Fans A fan is about to divorce his wife. One day, he took his new sweetheart to the stadium to watch a League A game, just as his father-in-law (also a fan) was about to enter the stadium with a ticket. The old man saw them from a distance and kept silent. After the two entered the stadium, the old man angrily said to his old friend who came to watch the ball together: "This boy is too much. Before the start is over, I changed to a substitute! " ! "
The devil and the princess
Demon: You can scream loudly, and no one will come to save you!
Princess: No one?
Nobody: Princess! I'm coming to save you!
Devil: Speak of the devil!
Cao Cao: Devil, what do you want me to do? !
Demon: Wow! I saw a ghost! !
Ghost: Shit! It's been discovered!
Shit: nonsense, who found me!
Who: It's none of my business!
Demon: Oh ~ my God!
God: Who called me? !
Who: Nobody called you!
Nobody: I didn't! !
It is said that the devil has suffered from schizophrenia since then. ....
Drive too deep
The chief physician flew into a rage: "This is the third operating table you have broken this month, Mr. Smith!" " Please don't cut the knife so deep in the future! "
The power of man is infinite.
A patient had a toothache and went to see a doctor. The doctor said, "Your tooth is broken and needs to be pulled out, but it is very strong now.". Wait a few days before pulling it out. "
A few days later, the doctor saw that the patient had lost a tooth and asked curiously, "Who pulled out your tooth?" "Good technique," said the patient. I gritted my teeth and dragged the train for miles. The doctor is very strange: "Then how did your tooth fall out?" "The patient replied," railway workers took a taxi. "
A patient had a toothache and went to see a doctor. The doctor said, "Your tooth is broken and needs to be pulled out, but it is very strong now.". Wait a few days before pulling it out. " A few days later, the doctor saw that the patient had lost a tooth and asked curiously, "Who pulled out your tooth?" "Good technique," said the patient. I gritted my teeth and dragged the train for miles. The doctor is very strange: "Then how did your tooth fall out?" "The patient replied," railway workers took a taxi. "
Four priests Tang went to travel by plane, and the plane crashed on the way, but there were only three parachutes.
So, the Tang Priest said, let's answer the question, and jump if we can't answer it.
3. Professor
"I brought a frog today," the professor of zoology said to the students. "I just came from
Caught it in the pond. In this lesson, we will dissect frogs. "
He took out a paper box and opened it carefully. There is a ham sandwich in the box.
"Strange," the professor was very surprised. "I clearly remember having lunch together.
Lie down and talk.
One night, a boy's dormitory slept until three o'clock in the morning and suddenly wanted to discuss a question: "I met someone."
Pretty girl, what should I say first? A gentleman woke up from a dream and said, "Stop talking and let's go to bed!" " "
cheat
"Polonius was fired for cheating."
"What's the matter?"
"In the physical examination, he counted his ribs and was found."
Teacher Tsinghua.
A young teacher in Tsinghua loves mahjong. Once, he played mahjong all night. Play mahjong at 7:40 the next morning.
There is a class. He got off the mahjong table at 7: 30 and hurried to the fourth teacher's class. It happened that the student on duty that day didn't clean the blackboard.
He shouted, "Who is that farmer?" The students on duty did not dare to answer, so they had to clean themselves, but
Unable to find the eraser, he shouted again, "Where did you put the whiteboard?" .....
This is a Chinese class. When talking about new words, the teacher picked up the chalk and wrote "China" on the blackboard.
Then he said, "Students, please look at the whiteboard. There is a red middle on it. "
taste
The Chinese teacher was very angry when he found Zhang San sleeping in class. He woke Zhang San up and asked: How do you sleep in class?
However, Zhang San refused to admit to sleeping.
Zhang San: I didn't sleep.
Teacher: Then why do you close your eyes?
Zhang San: Teacher, I am reading the text silently.
The teacher didn't believe me and said, then why do you nod straight?
Zhang San: Teacher, you speak very well.
The teacher still didn't believe it and said, then why are you drooling?
Zhang San: Teacher, your class is very interesting.
Every day has a good turn for the better.
The teacher asked two students, "Did you do good things every day today? 」
The two students said in unison, "Yes! 」
The teacher asked, "What did you do? 」
Student: "We helped an old lady cross the street. 」
Teacher: "Well, it's fine, but why do you need two people to help an old lady cross the street?" 」
Student: "Because the old lady doesn't want to cross the road. 」
I see
When the school travels once a year, boys and girls in junior high school always come to play separately because of their different interests. Girls wear it.
Walking around in a bathing suit, showing yourself and enjoying the sunshine. The boy rolled up his trousers and caught it in the water.
Fish.
A teacher who looked after these children sighed, "I don't remember when I was in junior high school, were girls like this?"
Mature. "
"Sure, but you are busy catching small fish!" Another teacher said drily.
In class, a classmate is watching cartoons.
The teacher found out and asked, what are you doing?
"I'm looking for something. 」
"Looking for? 」
"Look, look ..."
The students next door answered and made excuses.
History teacher: Why did you leave early?
Barry: I have an important appointment.
History teacher: Is history more important or girlfriend more important?
Barry: If I'm late again, she'll be history! ! !
History teacher: @ # # $%%
surface tension
Two biochemists were sitting in front of the laboratory drinking coffee, and a beautiful woman walked by.
The old biochemist saw the dementia expression on his colleague's face.
She said, like us, more than 75% is water.
Colleagues still look stupid and say, yes, but look at the surface tension!
Team coach
This is what my professor told us. He used to teach in America. Some players never study, but neither does the university.
I want to graduate, and then I can join the professional basketball team to play nba. After retiring, I often go back to my alma mater as a team coach.
There is a student (let's call him Jordan) who will graduate soon, but calculus can't pass anyway, so he can't graduate and play nb.
Ah! So he asked his coach, who is also the coach of the school team, to intercede for him.
Coach: "Professor, please let Jordan live. The nba has been waiting for him for a long time! 」
Professor: "All right! Since the coaches have come to intercede, I will give you one last chance. "
"How much is one plus one? 」
Jordan immediately replied without thinking, "Two."
Coach: "Professor, please give him another chance! 」
Remember to brush your teeth! !
One day in the biological experiment, I observed my saliva cells, looked at them with a microscope and recorded them. Just when everyone was in high spirits.
I screamed when I carefully observed and studied. Ah ~ it was originally sent by the beauty teaching assistant ... the professor thinks it happened.
What happened, so he ran to look at her microscope. After that, he told her: remember to brush your teeth next time you finish your work.
Rinse your mouth! !
sex education
One day. Xiaoming came home from class sadly.
Mom asked Xiaoming: What's the matter?
Xiao Ming replied: Xiaohua in the class knows where he is from. But I don't even know
Mom thinks it's time to tell Xiaoming about the relationship between men and women and make a correct sex education by the way.
Mother began to tell Xiaoming that boys fell in love with girls. Then get married ... talk about how sperm and eggs meet.
Mother told Xiaoming everything she knew.
When my mother finished the satisfactory teaching.
Xiao Ming is still at a loss. Look at mom. A little tears dripping from the corner of my eye said:
Xiaohua said that he came from Yilan. But after listening to my mother, I still don't know where I come from.
In class, a teacher is introducing Japanese surname habits to students.
She said: "If there is the word" Taro "in the Japanese name, then he must be the eldest son, if there is one in his name.
The word' Jiro', then he must be the second son ... Next, who can give a Japanese such a name? "
A student stood up and answered loudly: Isoroku Yamamoto.
The teacher was giving a lecture when a little boy raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I want to shit."
The teacher told the students, "You can say it in another civilized way."
The student thought for a moment and said, "teacher, my ass wants to vomit."
A student asked the teacher how to write the word dung, but the teacher forgot for a moment and had to say:
"It's on my lips. Why can't I get out?"
My brother is in the fourth grade of primary school. He is so fat that people often make fun of him.
One day, the teacher asked one of their classmates to start writing down "what they do for their family every day" in the contact book.
My brother couldn't figure it out, so my mother had to help him fill it out. She is in the address book.
I wrote: "Help my family eat every day. 」
The teacher's comment is: "I can see that you are working hard!" 」
The way men think.
High flyers Miller, an agronomy major in a university, returned to his hometown in the summer vacation. A neighbor's wife wanted to raise chickens and get rich, so she came to ask him about Miller's research.
All kinds of data such as chicken house and chicken food told her that it is more appropriate to raise about 30 hens and one or two cocks. At the end of the summer vacation, Miller wants to see it.
See how his "idea" works. But he froze in front of the henhouse. There are 30 hens and 30 big cocks in it. "too.
Similarly, it only takes one or two cocks to raise 30 hens. Too many cocks can't lay eggs, but waste food. ""You mean, let one or two?
How many hens does a rooster have? "The neighbor's wife blushed and said yes. ""that's just what you men think, I won't do it! "
begin
At the graduation ceremony, the headmaster announced that the first student in the whole grade came to the stage to receive the prize, but after several consecutive phone calls, that
Only a few students walked slowly onto the stage. Later, the teacher asked the students, "What's the matter? Are you sick? still
Didn't hear you clearly just now? The student replied, "No, I'm afraid other students didn't hear you clearly. 」
What is courage? ...
They taught us what courage is in the mid-term exam of the philosophy department of a university. A student is on the test paper.
Write "this is it" and hand it in ... and get an A. ...
Theory of relativity
One day, Xiao Ming ran into the classroom, stood up again and left the classroom. The teacher turned around.
Seeing Xiaoming's back ... the teacher began to curse. Say … Now people are becoming less and less aware of the benefits of reading …
... the teacher went on to say ... OK ... He didn't attend my class ... I pawned him ... The teacher asked the monitor, what did you learn just now?
What's this student's name ... the monitor said ... he's in the next class ... just in the wrong classroom. ...
Jokes in the dormitory
I have a classmate who never buys toilet paper himself, but always goes to someone else to get it when he uses it. I took one at my house.
I saw it in toilet paper. I said to him angrily, why do you always use my toilet paper? Won't you buy it yourself? He hey
Hey, Yi Le said, Don't be so stingy! Isn't it just a little toilet paper I'll give it back to you when I'm finished!
Tang Priest: Wukong, how many suns are there in the sky?
Wukong: One.
Tang Priest: OK, here you are.
Tang Priest: Friar Sand, how many moons are there in the sky?
Friar Sand: One.
Tang Priest: OK, I'll give you one, too.
Bajie on the side is so happy, such a simple question.
Tang Priest: Bajie, how many stars are there in the sky?
....
Bajie jumped down.
Before long, the four of them flew to travel again. They crashed on the way and there were still only three parachutes.
They went on answering questions.
Tang Priest: Wukong, when was People's Republic of China (PRC) founded?
Wukong: 1949.
Tang Priest: OK. Here you are.
Tang Priest: Friar Sand, how many people died in the Liberation War?
Friar Sand: 2.5 million people.
Tang Priest: OK, I'll give you one, too.
Tang Priest: Bajie, what are the names of those 2.5 million people?
..... Bajie had to jump again.
The third time, the four of them traveled by plane again and had an accident on the way.
Then Pig said, Master, you don't have to ask. I jump by myself.
Then jump.
Tang Priest put his hands together: Amitabha, there are four parachutes this time!