Me: According to the Diamond Sutra, if a person does something bad in Yangshiguang, he will become a ghost after death! It turned out that the teacher was talking about how the satellite changed its orbit!
I was awakened by the teacher when I was sleeping in history class. The teacher asked me: Who did Princess Wencheng marry? Little Wang Sheng told me: Songzan gambo. ? I didn't hear clearly, so I opened my mouth and answered: Song Dynasty cadres. ? Later, history failed.
One day, I came back from the barber shop. I was a cool girl. As soon as I opened the door, all the girls exclaimed: Brother Shuang is coming! ? I am embarrassed to scratch my head: where! Where! Just a cool hairstyle. ? It happened that the headmaster passed by and solemnly said, pick up a trouser head and hand it over to the public! ?
Our brains are on the horse! ! Yeah, it's nothing. I walked to the dormitory and went downstairs from the girls' dormitory. I saw a good friend and boasted loudly, Look, I got a cool haircut. On the second floor, a girl immediately put her head out and said, my pants, are you picking my pants? ! ! ! ! !
The next day, the biology teacher brought a bird wrapped in cloth. Then he exposed the bird's legs and asked the students to guess what kind of bird it was. I really don't know, so I handed in a blank sheet of paper. The teacher looked very angry and asked? Why did you hand in a blank sheet of paper? What's your name? As soon as I heard this, I rolled up my trouser legs angrily and said, now it's your turn to guess who I am? The biology teacher fell down at once.
My fame has caused me a lot of trouble. For the safety of teachers, all middle schools in the city refused to accept me. No way, I went to the countryside with infinite yearning for key middle schools. Although the conditions of middle schools in rural areas are a little bitter, I still live very comfortably without the pressure of public opinion. However, gold always shines, and the unique silence of rural middle schools did not restrain my outbreak. By chance, I was born again, suddenly emerged, and quickly occupied the rural market. '
One day, I was late and the teacher asked? Why are you late today? I said: I took my neighbor's uncle's wild boar to breed in the morning, so I came late. The teacher opened his eyes wide and said before he finished listening? Should the uncle next door do this? I don't understand, okay? It must be a wild boar. The uncle next door is not an animal, is he?
It was a quiz, and our class was tied with another class after the final. So the host announced the final decision: each class draws lots to send a representative. Two representatives will guess the coin again.
The right person asks the wrong person a question. If the wrong person answers correctly, the wrong person wins. On the other hand, the category set in which the correct guesser belongs wins. Spirit of heaven, spirit of the earth, my job is to hide. I was drawn as a representative and successfully guessed the wrong coin. Enter the question and answer stage. Teachers and classmates suddenly became nervous, and everyone looked at me with eager eyes. Teacher Li, in particular, looked heavy and said nothing. I also felt some pressure, but not because of this, but because of my opponent, Wang Xiaofo, the best in our school at that time? Master killer? He also saved several lives. It is said that the last principal was destroyed in its hands. However, I still have some confidence, because in any case, I am also a person who has criticized. The problem begins.
Wang Xiaofo put his hands in his trouser pockets and said slowly, My mother cooked some eggs today and put them in my pocket. Do you know how many? ? There was an uproar around. I don't know why everyone is booing, but I know this question has aroused my great interest. Eggs! I hardly heard what he asked, I only heard it clearly. Eggs? Two words. You know, in the hard years in the countryside, there was almost nothing to eat. There are two eggs that are really delicious. I seem to see shiny egg whites and yellow and tender yolk? . ? If I get it right, will you give me a meal? I have long forgotten what quizzes and class honors are. I'm only interested in eggs, eggs! ? If you get it right, I will give you two eggs. ? Coax! ? There is an uproar again. I saw the other classmate's face startled, while the classmates cheered and hugged each other to celebrate the victory.
Miss Li also gave me a happy look. I don't know what they are happy about, but everyone is smiling at me. I smiled shyly at them, and then answered: Is it five?
The students' smiles suddenly stopped, and gradually, the ebb tide generally disappeared without a trace. Another classmate suddenly shouted and laughed. Things in this world change quickly. In a blink of an eye, everyone was crying and laughing and didn't know what to do. I haven't had time to think about what is going on. The meeting was suddenly in chaos. I saw a man lying on his back, spraying blood in his mouth, and then slowly fell down.
? Miss Li! ? Miss Li! ? It's our head teacher! I rushed there, too. I saw the teacher pale, eyes closed and unconscious. ? He killed Miss Li! ?
? It's him! It's him! ? Hey! Hey! Swish swish swish swish swish! ! !
Angry eyes shot at me like sharp arrows. My eyes are blank, and a voice rings in my ear:? Duo Long! Close the door! Let the dog go! Everybody else, back off! ?
Later, it was said that Mr. Li did not die, but was seriously ill. After he was discharged from the hospital, he saw through the world of mortals, cut his hair and became a monk in Wutai Mountain, and never taught again.