An old customer is drinking in a bar. He always drinks two glasses. Receptionist
Ask him, "Why don't you want a big one?" "I've given up drinking, and I haven't given up a drink."
The old customer said with a smile.
Fengwei snacks
Customer: "Why don't you close the window in such a strong wind?"
Attendant: "Didn't you see the sign?" We are a' flavor snack bar' here! "
Excessive use
Lao Mao usually likes to abuse idioms. One day, he went to congratulate his friend on his marriage. The bride and groom always
Bing raised his glass. Seeing that the bride is extremely handsome, Lao Mao praised: "You are really full of face today.
No. Then he raised his glass and said to the groom, "Come on, let's' mutually assured destruction'.
All right! "
There are many people hanging in the balance.
Child: "Dad, what do you mean by' multi-person gap'?"
Father: "that is to describe the sufferings of the poor in the old society." Many widows can't live any longer, so they have to hold on. "
Suicide. "
Mother: "No!" "Duo" is the public, "Widow" is the widow, which means ordinary.
There is a big difference between a man and a widow. "
Qite chicken
A dancer boasted to a Xialiba: "You are not as good as me. You are a golden rooster. "
Independence can't last longer than me "Chin beauty replied," yes, but.
Any chicken is better than you! "
Chicken butt is here.
Two friends went to a restaurant and made a bet on the way: who can eat the chicken's ass?
Whoever wins will be treated as a loser. When I arrived at the restaurant, I saw that the chicken was about to be served.
A pretended to help pick up the food and put the chicken butt in her mouth. He brought the dishes to the table,
B hurriedly scratched around the plate with chopsticks, looking for the chicken's ass. "Keep the change." nail
He covered his mouth and said, "Here's the chicken butt."
How can you not cry?
An elephant died in the zoo, and the keeper cried beside him! The tourist said,
He must like this elephant very much on weekdays, so he can't bear to die. Someone who knows the inside story
The man said, "No, according to the regulations, he is responsible for digging graves for elephants."
The cat didn't wake up.
Neighbor: "Last night, you drank too much bar again?"
Lao Wang: "How do you know?"
Neighbor: "My cat ate your vomit and hasn't woken up yet!" " "
A long payment period
A man walked into a credit union and paid the last loan for a crib.
"Thank you," said the manager. "How is the child now?" "Ah," this man
The answer is: "I'm fine."
Make full use of everything
In a factory, my friend is methodically directing the production of sparse hair.
Try to cover your head. "You turned it into a science," I said.
I exclaimed, "Every hair is arranged." "Yes," my friend said with a wry smile.
In the past, they only had a total number, but now they have their own names. !
The story of the pig
A little boy went to the country to spend his holiday with his relatives. His relatives live in a place.
On this farm, the children had a good time and saw many things that they had never seen before in the park. When he
After returning home, he told his mother everything. He said he was impressed.
It's a sow with a piglet. "What do sows do?" "Hey, the pig is chasing.
It, "said the child," they turned it over and began to tear the buttons on its belly. "
Guo Ru
A: If you have 654.38 million, can you give me 1 10,000?
B: No problem!
If you have two cars, can you give me one?
B: Of course!
Well, if you have three shirts, can you lend me one?
That won't do!
A: Why?
B: I happen to have three shirts.
Is that me?
"I heard that you fell asleep under the table at the last meeting." "So did I, didn't you?
Someone got under the table and took a nap, but I don't know if it was me. "
stop a thief
"Dad, someone stole our car."
"Do you know that man?"
"I didn't pay attention, but I remembered the car number!"
Make a hope
The young man asked an old man, "You are getting old. Did you realize all your wishes when you were young? "
Old man: "when I was young, my father always pulled my hair when he scolded me." I thought at that time, yes. "
I wish I had no hair. ""Today, this wish has come true. "
Everyone wants to change money.
A poor man was awakened by an intruder in his dream. The robber pointed a gun at him and said
-Don't move! I'm just looking for a change. If you move, you will be killed at once! "The poor man with a wry smile.
He said, "I stopped moving, so I remembered to ask you for money."
self-consolation
The wind is very strong, and a smoker is walking on the road. He took out a match and lit a cigarette, which ignited the fire in the wind.
He said: "You can't light a cigarette for three days, and you won't light a cigarette after three days." "Three matches, smoke or.
He didn't light it, so he said loudly, "You light a cigarette, and you won't light it after seven o'clock!" ! "And drew four.
After lighting a match, the cigarette is still unlit. He comforted himself softly: "Whatever, what?"
When you light something, you smoke it. "
Semi-crazy
A: "Old man, why did you pour other people's wheat into your own sack?"
B: "Because I am a half-crazy person!"
Answer: "since you are a half-crazy person, why don't you pour your own wheat into someone else's sack?"
B: "Then I'm completely crazy!"
Boys and girls
The children's goods store gives each customer's child a balloon. A boy wanted two, and the clerk said, "I'm very sorry, but we only give one to everyone."
Son, a balloon. Do you have a younger brother at home? The boy said with great regret, "no, I don't have a younger brother, but I think my sister has a younger brother."
Give him one. "
Find a medical student
A man went somewhere and got sick. He asked the local people to find out which doctor has a high skill. "We have a rule here that when a doctor sees a patient die,
Just put a balloon in his clinic. "The man began to look for. One doctor put 20 balloons in his clinic, and the other put 30 balloons.
Finally, he found a clinic with only 10 balloons. He walked in. The doctor said, "Get in line at the back. I just opened a clinic today. I am really busy. "
I know the way.
I want to know what you like to do. Now it's time for you to choose. I want to sit in the car all day with my pockets full of money. I know
Well, you want to be a bus conductor.
mismatch
A: Sorry, my chicken coop was not wound properly, and I ran out and ruined your food.
B: That's all right. My dog has eaten your chicken.
A: Oh! No wonder I found chicken bones in the dog's stomach.
B: ...?
Let the world full of love
Neighbor: Uncle Wang, why are you moving coal to the third floor alone? What about your son and daughter-in-law?
Uncle Wang: "Watch the tape recorder!"
Neighbor: "What are you studying?"
Uncle Wang: "Let the world be full of love."
Can't read.
A group of young people are having a drinking party in a hotel room. The hotel receptionist came up to them and said, "Don't shout like that."
Call! The gentleman next door said he couldn't read. "You tell him," said a teenager, "that he should be ashamed. I can do it at the age of five.
Read a book. "
our/ours
When Yaner got married, the bride said to the groom, "Let's stop saying' mine' and say' ours'." The groom went to take a bath and stayed there for a long time. bride
Q: "What are you doing?" The groom replied, "honey, I'm shaving our beard."
lie
Father: "You are such a loser. When I was your age, I never told such a big lie. " "
Son: "When did you start telling such a big lie?" "
Fare knowledge
Invite a friend who has never seen a movie to see a movie. When the film was shown, there was a scene in which the heroine was lying in the bathtub.
bathe He saw the camera suddenly stand up, then sat down again and said to himself, "No wonder the ticket price upstairs is higher than that downstairs."
Expensive. "
interact as both cause and effect
"Why is your hair getting less and less every day?" "Because I have something on my mind every day." "What do you worry about every day?" "I'm worried.
My hair is getting less and less every day! "
There's no need to worry.
Ms. A: "I don't know where my husband went last night." Ms. B: "Who cares? If you don't know where your husband went at night.
Well, you don't have to worry, because once you know, you will be more anxious. "
I promise you.
My daughter is two years old. There are often unsatisfactory things, but she can't express them, so she shouts loudly. I told her it was not good. I told her what was wrong.
Just ask, and I'll say yes. She replied, "Mom, I want to shout."
certificate
Manager: "You are only thirty-two years old this year. How can you have thirty-eight years of experience? " Job seeker: "Not surprisingly, I was overworked at that time.
Why! "
Body patch
Wife: I mended the hole in your trousers pocket after you went to bed last night. Tell me, am I a very considerate person? Husband: That's when.
However! You have always been very considerate to me. But can you tell me how you found a hole in my pants pocket?
Anyway, you use it
A man went to a doctor and said, "Doctor, how much Chinese medicine do I take from you every day?" The doctor said, "Never mind,
Anyway, you use it alone. "
Pigs and cats
The husband drank too much again and came back late. When he entered the house, he felt uncomfortable at the sight of his wife's stern eyes and walked gently to the sofa.
Next to it, bow your head Doby kitten. The wife said, "Hey, what's the point of you being with that stupid pig?" The husband immediately smiled and replied, "honey, this is."
It's a cat! Without looking at him, the wife said, "I'm asking the cat, who talked to you?"
There is nothing in my stomach.
Wife: Why do you always fail the exam? Is it as difficult as having a baby?
Husband: That's different. At least you have goods in your stomach, and I have nothing in my stomach!
1 and 1
One day when I went to the countryside, I met a child (three and a half years old) of the hospital director. I asked him, "rotten melon, did you work in the middle class this year?" He said, "How's it going?
Column "Hello? Choose! ? After a while, he came to me mysteriously. " Uncle, I tell you, that'1'was established last semester.
This semester is very strange, the teacher taught us' one' and it fell asleep again! "
"Whose egg is broken?"
Some leaders go to a place for a meeting. The local people's habit is that everyone eats steamed bread, porridge and an egg. A leader peeled a chicken this morning.
The egg was bad, so I said to the waitress, "Give me another one. This egg is bad. " After a while, the young lady came back, but I forgot where she was.
When someone died, he shouted, "Whose egg is broken?" The leaders were silent. The young lady shouted again, "Whose egg is broken?" , also
Nobody said yes. At this moment, the director of the restaurant came over and said to the waiter, "You little girls are really rude. You should ask,' Which leader's egg is broken?
Suddenly, the restaurant director felt that something was wrong and quickly changed his mouth and shouted, "Which leader is the bad guy?" .
Invite to dinner
A patient will have a minor operation the next day. He asked a beautiful female nurse: She will recover next Saturday. Can you invite her to dinner?
Rice. The nurse smiled sweetly and replied, I don't know, sir. You'd better ask my fiance, who will operate on you tomorrow.
Doctor.
Talk to fish
A visits B's home. B bought a fish to entertain. A looked at it carefully for a while and put the fish on his nose.
Let's smell it. B is a little unhappy.
B: "Do you think the fish has gone bad?"
A: "Sorry, I just chatted with the fish for a while."
B: "talk to the fish?"
A: "OK, I'll ask it what's the news on the sea?"
B: "How did it answer you?"
A: "It said,' Sorry, I haven't been in the sea for more than a month!'" " "
A long-awaited holiday
In order to prepare for the Olympic Games, I do a lot of physical training under the guidance of my coach every day.
practice After a boring month in the plateau training center, I finally look forward to my holiday.
I want to take this opportunity to go home and have a good rest for a few days. As soon as I entered the door, I heard my sister say, "Celebrate your return.
At home, we decided to go hiking and camping as a family. "
Not on purpose.
Are you in Beijing on business?
B: I'm here to attend the Shakespeare Festival.
So Lao Sha is here?
B, who is drinking water, smiles and sprays water on A.
Why are you so rude!
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.
You didn't mean it. Am I serious?
Wonderful love letter
One person wrote, "honey, I don't think we met not long ago, but now we are familiar with each other."
Turn a blind eye .. The other replied, "honey, it's very kind of you. I don't just know you."
Turn a blind eye and frown coldly! "
age
Silly girl: How old do you think I am? Neighbor: 44 years old. Silly girl: How did you work it out? neighbour
I have a 22-year-old brother, half as stupid as you!
Secret of success
An actor came back from a tour and said to his friend, "I have achieved great success." I am showing off. "
When performing in Tian Square, the audience's applause lasted for a long time. "You are lucky," said his friend.
Next week's performance will be more difficult. ""why? " The actor asked the weather forecast.
It will cool down next week, so there will be fewer mosquitoes. "The man replied.
Scissors are pure
The wife complained while cutting clothes for her daughter: "The scissors I newly sharpened yesterday are actually pure today."
It is difficult to cut cloth. ""no! It was still very fast when I used it to cut iron sheets this morning! The husband said.
It's not necessary.
Xueyou: "Mom, the mouse jumped into the bucket!" " "Mom:" Take it out quickly. "
Xueyou: "No, I threw the cat into the bucket, too."
Open a knife
A young man accidentally swallowed a ping-pong ball and hurried to the hospital. He only asked to enter.
Perform local anesthesia, so that you can clearly see the whole process of the operation. When he saw the doctor during the operation, the situation was the same as that of the doctor.
Open a knife, open a knife there, at sixes and sevens. "Why do you cut so many knives in different places?
"He asked the doctor anxiously." Because table tennis is always jumping around in your stomach. "
The doctor replied.
Week after week.
Lao Wang was resting under a tree, and Lao Li came up to him and said, "Hey, why don't you go up the mountain to cut wood?"
Lao Wang said, "What for?"
Lao Li said, "It's easy to sell money. Selling donkeys can buy donkeys and then sell firewood from door to door. Make money and then
Buy trucks, then buy timber mills to sell timber, and then buy more trucks, so you can make a fortune. "
Lao Wang asked, "Why did you get rich?"
Lao Li replied: "If you make a fortune, you can enjoy happiness with peace of mind."
write
When asked about his study at school, his son replied, "Not bad. I learned to write today. "
Work. ""very good! " Father said, "What did you write?" "I don't know,"
The son replied, "Because I haven't learned to read?"
Keep your voice down
On the way, the child pointed to the person in front and said to his mother, "Mom, look, that person is on his head."
Not a hair! ""Keep your voice down so that others can hear you. "Mom said," what?
Doesn't he know? "
mismatch
A foreigner eats hot pot alone in a Chinese restaurant. His husband ate all the dishes and then drank the fire.
The soup in the pot was eaten with relish, and finally he said to the waiter, "This dish is good, which is different from our western food."
The food is very similar. "
Love circle
A young man and a young woman are sitting on the beach. The young man drew a circle on the ground and said
My love for you, like this circle, is endless. young woman
Nian also drew a circle on the ground with his finger, and then said, "My love for you will never be."
There is a starting point. "
New Year card
The Spring Festival is coming, and Xiao Wang wants to choose a new year card for his fiancee. "This is better than.
How appropriate and beautiful! It says: Best wishes to my only lover.
Good wishes! "The beautiful salesgirl gave him advice." Great! You pay
I have ten tickets. ......
Do composition exercises
A: "I have good news for you. After a period of hard work, one of my exercises is over. "
I was adopted by an evening newspaper. "
B: "Oh! Congratulations! Congratulations! Can you tell me what article it is? "
A: "A lost statement."
Mother and daughter
The mother was very angry with her daughter. "This is the modern young people!" Everything will be fine.
The friend said. "I made a boyfriend when I was 0/6 years old, but I forgot my mother's 32nd birthday!"
rise
On the weekend, a trapped investor came to the beach to relax in the soft
Fell asleep on the beach. Suddenly, a voice woke him up. "Get up! Rising sea water
Get up. ""oh, it's gone up. "He is full of energy." Throw it out! "
be similar
A: "Who is that ugly guy sitting in the front row?"
B: "That's my brother."
A: "Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't expect you to be so alike."
collimating error
A: "hello, miss, the appetite here has decreased a lot recently."
B: "It may be parallax, sir. Because the area of the hall has expanded. "
It's too late
Once a friend invited me to dinner and made an appointment to meet at the hotel at six o'clock in the evening. Get off work in the afternoon
At that time, my BP machine suddenly rang, and my friend told me, "Don't go, it's too late!" " " .
I'm surprised it's not too late. It's only five o'clock. But my friend must have told me not to go.
There's a reason. I have to go home. When I got home, my friend called me:
"Why haven't you come yet?" "Didn't you call me and tell me not to go? Is it too late? "
I feel very angry. "I call don't go too late! It must be the paging lady again
There is a mistake. "
unit
If you have one yuan and ask your father for two yuan, how much money do you have?
Is it? One yuan. You really know nothing about arithmetic. You know nothing about my father.