Support and accept
Introduction to this section
Support and acceptance are important to each of us. It will give us strength and courage to face difficulties. In this lesson, we will feel the warm support and acceptance among the characters in the book, and understand the different forms of support and the important role of acceptance in psychological counseling, which will help us better feel the warmth given by others and provide our own support and acceptance for others.
You will hear
Thinking homework
Who have you received support and acceptance in your life? What difficulties did these support and acceptance help you overcome? What support have you provided to others? Have you really accepted someone?
1
Hello, I'm Wu Limin. Last class, we discussed the topic "imprisonment and freedom" with you. We analyze the imprisonment of the characters in the book and their desire for freedom. At the same time, I hope you can extend your thinking to real life through interpretation, and see what kind of imprisonment you have suffered and what kind of freedom you are eager to get. So today we will share the last topic about this book-support and acceptance.
Why did I choose such a topic to share with you? Because no matter how old a person is, he needs a "safe base" to put his grievances, panic and frustration. The so-called security foundation here mainly refers to those people or relationships who will provide you with unconditional support and acceptance. In fact, unconditional support and acceptance is not an earth-shattering act. It may be just a little encouragement, a simple greeting and a silent concern, but it can make you feel the temperature of the world inadvertently. I have seen such a sentence: "What is warmth? Warmth is the handkerchief I handed when I cried; Hungry is also a bowl of hot noodles. "
Therefore, I hope that through the discussion of such a topic, we can better find that people around us have been silently supporting and accepting ourselves, let us feel the warmth they have given us more deeply, and at the same time let us provide our support and acceptance to others more consciously in our lives.
Then through the sharing of the previous lessons, I learned about the competition, jealousy, loneliness and imprisonment among the characters in the book. What we see seems to be the bad side of human nature, but in fact, if we read through the book, you will feel that the warm support is actually more pervasive among the characters.
First, let's look at the relationship between buhrer and Freud. Freud, the psychoanalyst at that time, was still very young, but he and buhrer had established a very deep friendship. As a famous doctor in Vienna, buhrer gave Freud a lot of encouragement and guidance in medicine, and he was also willing to share his typical cases with Freud.
Whenever Bourget was in trouble, Freud would give Bourget a lot of support and advice, and they would discuss Nietzsche's illness and Bertha together. Freud also helped Breul interpret dreams, even hypnotized buhrer, helped him break the illusion of pursuing freedom, found his deep love for his wife, and helped him really return to his family. Think about how much buhrer trusted Freud to let him do these things. Freud didn't let buhrer down, and he did give him support and help in the process.
Of course, this kind of support from friends or confidants is also mentioned in the book, such as Salome and Nietzsche. We know that Salome first asked Bougel for help because she was worried about her good friend Nietzsche. First, she spent a lot of time persuading Bougel to agree to treat Nietzsche, and then she tried to make Nietzsche willing to seek treatment from Bougel. Although the relationship between Salome and Nietzsche may be somewhat complicated, this concern for friends and the silent support behind them have to be said that it is quite touching.
After talking about the support from friends, let's look at the support from relatives. As the Fuehrer's wife, Mathilde not only gave birth to five children for Fuehrer, but also kept the family in good order and created a warm and comfortable home for Fuehrer. Several times in the book, Mathilde described in detail the scene of preparing meals for Breul: the morning time at Breul's house was the same, the baker in the corner delivered freshly baked rolls at six o'clock, Mathilde set the table, made cinnamon coffee, put crispy triangular rolls and sweet cream, and black cherries stained with honey.
After reading these, I wonder if you feel the warmth of home? In my opinion, a hearty breakfast is actually full of Mathilde's deep feelings for Bougel. So in the end, Bougel found that his favorite woman was his wife, and he could never find another woman like her. So when he woke up, he couldn't help looking at his wife and saying, "I decided to marry you." Mathilde thinks her husband is drunk and talking nonsense. But only Bougel knows that this is a true confession from the heart. She really wants to get married, not because of the interest exchange 14 years ago. I think Mathilde finally entered Bougel's heart, which has a lot to do with her gentle warmth and support in daily life.
2
In life, the support we get may come from different objects, for example, as I said just now, from friends, from lovers and so on. However, in addition, interpersonal support is actually divided into many different forms. I have roughly summarized three kinds here: one is practical support, the other is emotional support, and the other is what I call deep support.
1) realistic support
The so-called realistic support usually refers to material satisfaction. For example, when you are dying of thirst, someone hands you water, and when you are freezing to death, someone brings you cotton-padded clothes. Of course, this kind of support often happens between close friends. I give two examples of stars, because everyone is familiar with them.
Many people know that Zheng Shuang and Ray Ma are very good friends, so once in an interview, Zheng Shuang said something that moved her very much. She bought a house in Shanghai before, but she was still short of money. Ray Ma transferred the money to her without saying anything. After the transfer, she responded humorously and realistically, saying that it made my house look like there was a mine, but in fact, she had emptied the house.
Also, many years ago, when Tu Honggang was very young, he was chasing a girl and wanted to buy a car, but the money was not enough, so his good friend Na Ying lent him all the 30,000 he had saved.
Then these are the support of reality, which can help people tide over the difficulties of reality and solve urgent needs. This kind of support is diverse and complicated, some may come from relatives and friends, some from society, and some even from strangers. But under the support of this reality, there is a warm emotional transmission between people.
2) Emotional support
Then the second common support is emotional support. It is particularly important to see each other's emotions, or to say that their emotions can be understood by each other. In fact, people have been pursuing being seen all their lives. When they feel seen, the meaning of our existence is activated.
However, in life, when we suffer some setbacks and feel sad, people around us usually inspire us like this: "You can do it, you are strong, everything will pass" and so on. You know that the other party means well and wants to help us out as soon as possible, but in fact, whenever we hear such words, we are actually disappointed or without waves. Why? It is because our emotions are not really seen that the other party does not provide effective emotional support.
In addition, effective emotional support should also contain each other's emotions. Psychologist Bion put forward the concept of "container". He thinks that if we can treat another person's emotion as a bigger container, we can catch TA's tears, sadness, weakness and even attack. When we can feel the feelings of TA and bear the anxiety caused by TA's emotions, instead of pulling away or fighting back, it is a rare emotional support for TA.
Also, emotional support also includes mutual discussion and encouragement. Of course, this discussion is based on understanding and tolerance, not shouting slogans. If two people can honestly express their troubles and feelings, and do not blame or control in this process, they just discover and understand each other's psychological needs more, see if they can meet the needs of TA, or ask each other what kind of help they may need, and so on. These are all very important parts of emotional support.
Effective emotional support can help a person through the fragile stage, because when a person's emotions are seen, understood and supported, they have the power to recover and have more courage to face the world.
3) Deep support
The third kind of support is deep support. What is deep support? This is actually a feeling that is difficult to describe in words. For example, in the book, like Nietzsche and Burla, they gave each other deep support. Their thinking can be the same frequency, and they may collide and impact each other at a certain point, but they will not bring destructive effects, and more are mutual inspiration and growth.
Ordinary support may sometimes give people some high and low points. For example, if you have needs and you need to be supported, then you may be in the position of demander and supporter is in the position of helper. In our sense, there will be a feeling that helpers are always a little high. Deep support is more equal and we can see each other more deeply. Language can hit each other's blind spots directly, but the relationship will not break down. The so-called meeting in the depths of the soul is like this.
Eight years ago, Song Dandan forwarded a passage on Weibo. What this passage says is that if one day, parents who have been married for 60 years say that they want a divorce, their daughter in the United States declares that she is gay, and her husband tells me that he has AIDS, and his son takes back the illegitimate child. On that day, I will still hold their hands, hug their shoulders and tell them that I am still here, because I really love you, so you are really free, and life is short, and your life is up to you.
After this passage was sent out, many netizens left messages saying, is it acceptable for my husband to get AIDS? This is ridiculous. But in my opinion, this passage is more about expressing an accepting attitude through the superficial meaning of language.
three
Rogers, a humanistic psychologist, said, "If a person is accepted, completely accepted, and there is no judgment in this acceptance, only with affection and understanding can this person face himself directly and show the courage to remove his defensive heart and face his true self." Therefore, acceptance is a very important point in interpersonal communication, and it is also the basis of whether the relationship can maintain harmony. So what exactly is acceptance?
In fact, in the final analysis, the core of acceptance is what we often say: unconditional love. "Unconditional love" means: I love you unconditionally, not because you are smart, beautiful, lovely and obedient, but because you are you, and there is no other reason. This sentence is easy to say, but in fact few people can really do it. Not only can't, the most common phenomenon in interpersonal relationships is to control and exploit each other in the name of love. Therefore, if a person can be unconditionally loved, it is definitely one of the happiest things in life.
What I want to say here is that in the process of psychological counseling, it is particularly important for psychological counselors to accept visitors, because only when counselors really accept visitors will their emotions be placed in the counseling space. Therefore, once the consultant enters the consulting state, he needs to put down his "three views" hat, his past life experience and face the visitors with a completely clear and inclusive attitude. You can disagree, but accept it. This is the professional requirement and ethics of a consultant.
At the same time, accepting a consultant is not a passive choice, but an active choice. In a relationship, when you can accept visitors, it means that we have put down our guard and prejudice, and this goodwill is keenly perceived by the other party.
This is also strongly reflected in the book. If you read this book carefully, you will find that this wonderful psychotherapy novel is actually interspersed with many psychological counseling scenes, and it can even be said that it is a gluttonous meal about psychological counseling, from the initial interview between two people, to the establishment of goals, the establishment of alliances, and then to the attempts of various therapies in the middle. Among them, how to achieve complete acceptance is a content worthy of our deep digging.
At the end of this book, the dialogue between Burla and Nietzsche makes us feel the power of acceptance. When Nietzsche, who never cried, left tears, Bougel gently cheered him up and asked Nietzsche, What would your tears say if they had a voice? Nietzsche said that they would say, I am free at last. I have never shed a tear, and I have been trapped in a stagnant pool for forty years. How I want to escape! But there is no way out, unless you, a Vienna doctor, open that rotten door.
Nietzsche can open the closed door and release his pent-up feelings, which is inseparable from Bougel's complete acceptance of him. Only when he feels understood and accepted can he gradually let down his guard, plant the seeds of trust and open the floodgate of emotion.
When both of them cured their inner despair, Bougel sincerely invited Nietzsche to stay, but Nietzsche refused. He said that my destiny is to pursue the truth on the lonely and distant side. But don't underestimate the value of our friendship. You gave me a choice. Although I will always be lonely, it is a wonderful difference from my previous loneliness. I will choose my destiny and love it. So, the two opened their arms to each other respectively. Whenever I see this place, I can't help being deeply moved. I wonder how you feel.
Later, buhrer returned to his office, and his assistants and patients were waiting for him. Since then, he has continued to practice medicine happily for more than 30 years. At the same time, Nietzsche went south to Italy alone and went to a meeting point to meet a Persian prophet named Zarathustra. It gave birth to the book Zarathustra, which we are seeing now. I wonder if you have a heavy feeling about such a scene and such a picture? Although their direction and destiny are different, they accept each other, bless each other, stay meaningful and stay in their hearts forever.
Finally, I want to end our whole book by borrowing a line from the movie "Don't ask questions": When people put themselves in a busy situation, they will feel numb and practical, but they will lose their truth. What is truth? That is, what you see, what you hear, what you do, and who you are with will have a kind of peace and joy that overflows from the depths of your heart, without regret or shame.
Dear friend, I don't know if you are running around all day, busy, and life has become a conveyor belt, pulling you to run mechanically. If so, I invite you to stop reading a book, comfort your soul, feel the truth of life and think about the true meaning of life!
Well, we won't read this book when Nietzsche cries. Thank you for your company and listening! See you in the next book!